Month: July 2023

Rosetta Stone

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(Scene opens in parlor. Carrot is reading a restaurant menu advertisement, Husband and Beta are listening)

Me: Hmm. The “Pistoleer”. Italian beef, au jus, and toasted roll. Wait. How is that different from the “Big Daddy”? Oh, the “Big Daddy” has mozzarella and provolone. That’s what makes it a “Big Daddy” apparently, the cheese.

(Carrot and Husband lock eyes over the menu)

Both: Cheesy Skillet.

Beta: What the F was that?

Me: (carelessly, eyes on menu) Beta, one day you’re going to fall in love and you’ll know it’s the real thing when the two of you end up developing your own secret language. Its why I can never leave your father. No one else speaks my language.

Husband: Or you’ll just have to spend another twenty years learning a new one. (pause) Christine Aguleria.

Me: (begins to laugh)

Husband: (nods and leaves the room)

Beta: (outraged) WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED!?

By Any Name

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in cluttered dinning room, Carrot behind laptop at table)

(Beta enters from kitchen)

Me: (looks up, sees papers in Beta’s hand) Oh, did dad print out the Belegarth waiver for you?

Beta: (pouts) Yeah. He pre-filed a bunch of them so they’re on hand to sign. Look what he did!

Me: (takes papers shoved at her, eyebrows raise) Your fighter name is “Skippypants McDidn’tPickaName”?

Beta: Can you believe him?!

Me: I can. This is what happens when you don’t pick your own name. A name will be given.

(Husband enters from kitchen)

Me: Skippypants McDidn’tPickaName?

Husband: (looking pleased) Yup.

Me: Should have gone with Potato McTater.

Beta: (exasperated) Mom! You’re not helping!

Me: I cannot help. I can only enable.