One man’s treasures are another man’s treasures

(scene opens in a messy, yet finished, attic)
Beta: Wow mom, why didn’t you tell me you had all this stuff up here?
Me: Because I didn’t want you to play with it. Here. (hands over box full of crystal and pewter figurines and a leather sack full of D&D dice) You can have these if you want
Beta: We should clean the attic more often. You have the coolest stuff.
Me: I kept telling people that.

Culinary delights

(scene opens with Carrot behind the wheel, post-graduation slurpees in everyone’s hand)
Husband: Try this one. Airhead Extreme Cherry.
Me: (Sips. Salivary glands implode.) Harsh.
Husband: I think the Sour Patch slurpee was better.
Me: That had a stronger punch, smoother finish. I like that we can use wine terms to rate slurpee flavors.
Husband: This is not a slurpee for drinking…
Me: This is a slurpee for laying down and avoiding.

Good advice

(scene opens in messy boys’ bedroom)
Me: Ohmigod guys, you’ve been up here 20 minutes, how long does it take to get dressed? (eyes Beta) Beta, those pants don’t fit.
Beta: (cue whining and opposition)
Me: Ohmigod. Beta. Take them off before I loose my shiznit.
Beta: (more whining, hands over pants)
Me: (fixes sizing tab inside) Put these back on. When your pockets gape and your belly hangs over the front, they are too small. Just because you can button your pants does not mean they fit.
Beta: (sullenly stands there in pants that fit, refusing to give the satisfaction of being right)
Me: Please. Guys. I’m 43 years old. Could you just once take on faith that I actually know what I’m talking about and not lying to you but trying to help you get through life without looking stupid?

Parent Advisory

(Scene opens at grade school touring 6th grade country projects)
Me: (looking over a display on Japan) Nice work, Alpha
Alpha: They have all sorts of festivals too.
Me: Oh yeah, they have the Cherry Blossom one, one for a full moon, one for kids, probably one for incense, one for the royal family.
Alpha’s Friend: They also have one for spring that has…. (trails off)
Me: They have several for spring. Or are you talking about the one where they carry the bier with a….(realizes she’s about to say “oversized penis” to a 6th grader on school property)
Alpha’s Friend: Yeah. That one.
Alpha: You know about that one mom? How do you know about that one?
Me: I know lots of things. But yes, they have that “other” spring festival too.

I talk about it all the time

(scene opens at last night’s Fight Club)
Me: (clanks around in random armor bits)
Alpha: Wow! Mom! You look totally boss! Like the Dragonborn! Except no ebony sword, hand of flame, or Lydia.
Gamma: (wearing my gauntlets, holding sword) Mom! I want to be a knight! (swing enthusiastically at the pell)
Husband: (shouts a thu’um at me)
Me: Yeah, love you too. (proceeds to accept level one beating)

Another quarter for the Wine Fund

Gamma- I found my wedding ring!
Me (folding laundry) – Oh yeah, who are you married to?
Sera – A nice boy.
Me – What’s his name?
Gamma – Alpha. He’s my brother.
Me – You can’t marry your brother.
Gamma – Can I marry him when he’s all grown up?
Me – No.
Gamma – But he’ll be nice when he’s all grown up. All the nice boys are already all married. I’m out of time!
Me – You can’t marry your brother. You will find a nice boy when you grow up. I promise.
Gamma – You don’t understand! (stomps off)
(For the record, she’s five and last week she decided she was going to marry me because she loved me so much.)

High holidays

(Scene opens with Beta Unit doing the Every Goddamn Morning The Same Question because he has no concept of the passage of time or the ability to read a calendar)
Beta: What’s today?
Me: May the Fourth.
Beta: What’s tomorrow?
Me: Revenge of the Fifth.
Beta: (pauses, puts the references together) You’re funny mom. No, really, what day is it today?
Alpha: Today is Star Wars Day! I’m going to do nothing but Star Wars stuff when I get home from school!
Me: (considers the cultural importance of the day against her relative disinterest) Okay. After homework.