Our Truest Selves

(scene opens up on street corner, school bus pulling up)

Delta: (climbing the stairs) ‘Appy ‘Allo-een!
Jolly Bus Driver: Happy Halloween buddy! (gives high five)
Delta: I got pajamas on! (trots off to his seat, compares pjs with seat mate)
JBD: I suppose doing pajama day on Halloween is easier than costumes?
Me: I would guess. All day in costume would wear them out.
JBD: (tugs on overall strap that he wears daily) I dressed as a farmer today! (laughs uproariously)
Me: I dressed as a well-adjusted mother of four.

(More uproarious laughter)

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The Way She Moves

(scene opens in grocery store)

Me: (critically looks through the pre-sliced deli selection. Takes a variety of cheeses)
Deli Employee #1: (rolls up with a cart of fresh bagged meats)
Me: Oooh! Do you have turkey?
DE #1: Got some I.D.?
Me: Aww man, you gonna card me for some turkey?
DE #1: (turns to look at co-worker) Make her dance for it?
Me: Make me dance?
DE #2: That’d work. (mimics a little white girl shuffle)
Me: (claps hands, busts out a modified Fortnight emote)

(both deli employees double over with laughter)

DE #1: My man. Giv’er here. (holds out fist)
Me: (completes fist bump, takes the bacon wrapped turkey) Thank you, gentlemen. Have a good one.

Lawful Good

(scene opens in full airplane)

Beta: (spastic) Look! Look! Look! (pointing out window)
Alpha: (white knuckled, grits) Could you not?
Me: (calmly reading Kindle) Alpha, it’s okay. We’re not even turbulent.
Beta: Yeah, Alpha, not like we’re about to drop out of the sky in a flaming wreck.
Alpha: Seriously? Why would you say that?
Me: We’re in a tin can being thrown through the air, held aloft by the Laws of Physics.
Alpha: MOM!
Me: Math is magic.

Its Funny Because its True

(scene opens in dinning room)

Me: (harried, going over high school registration forms) Alpha, you can’t switch to Spanish next year, you’re taking German 2.
Alpha: (outraged) But wouldn’t it make more sense to learn a language everyone here is already speaking?!
Me: You can take Spanish in college if you want. Or you can start Spanish DuoLingo.
Alpha: But I’m already doing German DuoLingo as homework.
Me: You can do more than one at a time. I’m doing three right now.
Alpha: (sullen) But one of them is Klingon and that doesn’t count.
Husband: He’s not wrong.
Me: (harumphs)