Month: December 2021

Ending on a High Note

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(scene opens in holiday wrecked dinning room, Carrot at table looking frazzled)

Husband: (enters from kitchen)

Me: (tense) We have to take Delta to the planitarium.

Husband: Why?

Delta: (grins) Mommy and I were talking about burn out.

Husband: (stares in WTF)

Me: (closes eyes, sighs) He was asking what “burn out” means and wanted to know why we haven’t invented limitless energy – his words, not mine – and I explained that everything burns out, even the sun which has already existed for millions of years and will burn out millions of years in the future. He’s now asking me astronomical questions I don’t have answers to.

Husband: (stirring tea) Huh.

Me: Y’know – I prepared for endless kid questions by learning why the sky is blue and as of yet, not a single one has asked that. But meanwhile, I’ve had to show them how to use a bookmark and how to work the pull-tab on a can.

Husband: (tries for stoicism, fails, begins to laugh)

Delta: You know, I can hear you mom. Why is the sky blue? (grin turns smug)

Me: (puts head down on desk)

Husband: I’ll put that down as a “Brought it on yourself.”

Day In the Life of the Pandemic

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(scene opens, Carrot at lap top)

(camera close up on email from Scout Master saying post-meeting positive case)

(back to Carrot, thinking and frowning and drinking coffee)

(camera close up on second email from school detailing positive case with close contact)

(back to Carrot, puts down coffee, grabs keys leaves)

(ridiculously long driving montage and multiple store visits)

(cut scene to Carrot, in CVS pharmacy)

Stock Lady: Here, I found these in the back. (hands over a stack of tests)

Carrot: (relief) Oh thank god. You’ve saved Christmas.

(cut scene to mini van, Carrot driving past hospital with large protest outside with signs and American flags)

Protester #1: (yelling, waving sign saying “Murder! Jesus Judges!”)

Protester #2: (chanting, bobbing sign saying “Crime to withhold proven treatment!”)

Protester #3: (holding up sign saying “Let them take ivermectin!”)

Carrot: (tearfully) Sweet Zombie Jebuz, we’re never fucking getting out of this.

Carrot’s Book Review: Undead Edition

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We come here together to talk about Gideon the Ninth, written by Tamsin Nur.

I love Necromancers as a general rule. Most gaming systems (eventually) offer them as a class choice and I love playing them. There’s not a whole lot of variation, sadly, almost as if people really don’t know what to do with Necromancers save “raise the dead” and “summon ghost”. It means that while you get the option of playing one, you’re very limited on what you’re allowed to do. No one wants to make Necromancers more deadly than Tanks for some reason. Like its an offensive threat to the Nerd Gods to up-end some sort of classic and traditional “He-Man Protects Nerdy Weak Magic Class” dynamic. Can’t have freaky Goth Kids saving the Captain of the Football team, right?

But I digress.

The fact that Gideon the Ninth is a book entirely about futuristic space necromancers (bear with me) was a big draw. Not gonna lie. I would not be surprised to find out that the author is a closet Warhammer 40k fan. Or at least has spent a goodly amount of time flipping through lore books. There are nine – count them nine! – noble houses all with their own variation/flavor of necromancy, and they serve/worship their Undying God Emperor who apparently is battling some space war with something never specified.

Its the never-specified that gets me. Were I to go with a traditional Five Star Rating, I’ll have to go with a Four just because while I really liked it, I had no goddamn idea what was going on for the start of the book. It opens cold into this universe with no explanation and you have to scramble to fill the holes as you find them. I don’t mind scrambling if the story is good, its like a treasure hunt and the map unfurls oh-so very slowly.

Oh you terrible tease!

Once you settle in and come to terms that some things will not be explained, like most of the worlds and their cultures, you can focus on the characters, which are a delight. Gideon is a straight up Sassomancer and who doesn’t like some mouthy chick with a sword, amirite? Every house has a necromancer at the lead, and every one of those house scions has a dedicated sword master to serve them. Nice to see the Goth Kids in charge for once, even as there’s still the thug-protecting-the-scholar set up. This story centers around Gideon as the sword master (they call them cavaliers) to the Head of the Ninth House. Personality conflicts ensue.

I can only guess that there will be more explanation of WT Ever Living F (“ever living” ha ha, see what I did there?) is going on with this never ending necromantic war and why everything seems to be multiple millennia old and crumbling around them. Maybe how they got an Undying God Emperor, how you resurrect an entire solar system, and for what purpose? Where are all the regular people?

I guess this is more of my map slowly unfurling. There are four books in this run, the fourth not yet published. I only recently discovered there’s a couple Point(tm) in this series. And by Point I mean this new (and weird trend) to publish books slightly out of order and “to the side”. Example? Having just finished Book #1, I discovered there’s a Book #0.5 (which is NOT in my local library!). Book #1 was published in 2019, book #0.5 published in 2020. I suppose all the explanation I didn’t get in Gideon the Ninth was published in a later game supplement back up novel? There’s also a #2.5 novel which seemed to be published in correct order between #2 and #3. Does that mean I don’t have to read it to make the novel make sense? And if I do have to read it, why isn’t #2.5 just #3? I guess I’ll figure out when I get there.

I would like to know why this is now a thing in writing. It’s a bit aggravating.

But I digress again!

