(scene opens in dining room)
Beta: You know that show? That Alpha and I watch? That has those kids? Who are on a spaceship? And they…
Me: Oh my god, Beta! Statements, not questions. Talk in full sentences or don’t talk at all!
Beta: I guess I won’t talk. (goes to settee and starts to read)
Me: (has first quiet cup of coffee all day wondering if it was just that easy)
(scene opens in much more tidy dining room)
Beta: Why aren’t we opening presents!?
Me: Your father is still sleeping.
Beta: But it’s Christmas!
Me: That’s what he wanted for Christmas, to sleep in.
Beta: We’re dying!
Me: Wait until the cinnamon rolls come out and then you can go jump on him.
(scene opens in dark cluttered dining room)
Beta: (long detailed, meandering, never ending talk about his friends getting hoverboards for Christmas and his overly-detailed plans for making a hover chair)
Me: You should go to engineering school and build one.
Beta: By the time I get to college, they’ll have invented one already.
Me: But you could make it better. The future is built with engineers. Who knows, you could invent the anti-gravs to make them float.
Beta: (frowns, hesitates) Uh…don’t they already float?
Me: No. Current hoverboards are just motorized two wheeled skateboards.
Beta: (much denial and a trip to Google to prove it) That’s so stupid! What’s the point of a hoverboard that doesn’t hover?!?
Me: Finish your breakfast, learn science, go to engineering school.
(scene opens at messy breakfast table, kids arguing)
Me: (coming to foggy awareness) What are you fighting about now?
Gamma: (mangles some words)
Beta: (talking over her) She took the crayon box upstairs to her room! Now how am I going to be able to my homework when all the pencils are in her room?
Me: (stroking out) Oh my god, Beta! How ever will we manage! There is no way any human could possibly ever climb all those stairs to the second floor for a pencil! No one could ever survive the arduous trek up a flight of stairs for a pencil! No way could you ever manage to bring one home from school! You’re going to fail school and forget how to write your name! We’re all going to die!
Beta: (furious, pounds up stairs, retrieves crayon box, grabs backpack and leaves for school)
Dela: (WTF look, staring after them)
Me: This is why mommy drinks.
(Scene opens with mother washing her hands in the bathroom. Yelling occurs)
Me: (runs out thinking she’s about to witness sibling death) What’s going on?!
Alpha: There’s a live bug in my cereal!
Me: (looks, pulls limp moth out of the milk) Not any more.
Alpha: (pause, then sourly) I’m going back to bed.
(Alpha exits stage right, cereal gets dumped)