….and call him George

Beta: Hey mom? What’s Epsilon playing with outside?

Me: (distracted) I don’t know.

(Beta leaves, comes back)

Me: Oh. Epsilon 3, Bun-buns 0

Beta: Except for that one, he’s not hurting them. And that one I think was an accident. He’s just chilling with them. Like he doesn’t know what to do with it when he catches it.

Me: Well, he’s a herd dog. Maybe he’s trying to herd the bun-buns.

Beta: Maybe we should get him a rabbit stuffed animal?

Me: He likes to chew on things, I don’t want associating bun-buns with eviscerating stuffies.

Ouch

(scene opens in mini van, pulling away from kindergarten pick up line)

Delta: Is today Mother’s Day?

Me: No, yesterday was Mother’s Day.

Delta: Mother’s Day is only one day?

Me: Yes. Only one day.

Delta. Only one day a year?

Me: Yes. Mother’s Day is only one day a year.

Delta: So only one day a year you have a life?

Me: (quiet, merges into traffic) Yes. Thanks for pointing that out, Delta.

Delta. (happily) You’re welcome, mommy!

Funny Because True

(scene opens in rainy dining room)

Beta: (shuffles up groggy) Did you get your other cards?

Me: (sips coffee) Yes.

Beta: (hands over pink envelope) I went to the store, looked at cards for ten seconds and decided this was the one.

Me: Oh boy.

Husband: (from kitchen) Thanks for getting me in trouble, Beta!

Me: He’s not wrong!

Odds are Good

(scene opens in shoe warehouse)

Register Lady: (checking pastel and white athletic shoes) I hope these stay nice and white for you.

Me: They’re not for me. They’re her’s. (tilts head in Gamma’s direction)

RL: (confused look) And how old are you, pretty girl?

Gamma: (proudly) Ten.

RL: (shocked) She’s ten years old and wearing a lady’s seven?!

Me: (sighs) Husband is 6’4″. None of them take after me.

RL: (moar shocked) She’s going to be tall.

Me: I’m hoping for Super Model. Help pay for college.

Checking In

(scene opens in basement)

Me: (quietly walking up behind Bigs, checking laptop screens for shenanigans) Are you both in class?

Both: (doesn’t move, wearing headphones) Yeah.

(shot Beta’s screen tiled with screens bearing kids’ names)

Beta: I’m in music class, the teacher is about to start

Me: (to Alpha) What about you?

(Alpha’s screen a single shot of an empty room)

Alpha: I’m watching my favorite YouTube. “Drying Paint”

Me: (doubles up laughing)

Beta: (to Alpha) Wow. You made her laugh.

Alpha: I didn’t just make her laugh. I got the wheeze out of her.

Insight

(scene opens in cluttered basement, Supernatural on the tv)

Me: (walks through carrying coffee mug, stops)

TV: (Sam and Dean pick themselves up post-boss conflict)

Me: Which your favorite character? Sam or Dean?

Beta: (supposedly folding laundry) The car.

Me: (sips coffee approvingly) Good choice.

TV: (Dean puts two rounds into final boss)

Me: My favorite is Dean.

Beta: (heavy) Of course it is.

Me: What’d you say?

Beta: Nothing! Nothing. Nice weather we’re having.

A little proud

(scene opens in evening dinning room)

Me: (weary in front of laptop)

Beta: (walks in with dog) I found something on my walk.

Me: (looks confused) What’s is that?

Beta: (hands it over) There’s a lot of money it it. That’s enough to help me get an Oculus, but that’s stealing. So I though you and dad could get it back to the guy.

Me: (stunned, opens wallet to see cash and cards) Uh, yeah. We can do that. That was good of you, Beta. It’s important to get all the cards and I.D.s back, but sometimes that cash is all someone has to get them through the month. This could be a life saver.

Beta: (shrugs, pleased and embarrassed, leaves stage left)

Code Names

(scene opens in dim kitchen)

Alpha: Who keeps tangling up the leash? (struggles with chain)

Me: I don’t know. (takes mug out of microwave, looks at clock) I guess I’d better go get small boy out of bed. (pauses, shocked look, starts laughing)

Alpha: What are you laughing at?

Me: (points to Alpha) Tall Boy. (points straight above) Chonk Boy. (points to dinning room) Not Boy. (points above the stairs) Small Boy. (points to dog at the door) Fur Boy. (dissolves into hysterical laughter)

Alpha: (with concern) Are you okay, mom?

Me: (wipes tears) No. No I’m not.

Nerd Flex

(scene opens in gloomy dinning room, Disney lightsaber builds playing on laptop)

Laptop: (emits saber noises and delighted coos of fan base)

Beta: (longingly) Wow. That’s amazing. Are you overcome with the magic of it, mom?

Me: Not entirely. I’m Trek not Wars, remember?

Beta: (narrow eyed suspicious look) Does Trek have a theme park?

Me: (regretfully) No, they do not.

Beta: (smugly) Well. Now we know that Wars is superior.

Return Serve

(scene opens in sun drenched kitchen)

Beta: (throws up hands) Welcome to the one year anniversary of the two week lock down!

Me: (checks FitBit) Not yet. You have a couple of days. Unfortunately. (refreshes coffee)

Beta: Why unfortunately?

Me: We’ve been inside so long, I’ve forgotten how to people

Beta: (crouches down to scritch Doggo) Did you ever know how to people?

Me: (uses foot to knock him over) You’re a jerk. (starts to laugh)

Beta: (also laughs) I learned it from my parents!

Me: Not wrong. Still a jerk.

Exhibit A

(scene opens in sunny dinning room)

Me: (tiredly gathering up pandemic homeschool supplies)

Beta: (laying on floor in sunbeam with doggo) Mom? Which do you love more, the kids or the dog.

Me: (sighs) Well, the dog doesn’t argue with me about every. single. thing. I. say. so maybe I love the dog best.

Beta: Except when he’s pulling on the leash or not sitting when you tell him or chewing on things he’s not supposed to…

Me: Hey Beta? You’re kinda proving my point.

Beta: …..damnit.