(scene opens in min-van)
Gamma: Mom? What’s your favorite character in the Shadow and Bone books?
Me: Genya.
Gamma: (slightly disappointed) Oh.
Me: If you could be any Grisha, what type would you want to be?
Gamma: (without hesitation) Heartrender.
Me: (not surprised in the least) Good choice.
Gamma: What would you be?
Me: Tailor.
Gamma: (more disappointed) Oh.
Me: Maybe Inferni. It’s hard to choose.
Carrot’s Inside voice: Don’t lie, you’d be a Durast.
(scene opens in cluttered basement, conversation in progress)
Me: (handing Alpha a towel) Here, use this to clean up that spill.
Husband: (around corner) I see that you’ve fully embraced the RBG Controller lifestyle.
Me: What?
(Husband points to top of cabinet, switch controller charge station holding controllers with morphing rainbow lights along the side)
Alpha: Yeah, my ’tism is in full swing.
Me: You don’t have the ‘Tism, knock it off. But I love those! (said gleefully) Those are pretty!
Husband: (kisses Carrot’s forehead) Of course you do.
Alpha: I mean, sometimes when you’re obliterating heretic scum in the name of the Emperor, you want to feel like a pretty pretty princess.
Me: Right? Totes agree.
Alpha: (deep gravely voice) Brother….. (deep indrawn breath) ….where’s my tiara?
Husband: (sighing) I’m going back to work.
(scene opens in tent in dead of night, distant-but-not-distant enough howling starts up)
Leader 1: That’s legit, right? That’s the real thing we’re hearing?
Me: (thoughtfully) As opposed to the dudebros we heard earlier? Yeah, I think so.
(Yipping and howling continues for a moment before going silent)
Leader 2: I think we’ll be okay. It sounds down in the valley and we’re higher up.
(Silence continues a bit longer. Then screaming carnage breaks out in a completely different spot from the first howling.)
Me: What the f– was that?
Leader 2: I think they caught something.
Leader 1: Are we concerned with our survival?
Me: (considers) Not yet.
Leader 1: Not yet?!
Me: (philosophically) Well, if they caught something, they’re not coming up here looking for something to eat.
Leader 2: And they’re further down in the valley now.
Leader 1: What time is it?
Me: (checks watch) Midnight. We have five-ish hours to sunrise.
Leader 1: This is going to be a long five hours.
Me: There’s a fun-patch for this, right?
(three leaders suppress hysterical late-night stress giggles, fade to black)
(scene opens in primitive campsite, girls everywhere, Carrot sitting next to fire scar)
(Single long whistle blast sounds in distance)
Me: (perks up like deer scenting wolves) Did anyone else hear that?
Girl 1: Sounded like a whistle.
Girl 2: Is that the emergency whistle?
Girl 3: No, that’s three blasts.
Me: Girls. Boot on. Get water bottles. Where’s my tactical vest? (picks up bush vest rattling with gear, puts it on)
Gamma: Mom, why do you call it a tactical vest?
Me: You’ve seen soldiers and cops with those big bulky vests? Had a vest on with all that gear? Its a gear vest. All the gear for any situation. (Takes emergency whistle out of a pocket, puts it on)
Girl 2: But your vest has Deadpool on it.
Girl 5: Why do you have Deadpool on your vest?
Me: Because I think Deadpool is funny. And I like Chimichangas. We ride.
(Carrot marches out of camp followed by five girls armed with water bottles)
(scene opens in early morning tent, three scout leaders contemplating life)
Me: (scratches stomach. Stops. Swears) Goddamnit. Where’s the first aid kit?
Leader 1: In my pack. Why?
Me: Tick.
Leader 1: Already? We’ve not even been here a whole day.
Me: (sighs) Yeah.
(flailing around tent, first aid kid found, tick removed)
Me: Goddamnit.
Leader 2: Now what?
Me: Lone Star Tick.
Leader 1: So?
Me: That’s the one that makes you allergic to red meat. Because F Texas in particular.
Leader 1: What?!
Leader 2: Man, Carrot. Having a rough week there. First rabies shots, then Shingles, and now maybe becoming allergic to red meat.
Me: (resignedly) If I get out of here never able to eat another steak, I might have to quit Girl Scouts. Just saying.
Husbandly Text: Did you guys get there okay?
My Text: Yeah. Girls setting up tents now.
My Text: By the way.
My Text: One match. You tell Scoutmaster “Do you need Girl Scout Water for that fire?” to suck it.
Husbandly text: Nice. Beta says “You used a match?”
My Text: Ms. C texted me earlier to say she’s looking for Teen Boy Lawn Care. Tell Mr. Sassomancer that his free time this weekend is now spoken for.
