Inescapable fate

(Scene opens in Christmas parlor, tree being set up)

Me: (bringing in boxes) Okay kids, none of you remember a tree with ornaments on them because when the boys were babies, we had a little tree and everything was in storage. When we moved out of the city, the first big tree we had, Alpha broke a bunch of my ornaments. I decided that we wouldn’t have any ornaments until you guys could handle Christmas responsibly. So this year (Carrot pulls out a German blown glass ornament) I’ve decided we’re going to try these.

Beta: Oh, those are pretty. When did we get those.

Me: I’ve been buying one for each of you since you were born. They’ve been boxed for the last nineteen years.

Delta: Which one are mine?! (begins to hop up and down)

Me: You don’t have very many, you’re only eight. And this one, (Carrot pulls out crowned peacock with long feathered tail) is the very first ornament I bought for Alpha’s first Christmas. It’s got a clip on it, so you can clip it right to the branch.

(Alpha takes it gingerly)

Me: Okay, we need to put hooks on the rest of them because they’ve never been hung up –

Alpha: Oh shit.

(room freezes, turns to look at Alpha with the clip in pieces in his hands)

Me: Are you $#%*@$ kidding me.

Alpha: (hands it back to Carrot) I’m going to play video games. (exit stage left)

(room awkwardly stares at a despondent Carrot)

Beta: (helpfully) How about we concentrate on the ones that need hooks?

(Rest of scene has Beta and Delta hanging ornaments and candy canes)

Either/Or

(scene opens outside a strip mall DMV)

Me: (waiting out on the side walk)

Alpha: (walks up sheepishly)

Me: Well?

Alpha: I failed. I have to retake it.

Me: (takes a moment to consider body language) You’re lying to me.

Alpha: (smile brightens) Yes. I got it. I passed.

Me: (reaches into purse, pulls out bag of sour gummi Troll worms) Here. Congrats.

Alpha: (looks at bag) If I had failed, would you not have given it to me?

Me: You’d still get it. Then it’d be consolation candy. Like Break Up Ice Cream. Did you want to drive home?

Alpha: God no. I have candy to eat.

The kid gets it.

(scene opens in dim dining room, pandemic homeschool in session)

Delta: (climbing into his chair) Mommy, I was made for two things.

Me: (clutching coffee mug) Oh yeah?

Delta: Yeah. Eating chocolate and playing games!

Me: Those are good things.

Delta: And loving you! (big cheese five year old grin)

Me: (sound of heart melting) That’s three things.

Delta: Yeah. I made a mistake.

Called Out

(scene opens in moderately clean dining room)

Me: (at laptop trying to enjoy morning coffee)

Gamma: (runs in, shaking noisemaker) Mom! Mom! I put candy in this plastic heart!

Me: I can hear it. Good job.

Gamma: (shoves it in her face) For you!

Me: (anticipating gross candy) No thank you.

Gamma: But its your heart! Its full of Nerds!

Me: (blinks) You’re right. It is. (accepts)

Gamma: (runs off screen yelling) Mommy’s heart is full of Nerds!

No Gratitude

(scene opens with mom coming from grocery shopping)

Me: (humming, puts away groceries, pulls out bag of hazelnut M&Ms, divides equally in four bowls, hands them out)

Alpha: (doesn’t notice bowl balanced on his belly, too busy raiding)

Beta: (takes it with extreme dramatic suffering, cheek stuffed with gauze)

Delta: M&Ms!? I LOVE M&Ms!

Gamma: (hands bowl back) Mom, I only like Skittles.

Me: (sighs) Eat your M&Ms, sweetie. They’re good for you.

We Ride

(scene opens in pristine and artistically eclectic dinning room. Table set with fine china.)

Me: Hey K, that blue lamp you have by the t.v. I love it. I want some of those mosaic glass lamps so bad.
Sister: I know, aren’t they fabulous?
Brother: (laughs) But you cannot have nice things.
Me: (wistfully) No, I cannot have nice things. I have a khalasar instead.

(four children and two dogs run through the room, yelling about chocolate)

Sister: Time to eat?

Shameless promotions: Mint Edition

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Beta accused me of being “overly jolly” the other day. In the doom and gloom of a withering 2017, with no hope that 2018 is going to be much of an improvement, and terrified for the future of my spawnlings, I spent a little more on Christmas than was probably necessary. I’m especially susceptible to magical holiday eats, the more festive the better.

