(scene opens in early morning parlor)
Beta: Have you heard of the Baldur’s Gate game? Its ridiculous.
Me: (yawning) I hear its one big flirt fest.
Beta: Oh yeah. Like everyone, literally everyone, is trying to get in you pants. Randomly. For no reason! After talking to them like once!
Me: Now you know what its like to be a woman.
Beta: (blinks) …..wow mom.
Me: *sips her coffee*
(scene opens in early morning dinning room)
Me: (bleary, drinking coffee, scrolling Tumblr)
Delta: (bright eyed runs over, reads over shoulder)
Laptop:
Delta: (reading out loud) The nowe…
Me: Novel. It’s a type of book.
Delta: (reads it out loud correctly) What makes him think he’s going to live another three years?
Me: (side eye) That was a little dark.
Delta: (grins kisses Carrot, runs off)
(image stolen from Write-On-World)
(Scene opens in parlor. Carrot is reading a restaurant menu advertisement, Husband and Beta are listening)
Me: Hmm. The “Pistoleer”. Italian beef, au jus, and toasted roll. Wait. How is that different from the “Big Daddy”? Oh, the “Big Daddy” has mozzarella and provolone. That’s what makes it a “Big Daddy” apparently, the cheese.
(Carrot and Husband lock eyes over the menu)
Both: Cheesy Skillet.
Beta: What the F was that?
Me: (carelessly, eyes on menu) Beta, one day you’re going to fall in love and you’ll know it’s the real thing when the two of you end up developing your own secret language. Its why I can never leave your father. No one else speaks my language.
Husband: Or you’ll just have to spend another twenty years learning a new one. (pause) Christine Aguleria.
Me: (begins to laugh)
Husband: (nods and leaves the room)
Beta: (outraged) WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED!?
(scene opens in cluttered dinning room, Carrot behind laptop at table)
(Beta enters from kitchen)
Me: (looks up, sees papers in Beta’s hand) Oh, did dad print out the Belegarth waiver for you?
Beta: (pouts) Yeah. He pre-filed a bunch of them so they’re on hand to sign. Look what he did!
Me: (takes papers shoved at her, eyebrows raise) Your fighter name is “Skippypants McDidn’tPickaName”?
Beta: Can you believe him?!
Me: I can. This is what happens when you don’t pick your own name. A name will be given.
(Husband enters from kitchen)
Me: Skippypants McDidn’tPickaName?
Husband: (looking pleased) Yup.
Me: Should have gone with Potato McTater.
Beta: (exasperated) Mom! You’re not helping!
Me: I cannot help. I can only enable.
(scene opens in min-van)
Gamma: Mom? What’s your favorite character in the Shadow and Bone books?
Me: Genya.
Gamma: (slightly disappointed) Oh.
Me: If you could be any Grisha, what type would you want to be?
Gamma: (without hesitation) Heartrender.
Me: (not surprised in the least) Good choice.
Gamma: What would you be?
Me: Tailor.
Gamma: (more disappointed) Oh.
Me: Maybe Inferni. It’s hard to choose.
Carrot’s Inside voice: Don’t lie, you’d be a Durast.
(scene opens in cluttered basement, conversation in progress)
Me: (handing Alpha a towel) Here, use this to clean up that spill.
Husband: (around corner) I see that you’ve fully embraced the RBG Controller lifestyle.
Me: What?
(Husband points to top of cabinet, switch controller charge station holding controllers with morphing rainbow lights along the side)
Alpha: Yeah, my ’tism is in full swing.
Me: You don’t have the ‘Tism, knock it off. But I love those! (said gleefully) Those are pretty!
Husband: (kisses Carrot’s forehead) Of course you do.
Alpha: I mean, sometimes when you’re obliterating heretic scum in the name of the Emperor, you want to feel like a pretty pretty princess.
Me: Right? Totes agree.
Alpha: (deep gravely voice) Brother….. (deep indrawn breath) ….where’s my tiara?
Husband: (sighing) I’m going back to work.
(scene opens in tent in dead of night, distant-but-not-distant enough howling starts up)
Leader 1: That’s legit, right? That’s the real thing we’re hearing?
Me: (thoughtfully) As opposed to the dudebros we heard earlier? Yeah, I think so.
(Yipping and howling continues for a moment before going silent)
Leader 2: I think we’ll be okay. It sounds down in the valley and we’re higher up.
(Silence continues a bit longer. Then screaming carnage breaks out in a completely different spot from the first howling.)
Me: What the f– was that?
Leader 2: I think they caught something.
