(scene opens in parlor, Carrot opening her suitcase)
Alpha: Glad you’re back home, mom. Did you get my Mother’s Day card.
Me: I did, sweetie, that was very nice.
Beta: I did you bring us anything?
Me: I did!
(pulls bag out of suitcase and hands it over)
(long silence)
Alpha: Are you serious?
Beta: What fresh hell?
Gamma: Mom? I don’t think that’s appropriate.
Delta: I want some!
Me: That’s my boy.
Husband: What are you, twelve?
Me: It made me laugh.
(scene opens in mini van)
Me: Everyone get your belts on. OH! That reminds me, I found a new playlist for the car.
(picks up phone, begins to fiddle)
Beta: (skeptically) Is it kid friendly?
Me: (smug) Yep.
Beta: A kid friendly list that you like? This can’t be good.
(Carrot begins to drive and a cover of Danzig’s “Mother” begins to play)
Beta: (stunned) What the hell is this? Alpha? Are you seeing this? It’s a playlist in Klingon. We’re listening to Klingon pop music!
Alpha: (unconcerned) You think this is the weirdest thing she’s ever done?
Me: (giggling madly)
Beta: (appalled) You know, just because it’s in Klingon doesn’t mean that it’s kid appropriate.
Me: They’re covers of 80s music. Its unlikely there’s any swears in there.
Beta: Klingons don’t swear?
Me: Oh, I’m sure they do. But I don’t know if there’s a Klingon version of “F you, you F’ing F”. I think they’d just insult your honor or say something like “Your starship is a garbage scow.”
Delta: (righteously) That is very rude.
Me: Yes, that is very rude.
(music cues up cover of “We’re Not Going to Take it“)
Beta: (wearily) Turn this off please.
(Carrot laughs maniacally, fade to black, cut to car commercial)
