Abdication

(scene opens in almost clean kitchen)

Gama: (grandly) I am the new queen of the house!

Me: (thinks about it) Who was the old queen?

Gamma: You.

Me: (decides coffee is more important than civil war) Why was I deposed?

Gamma: You’re always busy and always have work to do and you never have time to play. I am always ready to play and can do all the fun things.

Me: You are not wrong. Hail Gamma, first of her name.

Joke Grenade

(scene opens in cluttered dinning room)

Beta: Mom, I’m a failure.

Me: (caught typing, pauses) What?

Beta: I’m a failure. Remember the whole step-joke?

Me: Yeah?

Beta: I just figured out why it’s called a step-ladder. It’s a ladder. With steps.

Me: (covers face with hands) Oh god. Oh god, you’re kidding me.

Beta: Yeah. Sorry. Are you disappointed in me?

Me: (laughs in unbelievable are you serious) Maybe a little.

This again?

(scene opens in mini van)

Me: (takes off mask) So, tell me all about your first lesson.

Gamma: (deer in headlights, holds up drum sticks) It was fun?

Me: Tell me something you learned.

Gamma: (taps dashboard with sticks) Uh…eighth notes?

Me: Eighth notes? (brings up hands to clap) One-and-two-and-three-and-four-and?

Gamma: (gasps) How did you know that?!

Me: (deep mental sigh) Gamma, what instrument did I use to play?

Gamma: Guitar?

Me: No! Baritone! Like Beta!

Gamma: Baritones have eighth notes too?!

Me: (deeper mental sigh) Honey, music is music. They all have eighth notes.

Why Are People

(scene opens in mini van, a rare silence)

Gamma: (staring out the window) Mom, what was that building?

Me: (mental sigh) A strip club. Its a place where men pay money to watch women take off their clothes and drink alcohol.

Gamma: (shocked) Why are there places like that?

Me: Because men will pay money to watch women take off their clothes and drink alcohol.

Gamma: (moar shocked) Why do women work there?

Me: Uh… because money. Its the only job they can get for whatever reason.

Carrot’s Inner Voice: Don’t kink shame, Carrot!

Me: (out loud) And I suppose it’s possible that some enjoy it.

Gamma: (weary) I’m sorry I asked.

(awkward silence, fade to black)