Month: January 2020

Vague Similarity

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in doctor exam room, Beta and Gamma suffering each other’s existence, Carrot failing sanity checks)

Doctor: (enters) So, tests came back. They both have strep.

Me: (wearily) Not a surprise.

Doctor: I figured they both had it the way their voices were all garbled, but had to do the test to make sure.

Me: Yeah, they do sound like they have golf balls in their mouths.

Beta: Goth balls?

Me: Golf balls. Sounds like you’re talking around solid objects in your throat.

Beta: Oh, okay. That makes more sense. I was trying to figure out what goth balls are.

Me: Eh, it would probably still work as a descriptor. They’re dark and full of pain. (laughs)

Beta: (stares in WTF)

Doctor: (stares in professionalism)

Me: (sighs) Yeah…you don’t get why that’s funny. When can they go back to school?

Child of Darkness

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in mini-van, silently listening to the radio)

Me: Oh, this is one of my favorites. (turns up volume on Faith and the Muse’s “Cantus”

(cue all the children talking loudly and with no reason, just to make noise)

Me: (enraged, turns it up to eleven)

Delta: MOMMY! TOO LOUD! TURN IT OFF!

Me: (bitterly turns off the radio) Seriously guys. You were quiet for five damn songs in a row, and as soon as one I like plays you start running your damn mouths?

(cue three meaningless apologies)

Delta: Mommy, why you turn it up so loud?

Me: Because I really like that song. I like the way it makes me feel, not just the sound of it, but the way it reverberates in my bones. It makes my heart sing. It’s beautiful the way it soars.

Delta: Oh. Okay. Turn it up to one hundred, mommy.

Me: That’s my boy.

(“Cantus” roars, fade to black, cut to car commercial)

Fluent in Sarcasm

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in dining room, conversation in progress)

Husband: So, what you’re saying is that he’s a Tony Stark – he’s going to save the world, but it’s going to take him a little while to get here.

Me: (affecting a Look of No Surprise) Huh. (slurps coffee theatrically) Maybe?

Delta: (starts laughing) Mommy made a joke! Mommy is being funny! You’re funny mommy!

Me: (side eye) …..uh

Husband: I told you that you had to watch what you say around him.

Me: HE’S FOUR! HE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND THAT LEVEL OF DISCOURSE YET! WE ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!

College ready

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in surprisingly clean kitchen)

Beta: (coughing like a typhoid patient)

Me: Sorry Beta, time to give you the big drugs. (pulls out extra strength overnight NyQuil)

Beta: NO! I HATE THAT STUFF! IT TASTES LIKE DEATH! AND CHERRIES!

Me: (starts laughing, pouring out) That’s my new punk band name, “Death and Cherries”.

Beta: Wut?

Me: Nothing, drink.

Beta: NO!

Me: DO IT!

(Alpha walks in, sees the conflict starts chanting)

Alpha: DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!

Beta: TO VALHALLA! (slams NyQuill, chugs liter of water)

Me: I should be upset, but that was very well done.