Leader 1: Are we concerned with our survival?
Me: (considers) Not yet.
Leader 1: Not yet?!
Me: (philosophically) Well, if they caught something, they’re not coming up here looking for something to eat.
Leader 2: And they’re further down in the valley now.
Leader 1: What time is it?
Me: (checks watch) Midnight. We have five-ish hours to sunrise.
Leader 1: This is going to be a long five hours.
Me: There’s a fun-patch for this, right?
(three leaders suppress hysterical late-night stress giggles, fade to black)
(scene opens in primitive campsite, girls everywhere, Carrot sitting next to fire scar)
(Single long whistle blast sounds in distance)
Me: (perks up like deer scenting wolves) Did anyone else hear that?
Girl 1: Sounded like a whistle.
Girl 2: Is that the emergency whistle?
Girl 3: No, that’s three blasts.
Me: Girls. Boot on. Get water bottles. Where’s my tactical vest? (picks up bush vest rattling with gear, puts it on)
Gamma: Mom, why do you call it a tactical vest?
Me: You’ve seen soldiers and cops with those big bulky vests? Had a vest on with all that gear? Its a gear vest. All the gear for any situation. (Takes emergency whistle out of a pocket, puts it on)
Girl 2: But your vest has Deadpool on it.
Girl 5: Why do you have Deadpool on your vest?
Me: Because I think Deadpool is funny. And I like Chimichangas. We ride.
(Carrot marches out of camp followed by five girls armed with water bottles)
(scene opens in early morning tent, three scout leaders contemplating life)
Me: (scratches stomach. Stops. Swears) Goddamnit. Where’s the first aid kit?
Leader 1: In my pack. Why?
Me: Tick.
Leader 1: Already? We’ve not even been here a whole day.
Me: (sighs) Yeah.
(flailing around tent, first aid kid found, tick removed)
Me: Goddamnit.
Leader 2: Now what?
Me: Lone Star Tick.
Leader 1: So?
Me: That’s the one that makes you allergic to red meat. Because F Texas in particular.
Leader 1: What?!
Leader 2: Man, Carrot. Having a rough week there. First rabies shots, then Shingles, and now maybe becoming allergic to red meat.
Me: (resignedly) If I get out of here never able to eat another steak, I might have to quit Girl Scouts. Just saying.
Husbandly Text: Did you guys get there okay?
My Text: Yeah. Girls setting up tents now.
My Text: By the way.
My Text: One match. You tell Scoutmaster “Do you need Girl Scout Water for that fire?” to suck it.
Husbandly text: Nice. Beta says “You used a match?”
My Text: Ms. C texted me earlier to say she’s looking for Teen Boy Lawn Care. Tell Mr. Sassomancer that his free time this weekend is now spoken for.
(scene opens in parlor, Carrot opening her suitcase)
Alpha: Glad you’re back home, mom. Did you get my Mother’s Day card.
Me: I did, sweetie, that was very nice.
Beta: Did you bring us anything?
Me: I did!
(pulls bag out of suitcase and hands it over)
(long silence)
Alpha: Are you serious?
Beta: What fresh hell?
Gamma: Mom? I don’t think that’s appropriate.
Delta: I want some!
Me: That’s my boy.
Husband: What are you, twelve?
Me: It made me laugh.
(scene opens in mini van)
Me: Everyone get your belts on. OH! That reminds me, I found a new playlist for the car.
(picks up phone, begins to fiddle)
Beta: (skeptically) Is it kid friendly?
Me: (smug) Yep.
Beta: A kid friendly list that you like? This can’t be good.
(Carrot begins to drive and a cover of Danzig’s “Mother” begins to play)
Beta: (stunned) What the hell is this? Alpha? Are you seeing this? It’s a playlist in Klingon. We’re listening to Klingon pop music!
Alpha: (unconcerned) You think this is the weirdest thing she’s ever done?
Me: (giggling madly)
Beta: (appalled) You know, just because it’s in Klingon doesn’t mean that it’s kid appropriate.
Me: They’re covers of 80s music. Its unlikely there’s any swears in there.
Beta: Klingons don’t swear?
Me: Oh, I’m sure they do. But I don’t know if there’s a Klingon version of “F you, you F’ing F”. I think they’d just insult your honor or say something like “Your starship is a garbage scow.”
Delta: (righteously) That is very rude.
Me: Yes, that is very rude.
(music cues up cover of “We’re Not Going to Take it“)
Beta: (wearily) Turn this off please.
(Carrot laughs maniacally, fade to black, cut to car commercial)
