Husbandly Text: Did you guys get there okay?
My Text: Yeah. Girls setting up tents now.
My Text: By the way.
My Text: One match. You tell Scoutmaster “Do you need Girl Scout Water for that fire?” to suck it.
Husbandly text: Nice. Beta says “You used a match?”
My Text: Ms. C texted me earlier to say she’s looking for Teen Boy Lawn Care. Tell Mr. Sassomancer that his free time this weekend is now spoken for.
(scene opens in long open cabin room, tween pre-bed chaos in full swing)
Me: (paces to center of the room, orates loudly) Okay campers! I did not get any sleep last night and I am highly resentful of that fact! Tonight, at lights out, we will not have yelling! We will not have running around and shaking the entire cabin! There will be no crying, no fighting, and there will be quiet! Am I understood?
Tween Greek Chorus: (muttered sporadic responses)
Me: I can’t hear you! Am I understood?
Tween Greek Chorus: (different muttered sporadic responses)
Me: The only acceptable answer is “Sir! Yes sir!”! Am I understood?
Tween Greek Chorus: (loudly) SIR! YES SIR!
Me: (satisfied) That’s what I like to hear.
(scene opens in dinning room, Beta shuffles in)
Me: (looks up from laptop) Good morning! Glad to be back home?
Beta: (groggy) Yes.
Me: Tell me what else you did at Sea Base? I want all the stories.
Beta: Well, we were on that primitive island and you get a chuck box. There’s the ‘Chuck Box Challenge’.
Me: Oh dear. I know where this is going.
Beta: (warming to tale) So, the challenge is that you have to eat everything you packed in. We didn’t have much time left so I look in the box and pull out the maple syrup and chug it.
Me: (starts laughing) Ohmigod. Go tell your father.
Beta: Why?
Me: I think he might be proud of you.
(time passes, cut scene to later, Husband walks into dinning room)
Me: Did Beta tell you about the food challenge?
Husband: Yes. I told him he should have put the maple syrup on something. Like an apple.
Me: Oh yeah? What’d he say?
Husband: Said that’s what Alpha did.
Me: (proud) I love our knuckleheads.
(scene opens in post holiday dining room)
(Husband and Carrot existing)
Gamma: (hotly) You know what mom? I want cranberry sauce. And I want it now!
Me: (sigh) Sure. Go ahead. Why are you so angry?
Gamma: (savagely) Because I like it!
Husband: (faint laughter) God help her first boyfriend.
Me: (resigned) It’ll probably be for the best.
(scene opens in bathroom, Carrot helping Delta wash hands)
Me: So, how was your first day of kindergarten? Did you have a good time?
Delta: (ambivalent) Yeah.
Me: Do you like your teacher?
Delta: Yeah. She’s already making my life hard.
Me: That’s nice. Only thirteen more years to go.
(scene opens in wooded clearing, small cabins in semi circle)
Me: (hugging daughter, taking photos)
Gamma: (brightly) Okay! Bye mom! See you in a week!
(Husband and Carrot wave excitedly, turn to leave)
GS Counselor: (perplexed) You’re leaving already?
Husband: We’ve been dismissed.
GS Counselor: ….Oh. (proceeds to chat with Gamma as parents move away)
Alpha: (falls in with Delta on his shoulders) That went a lot easier than I expected. I was expecting tears or something.
Husband: I don’t know why you’d think that.
Me: This is her second year of resident camp and she’s only going into third grade. You and your brother didn’t go to resident camp without a parent until going into sixth.
Husband: She’s the bravest kid we’ve got.
Alpha: (makes sound of one pwned)
(scene opens in rarely clean kitchen)
Me: (sipping coffee) I’ve noticed you’ve been eating in the cafeteria more.
Beta: (proudly) Yes. You’ve been wanting me to try new things. Aren’t you happy?
Me: (pointedly sipping again) I’ve noticed that your willingness to try new foods coincides neatly with you being responsible for making your own lunches.
Beta: (defensively) I’m trying new foods!
Me: I’m happy you’re trying new foods. I’m a little put out this adventure is rooted entirely in laziness.
(scene opens with two women looking over the map, making travel plans)
Her: This route will take us past the Cadillac Ranch. A few minutes out of our way, but good for a photo op.
Me: Does the brothel have a buffet? Is it even safe to eat at a brothel buffet? I don’t know the protocol on that.
Her: (stares incredulously)
Me: Am I thinking something else?
Her: (continues to stare)
Me: OH! Mustang Ranch! I totally confused my art installation with my famous brothel. Gotcha.
(Scene opens with boys watching disabled child carried onto Great America ride)
Alpha: That’s so sad, he can’t walk or even move his head.
Me: Yes, but look, his big brother is holding him up so he can have fun too. It’s why I’m so lucky that you guys can walk and talk. And mostly well behaved.
Alpha: (mean mug)
Other Mom In Line (starts laughing) Sometimes you can’t have too many expectations.
Me: (nods sagely) Sometimes you have to set that bar on “average”.
(collective children mean mug)
