Tag: art

Classic Fit

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in clean dinning room)

Beta: (runs in) Mom! Look!

Me: (looks up from laptop)

(Beta proudly wearing a Chicago Cop leather jacket)

Me: Oh my god. It fits you.

Beta: I know! Dad didn’t think it was going to fit!

Me: You should wear that to school.

Beta: Why?

Me: Because it’s cool and deserves to be worn. Your Aunt K painted the back of that jacket.

Beta: She did?

Me: Yeah. Your dad asked how much she charged and she said $100. $150 if she didn’t like someone. So your dad paid her $200.

Beta: That’s awesome. But why?

Me: Just in case.

I’ll show you.

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in gloomy dinning room, Carrot at computer)

Gamma: (calls off stage) Mom! Can I come downstairs! I’m bored!

Me: (calls back) Nope. You can keep your Covid self in your room. Its what isolation means. Isolate.

Gamma: But I’m bored!

Me: You spent all of Spring Break locked in your room, why do you want out now?

Gamma: Dad took the tablet!

Me: (unsympathetic) Maybe that was because you won’t stay off the YouTube. Sorry about your luck. Do some art. Play with the felting kit I got you.

(time passes)

(Gamma enters the dinning room, masked)

Me: What are you doing out of your room?

Gamma: (muffled) Here. Can I have the tablet now?

Me: (somewhat impressed) Go ask dad. I don’t know where it is.

Gamma: MOM!

(cue laugh track, fade to black)

That’s our cue.

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in cluttered dinning room, children waiting for pie)

Me: (looks up from lap top, calls out) King Charles just knighted Brian May.

Husband: (comes into dinning room with pie)

Beta: Who’s Brian May and why is he important enough to be knighted?

Me: (looks to husband) Want to tell him why Brian May is important?

Husband: Oh. He’s a champion.

Beta: (stares in WTF)

Husband: (prepares the set up) As a young man…

Me: (not seeing where it was going) He killed a man.

Husband: (changes track) Put a gun up to his head.

Me: He pulled the trigger.

Husband: Now he’s….

Beta: (interrupting) Okay! I get it! I get it! Stop already! (crosses arms, sinks into his chair) Geez, you could just tell me.

Husband: Way more fun this way.

The delicate art of murder.

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in kitchen, Carrot cooking)

Gamma: (pounding in) Mom, I broke my needle.

Me: (pauses, thinks) The one I got you today?

Gamma: (sheepish grin) Yeah. It was an accident.

Me: What were you stabbing?!

Gamma: The wool. (holds up cute needle felted doll)

Me: Wool roving isn’t that dense… (trails off, sighs, kisses Gamma’s forehead) You did a really good job on your first try. I’ll get you some replacement needles.

Gamma: Its okay that I broke it?

Me: They do break now and then, but they’re pretty sturdy so I thought you’d get more than a couple hours out of it. I’ll order some tonight.

Gamma: Thanks mamma! (runs off)

She’s got the look

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(rapid fire montage of Gamma coming down stairs in ratty and/or dirty pants)

Me: Go upstairs and put on some nicer pants.

Gamma: (dramatically) These are the nicest ones I have!

(repeat for at least fifteen different scenes, various times of day and seasons)

(scene opens in sawdusty garage, half painted bench resting on paper)

Me: (in clothes obviously meant for sloppy work, touching up hard to reach spots)

Gamma: (just off screen) Oops. I got paint on my pants.

(Carrot looks over, camera turns)

Gamma: (standing in pristine white shirt, brand new unblemished jeans now bearing a dark maroon lean spot on the thigh)

Me: (irrationally calm) Gamma? I’ve never seen those pants before. Are they new?

Gamma: (brightly) Amazing what you can find in the bottom of a very deep and dark drawer.

(Carrot begins to tremble, screen fades to black)

Experience Counts

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in cluttered kitchen)

Carrot: (cooking dumplings)

Husband: (hovering)

Gamma: (runs in, lips blue and glittery, holds up eyeshadow pallet) Mom! When can I use the eyeshadow?!

Carrot: (distracted) I forgot to order brushes. I’ll pick some up tomorrow and you can play around with it.

Husband: She can use sponges for that, right? (Goes to mudroom cabinet)

Carrot: What? Wait! No! She can’t use those!

Husband: Why not? I used them to put on make up.

Carrot: Clown make-up!

Husband: I fail to see the difference.

Carrot: Point. But no. Could everyone just believe the one person in this room that actually has worn make-up? I’ll get the right brushes tomorrow.

Husband: I’ve worn make up. I’m also the person who has worn make-up most recently.

Carrot: CLOWN MAKE-UP!

Husband: Again, I fail to see the difference.

Ars Gratia Artis

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in dining room)

Me: (slowly and carefully assembling flower pieces)

Beta: (enters from kitchen) Those are really pretty mom. Can I pick one up?

Me: (abstractly) Sure. Be careful.

Beta: Now what are you going to do with them?

Me: (sighs) I don’t know.

Beta: Something else to lay around the house and gather dust?

Me: (reprovingly) Maybe. Not all art is profitable. Sometimes we do it anyway. Because we can. It makes the world a prettier place.

Too Much Creativity

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in tossed parlor)

Gamma: (fresh from school) Mom! I have to make a machine for school tomorrow!
Me: Wha..? Why?
Gamma: I…(self aware pause) I didn’t finish it in class. Maybe draw it?
Me: Do you have to make or draw?
Gamma: (mental processing) …both? I need a machine that makes my life easier with snacks.
Me: (can’t even) With what? Snacks?
Gamma: Whatever we have in the house. Its a machine about snacks.

(scene cuts to cluttered dinning room)

Me: There. You have styrofoam cups, bendy straws, tape, scissors, and this aluminum tray you brought home from school. Have at.
Gamma: Whee!(proceeds to cut everything into confetti)
Me: Uh, what are you making?
Gamma: I’m just cutting.
Me: What about your snack machine?!?
Gamma: (surveys carnage) Oh. I forgot.

Not a Rickroll

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens at dinner table)

Beta: My music teacher told me that I needed to watch 4:33.
Me: (processing) What?
Beta: 4:33. Both he and the orchestra teacher were laughing about it. It’s a music video.
Me: Oh! Yes. (starts laughing) Of course we can watch it. (calls up the orchestral version of John Cage’s 4’33)

(minute goes by)

Gamma: When are they going to start playing?
Beta: For real. They’re just sitting there.

(second minute goes by)

Beta: I don’t get it. Why is this funny?
Gamma: They’re not playing.

(third minute goes by)

Gamma: This is boring! Where’s the music?!
Beta: (extreme suffering) I don’t get it! Tell me why this is so funny!
Me: (calls up the sheet music for 4’33)
Beta: (incredulous) Rests. The whole thing is rests. Why the hell would anyone write a piece of just rests!? And why wouldn’t anyone think that’s funny?
Me: (starts giggling)

As you do

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens with two women looking over the map, making travel plans)

Her: This route will take us past the Cadillac Ranch. A few minutes out of our way, but good for a photo op.
Me: Does the brothel have a buffet? Is it even safe to eat at a brothel buffet? I don’t know the protocol on that.
Her: (stares incredulously)
Me: Am I thinking something else?
Her: (continues to stare)
Me: OH! Mustang Ranch! I totally confused my art installation with my famous brothel. Gotcha.