Fashionista

(scene opens in wind-swept parking lot, Carrot hand-in-hand with Delta. They both head to a kid salon. Delta has a sheep’s worth of blond curls on his head)

(cut scene to Carrot and Delta exiting salon, Delta possessing considerably less hairs, very nearly shorn)

Delta: (despondent) I don’t like my hair this way.

Me: (sympathetically) I know, baby. She took off way more than I expected. It’ll grow back.

Delta: I don’t think it looks good. I want my hair to be longer.

Me: (with compassion) I like long hair too. Dad thought you needed it out of your face because it was getting so moppy and bothering you at school. As you get older and as you get better at caring for it yourself, you can grow it longer.

Delta: (gloomy) It doesn’t look good like this.

Me: Oh honey, you’re still my handsome boy.

Delta: (with formal chill) Mother, don’t call me handsome looking like this. This is not handsome hair.

Carrot’s Inner Voice: Oh, my heart, she breaks!

Me: (resolute) You are handsome even with short little spikey hair. It will grow back quickly and you can let it shag out all summer long.

Delta: (partially mollified) Very well.

(Delta climbs into mini-van, scene fades to black)

Buried Treasure

(scene opens in surprisingly clean parlor)

Me: (looks up from typing) Gamma, what are you doing?

Gamma: (fiddling at the charging station in the corner) Putting on Delta’s fitbit.

Me: You can’t wear his Fitbit. Where’s yours?

Gamma: I don’t know.

Me: Go check under your bed.

Gamma: It’s not there. I cleaned my whole room. It’s missing.

Me: Uh-huh.

Gamma: It is! I looked everywhere! Can I have the tablet so I can talk to my friends now?

Me: (rises with resignation) Lets check the state of your room first.

(scene changes to mostly clean kid’s room)

Me: Where’d everything go?

Gamma: (kicks drawer under the bed) In here. That’s what it’s for, right?

Me: Uh, no. (tests drawer, stuck finally gets it open, over filled with kid stuff and trash) We’re going to have to go through that. (peeks under bed) Gamma? Look under the bed?

Gamma: (crouches down and looks under bed) Oh. My fitbit.

Me: (with deep Maternal I Told You So) Huh. Imagine that. Who could have known. Oh and look, there are the library books you couldn’t find.

Gamma: (sheepish) I’ll get the broom. Then I can have the tablet?

Me: Yes. Hand me the Fitbit, I’ll go charge it.

You cannot escape my vengeance!

(scene opens in cluttered dinning room, Carrot finishing up a zoom call)

Me: (removes headphones) So. Beta. Talking to your welding teacher. Seems like you’re falling behind for not turning in assignments. Assignments that I remember being on your ass about weeks ago.

Beta: (sags, sighs, begins to obviously suffer) Yeah, I know…

Me: And he tells me that he and another teacher tease you about your girlfriend.

Beta: (snaps upright) They…! What….? How dare they! They told you that?!

Me: Yup. I told them that you and Alpha have this thing where I don’t know about the girlfriend until after you’ve broken up. But to keep making fun of you, as it right and proper.

Beta: (vibrates with indignation) You told him that? You actually told him to keep harassing me? (explosive and dramatic sigh) The see me walking to class with Gi— because she wants to take welding next year and haven’t let up on me since!

Me: (slightly disappointed) Oh, it’s Gi—? Doesn’t she have a crush on Ge—?

Beta: Yeah, but it doesn’t stop them from teasing me. I cannot believe you told my teachers it was okay to pick on me about my non-existent girlfriend!

Me: (carelessly) Well, start turning your homework in on time and I’ll tell them to stop.

That’s our cue.

(scene opens in cluttered dinning room, children waiting for pie)

Me: (looks up from lap top, calls out) King Charles just knighted Brian May.

Husband: (comes into dinning room with pie)

Beta: Who’s Brian May and why is he important enough to be knighted?

Me: (looks to husband) Want to tell him why Brian May is important?

Husband: Oh. He’s a champion.

Beta: (stares in WTF)

Husband: (prepares the set up) As a young man…

Me: (not seeing where it was going) He killed a man.

Husband: (changes track) Put a gun up to his head.

Me: He pulled the trigger.

Husband: Now he’s….

Beta: (interrupting) Okay! I get it! I get it! Stop already! (crosses arms, sinks into his chair) Geez, you could just tell me.

Husband: Way more fun this way.

Phat Loot

(scene opens in the car)

Liam: (in a hoarse voice) The best part about being home with strep is that the new Destiny raid drops today!

Me: (pretending interest) Huh.

Liam: Did you know that if you finish the new raid on the first day, you get a WWE style belt?

Me: Won’t match any of your skins.

Liam: No. Mom. You get a real WWE style belt! Tells everyone that you’re a First Day Finisher! Put it in a glass case!

Me: (mildly amused) Huh.

Liam: Don’t lie, mom. If you could have gotten a WWE belt for larping, you totally would have.

Me: I would have hung it up, but I wouldn’t have bothered putting it in a glass case.

Liam: (warming to the subject) You totally would have gone for it. You and your boys? Rolling in? Going after the boss?

Me: (deeply amused) Honey, I was the boss.