Some of it was way sciencey. I glossed over that a little bit, wanting to get back to the witty sassomancer and her necromancer. It gets a little deep with the science experiments and the alluding to previous studies. Like, the actual scientific theorems of various necromantic abilities. They put a way lot of thought into what Necromancers can/could do if given the ability to really stretch their magic class. A little hard science in your sci-fi-fantasy, I guess. Hey – DMs & STs – read these books and take some damn notes so your Necromancers can do more than just tag along behind the party to question the guy you accidentally killed.

This here book is getting Four Stars because I don’t have a witty rating for it that doesn’t somehow involve Bela Lugosi.

Shameless Promotion: Ridiculous edition

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Its been a while since I’ve shared my oh-so important thoughts about anything, but you really need to see this.

That, my dear readers, is Duke Cannon’s Offensively Large Sunscreen Lip Balm. Don’t be surprised when I tell you…it is offensively big. I can’t tell if I feel like a tiny little child playing with mommy’s lipstick or if I mistakenly grabbed Delta’s glue stick. It does give good coverage. At a mild SPF 30, I feel like I could easily hit my cheekbones and nose in an extra swipe it’s so large.

Okay, backtrack a bit. I am not receiving any goods nor monetary inducement to give this review, just the hilarity in my black little heart.

It smells a little minty but it doesn’t burn the mouth the way menthol related medicated lip balm does. Once I get used to the feeling of putting on clown makeup, I think I’m gonna love it. Also, way harder to lose when its that damn big. Takes up almost the entirety of my girl pockets. I’m giving this a: Worth the Extra Cargo Space.

Continuing on this shameless promotion: The reason I ended up this monstrosity is because I was hunting a replacement jar of Bloody Knuckles Hand Repair Balm. I got a jar for Husband a while back, for he dislikes scented things. Lotions tend to be on the perfumed side and few of them are acceptable, even to for me. It is a scentless lotion that is super creamy and does not leave the hands gross and oily and slick and slimy. Or all of them. And it works really well. Trust me, I’ve got dragon skin. This gets a: No Joke, You Need Some.

Yes, yes, the entire site is Hyper Masculine Marketing. Men can’t have lip balm, they must have tactical lip balm! They don’t use soap, they use Thick Ass Soap! (which I did get myself, but have yet to use) But something deep inside of me tells me that they don’t actually believe their over the top testosterone laden product blurbs. Its part of the joke?

As a final bit of review, I got myself some solid cologne. Yes. For me. It smells of vetiver and oakmoss and now you know what they used to make English Leather cologne (for those of you old enough to have fathers that wore such a thing). One does not buy perfume/cologne without knowing the preferences of the recipient, so I was unwilling to order for any of my stinky boys. So I will share, if they are inclined to be headed into the world of Manly Smells(tm). Meanwhile, I get to smell like a forest god. It’s quite intimidating. And this is a rather large solid tin, so it’s going to last me quite a while. This is rated: Maybe Too Much

Husband is going to love that.

Scattered Knowledge

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(scene opens in dark car, Pandora Radio playing a commercial for Dexter)

Alpha: (derisively) Who names a serial killer Dexter. That’s a ridiculous name.

Me: (absently) Dexter is the opposite of Sinister. Sinister is the left, Dexter is the right, which is why if you can use both hands it’s called ambidextrous. Dexter is a serial killer who only hunts serial killers. He’s on the right side of sinister.

Alpha: (long silence) And where on the internet did you get that?

Me: I didn’t. I came up with it on my own. But I bet someone else on the internet came up with it too.

Alpha: (mockingly) Oh, look I’m making up word meanings.

Me: Do it! Look it up! Look up what dexter means.

(long silence)

Me: Did you find it?

Alpha: No. I decided to believe you.

Me: (shocked) Oh now you decide to start listening to me?

Alpha: Well, you’re the one making things up, seems easier just to let you go on.

Me: You know how you get all this random knowledge? Read. Read a lot. Read tons. Get yourself some accidental knowledge. Then you, too, will also see the deeper hidden meanings of things.

Alpha: Or I could just sit here and laugh over memes showing a pumpkin carved into a troll face. (cut scene to shitty meme on phone)

Me: (gives up) Despair. You make me. I am full.

What Are You Even

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(scene opens in dim foyar)

Gamma: (skipping downstairs) Mom! I lost a tooth!

Me: (frazzled) Well, give it to me so I can put it in the Tooth Fairy Box.

Gamma: (stops, startled) I don’t know where it is.

Me: What do you mean? Go back upstairs and get it.

Gamma: I woke up without it.

Me: You lost it in your sleep?

Gamma: Yeah, I think I swallowed it.

Me: Seriously. (suspicious) Did you go to bed with the tooth and wake up without it?

Gamma: (confused) No, I didn’t have it before bed last night. Maybe it’s down here.

Me: (headache starts) So, you wiggled it and it fell out last night before you went to bed. Do you remember where you were when it fell out?

Gamma: I might have been at school.

Me: Why do you only loose teeth at school? Did you drop it? Did you leave it in your desk?

Gamma: (vacantly) I don’t know. I think it just fell out.

Me: (flatly) It just fell out. It fell out of your mouth without you noticing.

Gamma: Maybe?

Me: Or was there suddenly this weird thing in your mouth and you just swallowed it?

Gamma: (disinterested) I might have done that.

Carrot’s Inner Voice: Child, I am seriously starting to doubt your intellectual capacity.

Me: (out loud) Well, I can’t help you then. Get your shoes on and let’s get to school.

Gamma: (recovered) I can just write a note to the Tooth Fairy explaining.

Me: You write a lot of notes to the Tooth Fairy.