February 2023 – Baby Carrots

(scene opens in cluttered dining room)

Delta: And my friend at school dyed her hair today!

Me: (mildly) Oh yeah? What color.

Delta: Purple! She looks like a brand new human!

Me: Did you want to color your hair again during Spring Break?

Delta: (delightedly) Yes! I want to dye it black!

Me: (makes a face) Black isn’t fancy. If you’re doing to dye your hair, you should do it a fancy color.

Delta: (determinedly) Black is fancy! Black is the color of suits and suits are fancy so black is a fancy color.

Me: (moderately impressed) Well then. I guess we’re going to dye your hair black

Delta: (gleeful once again) You lied!

Me: No, I didn’t lie. You just changed my thinking.

(scene opens in dining room)

Beta: (tying shoes) I need to be dropped off at 6:30 and then picked up after the game.

Me: Okay, we can do that, but what time?

Beta: When the game is done.

Me: Yes. But what time does the game end?

Beta: I don’t know, how long does a basketball game go?

Husband: (holds two hands wide apart) From end to end.

(room pauses)

Me: (puts head down on table and laughs until she cries)

Beta: (scowls)

Husband: (quite pleased with himself)

Beta: Mom. Not that funny.

Me: (wheezes) Honey, the jokes with accidental set up are the best jokes.

Husband: Got another one for you. How do you tell the sex of an ant?

(silence)

Husband: You put –

Beta: Wait. Let me figure it out.

(more silence)

(Gamma enters the room from the parlor)

Husband: (gleefully) Gamma! How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Gamma: (measures the room and with resigned hopelessness) No. Just no. (leaves)

Carrot: (begins to laugh again, wiping tears)

Baby Carrots