A bit of backstory on this impulse buy: I had caught Alpha spiking his hot chocolate with peppermint extract and only just stopped him before he poisoned himself. While it smelled lovely, I’m sure that the digestive horror caused by a tablespoon of extract doesn’t bear thinking about. A week later, during a Thanksgiving baking extravaganza, I discovered I had no vanilla extract. Why you ask? Because Alpha had drunk it in his hot cocoa. How my children stay alive is a mystery. Please don’t report me.

I was forced to explain the existence of flavored syrups for just such a thing, Torani’s for example, but had not yet brought any home despite continued begging. So just regular, boring, plain old cocoa – until I found Bobs Sweet Stripes, peppermint flavored stir sticks! I know, stir sticks. What sort of ridiculous extravagant thing is this? Just stick a candy cane in the cocoa! But no – these are so much better.

First, they come in a variety of flavors. I brought home to my precious darlings the standard peppermint and a chocolate mint as my budget allowed for only so much whimsy. I had seen a cinnamon on the shelf as well, but hadn’t brought it home for fear of its being too cinnamon-y in the aggressive God Hates You kind of way that cinnamon candy tends to be, thus no one in the house would eat it. Contrarian Beta, however, objected to this executive decision, declaring that he hates mint in all its forms and prefers cinnamon.

Long story short on that is that I brought him around on the chocolate mint sticks and converted him. Both minty flavors are gentle and subtle, not at all overpowering, with the chocolate mint being less of the pepper variety, giving way to a stronger chocolate. Who doesn’t like more chocolate flavor in their hot chocolate!?!

The major difference between these stir sticks and just sticking a candy cane into your drink is that they’re soft. The kind of soft of those weird old butter mints that always seemed to be at weddings when you were a kid. Or in that crystal candy dish on grandma’s coffee table. I’m a sucker for weird old lady melt-in-your-mouth candy and this fits the bill. It doesn’t dissolve instantly, but will erode quick enough that if you linger on your drink it will have have disappeared, flavoring your hot cocoa.

I give this a Carrot’s “Its taking a lot of self control just to eat them straight up” and recommend it to you – and your obnoxious smalls – this holiday season.

Honesty counts

(scene opens in dim basement, children eating candy before the tv)

Husband: What are you eating?
Alpha: (mumbling) Nothing.
Husband: (sees open bag on the bar) Did you guys get into mom’s stash of Skittles?!
Alpha: It’s Beta’s fault. But he only took a handful and his hands are small.
Beta: (holds up hands, wiggles fingers) It’s true. See?
Gamma: Mine are smaller.
Beta: Shhh.

Easter Loot

(scene opens in gloomy dining room, dusted with Easter grass)

Beta: Where are all the eggs?
Me: I don’t know. You’ll have to look.
Beta: (looks out window, sees 100 plastic eggs on the yard) Oh my god.
Alpha: (turns to look) Dear lord.
Me: (sips coffee, smug)
Beta: How did our eggs get outside?!
Me: I don’t know.
Alpha: That’s never happened before. Why didn’t the Easter Bunny come inside?
Me: Dunno. Maybe the door was locked and he couldn’t get in.
Beta: Then where are our eggs if he couldn’t get the house?
Alpha: And where did he get all those eggs if he couldn’t get ours?
Me: He’s the Easter Bunny. He’s magic. Maybe he pooped them out.
Alpha: Well, I’m not touching them.

Spoils of war

 

(scene opens in chaotic dining room)
Alpha: Mom! Delta ate all my candy!
Me: No, your candy is upstairs in your room. Delta already ate all his candy.
Alpha: No! I didn’t take it up to my room!
Me: I told you to take it to your room this morning. Your loss then.
Alpha: (takes candy from Delta, eats the rest of it)
Gamma: (enters room) My candy! It’s gone!
Me: Isn’t it up in your room?
Gamma: I just brought it downstairs!
Me: (mean mugs a sheepish Alpha) Alpha. Go to your room and get your candy.
Alpha: (leaves, returns) I gave Gamma the rest of my candy.
Me: Thank you. Could we stop with the “there is no way mom can be right about anything?” because I’m starting to lose track of how often you find yourself painfully corrected.