Pure Romance

(scene opens at cluttered dinning room table)

Me: (Headphones on, typing on laptop)

Beta: (struggling through a book report)

(sound of back door slamming off screen)

Me: (looks up, sees someone in kitchen, assumes cheesy come thither stare)

Beta: (also looks up) Who is it? Mom, who is it? Hello? (waves hand in front of Carrot’s face) Mom. Whoisit?!

Me: Oh, just making goo-goo eyes at the serial killer in the kitchen.

Husband: (enters from kitchen, wearing black on black on black, holding a large wood axe) It’s the glasses, isn’t it? If I take them off I’m just a cute lumberjack, right? (takes off glasses)

Me: Yes. Totally changes the threat assessment levels.

Beta: (shakes head) I do not understand you guys.

Me: Few people do, honey.

Groady to the max

(scene opens in cluttered dinning room)

Beta: (poking at Alpha next to him, on laptop, earbuds in)

Husband: Beta, focus, I’m trying to explain something to you.

Beta: Alpha’s not listening.

Alpha: (eyes don’t leave the screen) I can hear you just fine.

Husband: Excellent, so as I was saying…

Beta: (licks hand, smears it across Alpha’s face, runs out of the room)

Alpha: (rises like a monster from the deep, rips out earbuds) Oh hell no. (spits copiously into his hand, makes to chase after)

Me: (screams) OH MY GOD THAT’S SO GROSS DON’T YOU DARE (proceeds to collapse in hysterical laughter)

Husband: (hard won patience) Alpha, go wash your hands. (Alpha exits)

Me: (still laughing, in tears) I blame you. And your brothers. No way in hell any of mine ever would have done that. That is so…boy.

Husband: (reprovingly) You’re making it really hard to be the disciplinarian with all that laughing.

Me: (more shocked defensive laughter) IT WAS SO GROSS! WHO DOES THAT!?

Blaspheming

(scene opens in brightly lit kitchen)

Husband: So Alpha, I’m compiling a list of movies for you guys to watch.

Me: (watching the microwave count down) Some of them need vetting.

Husband: You haven’t seen Indiana Jones yet, have you?

Alpha: One, two, three and four?

Me: (takes coffee out of microwave, slams door) THERE IS NO FOUR!

Alpha: (stares)

Husband: (shocked, trying not to laugh)

Me: (icily to husband) I will not have that in my house. (exits, head held high)

Alpha: (calls after her) Is that the one that…

Husband: Dude, just no. Trust me.