Leveling Up

(scene opens in trashed pandemic parlor, sound of ice cream truck in the background)

Gamma: (shouting, waving a fist full of dollars) Ice cream man! Mom! Please!

Delta: (quick to join in) Mom! Ice cream man!

Me: (giving up the protracted battle) Fine. Go. Don’t run into the street.

(smalls race out of the house. Carrot sits at the table, head in hands. Five minutes of pure silence passes.)

Gamma: (burst through door) Mom! I have ice cream!

Delta: (runs to table) Gamma bought me ice cream!

Gamma: (proud and wistful) I have finally bought ice cream from the ice cream man.

Delta: (matter-of-factly) Gamma feels very grown up right now.

Me: (sighs) I can tell.

0/10 Not Recommend

(scene opens in detritus laden dinning room, Carrot sorting through a school year’s worth of papers)

Me: Gamma? Can you come here and fill out your memory book for the school year?

Gamma: (slinks to the table, picks up pen) No field trips. No cafeteria. No classrooms. No playground. Guess I’m done.

Me: Wait! Get back here! (dumps twenty half used notebooks in recycling) What’s on the next page?

Gamma: (looks at choices) Goals for next year.

(camera close up on scribble reading “See people”)

Gamma: Am I done?

Me: Go ahead. (sighs, picks up Delta’s book as Gamma flees stage left) Delta? What was your favorite game?

Delta: Nothing.

Me: On the playground?

Delta: Nothing

Me: Favorite story?

Delta: Nothing.

Me: Favorite color? Favorite teacher? Names of your friends?

Delta: Black. None. I don’t have any.

Me: Damn, kid. Do you like anything?

Delta: I like XBox.

Me: (writes that down) The parenting books did not have a chapter on this.

….and call him George

Beta: Hey mom? What’s Epsilon playing with outside?

Me: (distracted) I don’t know.

(Beta leaves, comes back)

Me: Oh. Epsilon 3, Bun-buns 0

Beta: Except for that one, he’s not hurting them. And that one I think was an accident. He’s just chilling with them. Like he doesn’t know what to do with it when he catches it.

Me: Well, he’s a herd dog. Maybe he’s trying to herd the bun-buns.

Beta: Maybe we should get him a rabbit stuffed animal?

Me: He likes to chew on things, I don’t want associating bun-buns with eviscerating stuffies.

Ouch

(scene opens in mini van, pulling away from kindergarten pick up line)

Delta: Is today Mother’s Day?

Me: No, yesterday was Mother’s Day.

Delta: Mother’s Day is only one day?

Me: Yes. Only one day.

Delta. Only one day a year?

Me: Yes. Mother’s Day is only one day a year.

Delta: So only one day a year you have a life?

Me: (quiet, merges into traffic) Yes. Thanks for pointing that out, Delta.

Delta. (happily) You’re welcome, mommy!

Funny Because True

(scene opens in rainy dining room)

Beta: (shuffles up groggy) Did you get your other cards?

Me: (sips coffee) Yes.

Beta: (hands over pink envelope) I went to the store, looked at cards for ten seconds and decided this was the one.

Me: Oh boy.

Husband: (from kitchen) Thanks for getting me in trouble, Beta!

Me: He’s not wrong!

Odds are Good

(scene opens in shoe warehouse)

Register Lady: (checking pastel and white athletic shoes) I hope these stay nice and white for you.

Me: They’re not for me. They’re her’s. (tilts head in Gamma’s direction)

RL: (confused look) And how old are you, pretty girl?

Gamma: (proudly) Ten.

RL: (shocked) She’s ten years old and wearing a lady’s seven?!

Me: (sighs) Husband is 6’4″. None of them take after me.

RL: (moar shocked) She’s going to be tall.

Me: I’m hoping for Super Model. Help pay for college.