Times Have Changed

(scene opens in mini-van, Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up” playing)

Me: Oh, I like this one. Sounds like the club mix. (turns it up)

Alpha: (side eye) This is not an appropriate song. (listens) Especially not while I’m on my way to a Boys Scout event.

Me: (returns side eye, matches high vocal melody)

Alpha: With my mother in the car.

Me: (relents) Fine. (presses skip button, NIN’s “Head Like a Hole” plays) Oh, I like this one too. (turns it up to eleven)

Alpha: (listens for a moment, turns it back down to four)

Me: (singing) …than give you control!…Hey, I was listening to that.

Alpha: Why is your music so loud?

Me: When did you get so old?

Alpha: (rolls eyes, goes back to scrolling dank memes on his phone)

Called Out

(scene opens in moderately clean dining room)

Me: (at laptop trying to enjoy morning coffee)

Gamma: (runs in, shaking noisemaker) Mom! Mom! I put candy in this plastic heart!

Me: I can hear it. Good job.

Gamma: (shoves it in her face) For you!

Me: (anticipating gross candy) No thank you.

Gamma: But its your heart! Its full of Nerds!

Me: (blinks) You’re right. It is. (accepts)

Gamma: (runs off screen yelling) Mommy’s heart is full of Nerds!

We Brought it on Ourselves

(scene opens in cluttered dinning room)

Husband: (enters from kitchen) Hey, did you hear what Niece K wants to be when she grows up? (opens up laptop)

Me: (typing, doesn’t look up) I already made the reference and he didn’t get it.

(Husband plays Dentist Song from Little Shop of Horrors)

(Boys watch in WTF)

Alpha: What the hell was that?

Husband: A song from a movie.

Beta: What kind of movie has a song about a dentist hurting people?!

Husband: A movie about a plant. A talking plant. That eats people.

Beta: (pauses) It is not. You’re lying.

Me: He’s not. It was a play called Little Shop of Horror, they turned it into a movie. The the plant talks and is called Audrey Two.

Beta: (stares) You are both totally lying to me.

Me: (starts laughing) It does sound like something we’d lie about.

Husband: I wouldn’t believe me either.