(scene opens in gloomy morning kitchen)

Me: Ta-da! (changes the Anne Taintor 2017 Wall Calendar to March)
Alpha: (slowly) Money may not buy happiness, but check these…(thinks about it) b-word shoes.
Beta: Mom. That’s not nice, you can’t say that.
Me: I can’t control what the calendar says.
Alpha: You might not be able to control what it says, but you can control what kind of calendar you can buy.
Me: (sighs, finds old business card, writes “Awesome Shoes” on the back, tapes it over “bitchin’ shoes) There. Better?
Alpha: Much better.
Beta: Seriously, mom.