Month: April 2020

Peasant Revolt

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(scene open in cluttered parlor)

Me: (frazzled) It is three in the afternoon. Is everyone finally done with their school work?!

Beta: (staunchly) Yes. (puts on his shoes)

Me: What are you doing?

Beta: I’m going to take the smalls outside for a sword fight. Get them out of your hair.

Gamma: Yay! Sword fight! (throws down toys, runs for shoes) I want two swords!

Delta: I will use a peasant weapon because I am a peasant.

Husband: (hears this, puts on shoes)

Me: Where are you going?

Husband: Be right back. Have to teach a spear class.

Small Person, Big Question

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in bathroom, bubble bath in progress)

Delta: When will Corona end?

Me: (taken aback) What? Uh…Oh, I don’t know honey. No one knows. It’s a mystery.

Delta: (agog) No one knows? In the whole wide world?

Me: Nope. Scientists are working on it.

Delta: Where did Corona come from?

Me: An animal. Sometimes people can get sick and give it to animals and animals can get sick and give it to people. It’s why we have to be careful when we cough and stay clean. Wash your hand! (lathers Delta’s head)

Delta: (laughs) Animals can’t cough!

Me: No, but they can spit on you! (pours water on Delta’s head)

Delta: (shrieks and laughs)

(fade to black, cut to car commercial)

Positioning

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in messy kitchen)

Alpha: (wanders in, groaning) My back hurts.

Husband: Did you sleep wrong?

Alpha: I don’t know. (stretching)

Husband: Did you sleep funny?

Alpha: What?

Husband: Did you sleep funny?

Alpha: (thinks about it) I’m not doing this. (exits, stage left)

Shots Fired

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(scene opens in cluttered dinning room)

Alpha & Beta: (being dumb)

Husband: (homework checking laptop) You guys are being dumb.

Alpha: We learn from the best. (strutting through the room)

Me: First, we don’t want dumb kids, we want smart, driven, and ambitious kids. Second, that presumes you have the capacity to learn.

Husband: (turns to look at Alpha) You have something on your jeans. (points) Come here.

Alpha: (looks down, steps closer)

Husband: (knuckle punches Alpha in the thigh)

Alpha: (collapses) I can’t believe I fell for that!

Beta: (laughs) I would have fallen for that.

Me: Back to that capacity to learn.

Will to Live

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(scene opens in homeschool parlor)

Me: (gingerly steps into room, clad in bathrobe)

Delta: Mommy! (runs over, slam hugs)

Gamma: Mom! (runs over, bear hugs)

Me: (wanly) I love you too. (pats children) Don’t hug me so hard, my stomach hurts.

Delta: (lets go) Are you better?

Me: Mostly. I need to get something to eat. I’ve not eaten in five days. (moves gingerly to kitchen)

Beta: (looks up from table) How are you alive if you haven’t eaten in five days?

Me: Gatorade. Spite. Mostly spite.

Beta: Your hatred for all humanity?

Me: Something like that.

With a side of whimsy

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(scene opens in chaotic kitchen)

Beta: Stop it!

Me: (struggling with traffic control) What?

Beta: Every time I turn my back he drinks my drink! (holds up empty mug and 2 liter of Hawaiian Punch)

Alpha: (washing dishes, evil laugh)

Me: Then take it to the dinning room and pour.

Gamma: I want to drink blood of my enemies too!

Beta: (snotty) It’s not blood it’s fruit punch.

Delta: What fruit punch?

Me: Its a bunch of fruit juice all mixed together (takes 2 liter) Although this isn’t really fruit anything. (gets glasses)

Gamma: Blood of my enemies!

Beta: (hotly) It’s not blood!

Me: Blood of my enemies, Beta. Get it right. (pours two more glasses)

Tactical Advantage

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(scene opens up in cluttered dinning room)

Me: (head phones, trying to write)

Gamma: (head phones, preparing for online virtual classroom meeting)

Delta: (comes into kitchen from outside, runs through crying)

Beta: (Follows in, comes to parlor) Good job, Alpha. That was all your fault.

Alpha: (playing Destiny 2) Wut?

Me: (removes headphones, gets up, finds Delta hiding behind door crying) What’s going on?

Beta: We were playing bridge battle. He touches the grass and says, “This is water and I’m Jesus” and runs across it. Alpha taught him that. I told him I wasn’t playing with cheaters any more.

Alpha: (guilty smile)

Me: (laughs, picks up Delta and hugs him) Good job.

Bro, do you even school?

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in dinning room)

Me: Guys, I’m getting emails from teachers updating me on your assignments. Who’s teacher is Ms. W? Who has Ms. D? Anyone have Mr. G?

Kids: (collectively) Uh, I don’t recognize those names.

Me: Okay, they’re either Alpha or Beta’s ’cause I know Gamma and Delta’s.

Bigs: I dunno.

Me: (slogs through school web page directories) Okay Beta, you have Ms. W and Ms. D. Alpha – you have Mr. G.

Beta: Oh yeah, Ms. W is the English teacher. I forgot.

Alpha: Who is Mr. G? I don’t know a Mr. G.

Me: IT IS APRIL HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THE NAMES OF YOUR TEACHERS?!?