(scene opens in cluttered dinning room)
Beta: (poking at Alpha next to him, on laptop, earbuds in)
Husband: Beta, focus, I’m trying to explain something to you.
Beta: Alpha’s not listening.
Alpha: (eyes don’t leave the screen) I can hear you just fine.
Husband: Excellent, so as I was saying…
Beta: (licks hand, smears it across Alpha’s face, runs out of the room)
Alpha: (rises like a monster from the deep, rips out earbuds) Oh hell no. (spits copiously into his hand, makes to chase after)
Me: (screams) OH MY GOD THAT’S SO GROSS DON’T YOU DARE (proceeds to collapse in hysterical laughter)
Husband: (hard won patience) Alpha, go wash your hands. (Alpha exits)
Me: (still laughing, in tears) I blame you. And your brothers. No way in hell any of mine ever would have done that. That is so…boy.
Husband: (reprovingly) You’re making it really hard to be the disciplinarian with all that laughing.
Me: (more shocked defensive laughter) IT WAS SO GROSS! WHO DOES THAT!?