I’m just trying to help

(scene opens over changing table)
Delta: (wrestling the evil clothes) *screams*
Me: (uncaffeinated) Yes, Delta. It’s cold in here, you’re getting pants AND a sweater.
Delta: *screams intensifies*
Me: (unmoved, transfers Delta to the floor) There. It’s 48 degrees in here, you’ll feel better.
Delta: (full of murderous rage rolls across the floor) *blood curdling screams*
Me: I’m going to get coffee (leaves room)
Delta: (realizes how comfy and toasty warm he is – finally – falls asleep)
Me: No one ever listens to me.

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