And that, dear readers, is how Carrot ended up explaining what a douche was to Beta Unit, in front of her mother, at Thanksgiving.
Month: November 2019
Outer Limits
(scene opens in dim kitchen, Carrot on the floor holding screaming Delta)
Delta: (winding down to hiccuping sobs)
Me: You okay now?
Delta: (tearful nod) I just wan’ help.
Me: Honey, mom can’t help you with that. I don’t know how.
Delta: (tearing up) Make it so I can do it.
Me: (fraying sanity) Baby, I’ve never been able to solve a Rubik Cube. I want to help you but I can’t. I legitimately don’t know how!
Delta: (dissolves into wails of hopeless unending sadness)
Me: (closes eyes, rocks screaming toddler, practices deep breathing)
(pounding growing louder off stage)
Gamma: MOM! HELP ME! (Gamma runs through kitchen to bathroom, sounds of sick echoing off porcelain)
Me: (sighs, rolls weeping toddler off lap) Welp, at least this is something I can take care of.
(cue laugh track, fade to black, cut to car commercial)
Inner Conflict
(scene opens in tossed parlor)
Me: (sitting at embroidery frame) Ready for school?
Beta: (struggling into jacket) Yeah. What day is it?
Me: Thursday. Do you have Robotics Club tonight?
Beta: (thinks) Yeah. I do. Y’know what? Today is not only Robotics Club, but Knitting Club and Anime club. All on the same day!
Me: That’s usually how it goes.
Beta: (deep dramatic sigh) It’s so hard being a nerd like me. (nods once, exits)
They know a thing, too.
(scene opens at cluttered table)
Alpha: I need help finding references on how alcohol affects the body.
Me: Look up Betty Ford Clinic.
Alpha: Says page is denied.
Me: The school laptop won’t let you look up Betty Ford Clinic? That’s absurd. You can look it up on my computer and use it as a reference.
Alpha: But she’ll think I’m making it up if we can’t pull it up on a school computer.
Me: Trust me, the teachers will know what the clinic is and who Betty Ford is.
Innate knowledge
(scene opens in cluttered parlor)
Gamma: (shrieking) MOM! BETA IS CALLING ME A LOSER.
Me: (resignedly enters the room, sees Beta with thumb on either side of his head, single finger raised like horns) Beta?
Beta: (waggles hands) I’m not calling her a loser, I’m pretending to be a moose.
Gamma: (moar shrieking) THOSE ARE ‘L’s! ‘L’s MEAN LOSER!
Me: (inhales deeply, stares in Ron Swanson) That’s not a moose. You need all your fingers for moose horns.
Beta: (processes, opens both hands) I’m a moose!
Gamma: (quick reversal) YOU’RE A MOOSE! MOOSE! MOOSE! MOOSE!
Me: (contemplates the absurdity of her existence, exits stage left)