Petty wars

Today’s Baby Carrots brings you the favorite rerun of Gamma sitting at the head of the table and declaring herself queen only to have Beta be outrageously offended by this whimsy and argue with her for an hour about how she’s not the queen of anything. New House Rule: Anytime two parties are arguing over complete and total petty crap, I beat both parties with a wooden spoon. Goddamn middle children, I tell you.

Why does this even need to be said?

A mile walk to pick up the car from the shop included lighthearted conversational topics such as:

“Beta, accept the fact that you are wrong. Do not be that guy that has to justify why you had to be mean to someone. It is not her fault you have to be a jerk, it is your fault you wanted to be a jerk. No one wants to be friends with that.”


“Gamma, breaks are for the weak. We do not stop for a rest at the end of every block, we walk until we get to our destination and then we rest. The longer we take to get there, the longer we will be walking.”

Pure poetry

(scene opens with mom brushing daughter’s long wet hair)
Husband: Tell mommy how much you love daddy.
Gamma: (holds up pinched fingers)
Husband: Now show mommy how much you love her.
Gamma: (throws arms open wide)
Me: Sorry Husband.
Gamma: Mom, you win at love.
Me: Yes, some call me the gangster of love.
Gamma: (with heavy sarcasm) Really? You said that?

To the grindstone

(scene opens with some intense negotiations over the lawn mower)
Alpha: (suffering) But mom! It takes all day to mow the lawn! I want to go to Brian’s house!
Me: (swallowing deamons) The reason it takes you all day is because you take one pass across the lawn, stop for ice water and a five minute break to cool down. Start the mower and don’t stop until it’s finished and you’ll be done in 20 min. It’s less than a quarter acre. You could do finish it before I finish the dishes. Besides, Delta loves watching you.
Alpha: (looks over to see baby face peeping through the screen door grinning at him. Sighs. Starts up the mower)

Wisdom of the 80’s: Parental style

(scene opens with Team Middle Children out of control)
Me: (finishes buckling Delta into his seat, gets behind the wheel) Would you like to tell me what that’s all about?
Beta: (outraged) Gamma kept knocking on the window at me even though I told her to stop! Like she was doing it just to make me upset!
Gamma: (mocking laughter)
Me: She probably was. In life, there will always be people who will do things for the sole purpose of annoying the crap out of you. The only way to win is not to play.
Beta: (engages Epic Pout(tm))
Me: (turns on the Loop really loud and cruises the highway)