Honesty counts

(scene opens in dim basement, children eating candy before the tv)

Husband: What are you eating?
Alpha: (mumbling) Nothing.
Husband: (sees open bag on the bar) Did you guys get into mom’s stash of Skittles?!
Alpha: It’s Beta’s fault. But he only took a handful and his hands are small.
Beta: (holds up hands, wiggles fingers) It’s true. See?
Gamma: Mine are smaller.
Beta: Shhh.


Easter Loot

(scene opens in gloomy dining room, dusted with Easter grass)

Beta: Where are all the eggs?
Me: I don’t know. You’ll have to look.
Beta: (looks out window, sees 100 plastic eggs on the yard) Oh my god.
Alpha: (turns to look) Dear lord.
Me: (sips coffee, smug)
Beta: How did our eggs get outside?!
Me: I don’t know.
Alpha: That’s never happened before. Why didn’t the Easter Bunny come inside?
Me: Dunno. Maybe the door was locked and he couldn’t get in.
Beta: Then where are our eggs if he couldn’t get the house?
Alpha: And where did he get all those eggs if he couldn’t get ours?
Me: He’s the Easter Bunny. He’s magic. Maybe he pooped them out.
Alpha: Well, I’m not touching them.

Spoils of war


(scene opens in chaotic dining room)
Alpha: Mom! Delta ate all my candy!
Me: No, your candy is upstairs in your room. Delta already ate all his candy.
Alpha: No! I didn’t take it up to my room!
Me: I told you to take it to your room this morning. Your loss then.
Alpha: (takes candy from Delta, eats the rest of it)
Gamma: (enters room) My candy! It’s gone!
Me: Isn’t it up in your room?
Gamma: I just brought it downstairs!
Me: (mean mugs a sheepish Alpha) Alpha. Go to your room and get your candy.
Alpha: (leaves, returns) I gave Gamma the rest of my candy.
Me: Thank you. Could we stop with the “there is no way mom can be right about anything?” because I’m starting to lose track of how often you find yourself painfully corrected.