Classic Fit

(scene opens in clean dinning room)

Beta: (runs in) Mom! Look!

Me: (looks up from laptop)

(Beta proudly wearing a Chicago Cop leather jacket)

Me: Oh my god. It fits you.

Beta: I know! Dad didn’t think it was going to fit!

Me: You should wear that to school.

Beta: Why?

Me: Because it’s cool and deserves to be worn. Your Aunt K painted the back of that jacket.

Beta: She did?

Me: Yeah. Your dad asked how much she charged and she said $100. $150 if she didn’t like someone. So your dad paid her $200.

Beta: That’s awesome. But why?

Me: Just in case.

You Don’t Say

(scene opens in cluttered kitchen)

Me: (taking her daily Flintstone vitamin, holds out handful for Husband)

Husband: I’ve always been a Wilma kind of guy (picks one up)

Me: That’s Betty. (points) This is Wilma.

Husband: (picks it up, squints) How can you tell?

Me: I have better eye sight than you.

Husband: Oh. I thought you were going to say that one has better legs.

Scale Appropriately

(scene starts in bedroom, Carrot knee deep in girl toys)

Me: (sorting, cleaning, organized)

(off screen the shouts and yells of boys)

Me: (sighs, extracts self, goes downstairs)

(scene begins in kitchen, moderately clean)

Delta: (wailing in toddler)

Alpha: (throwing up hands) That’s it! I’m done! I’m done! No more!

Beta: (sees disapproving Carrot in the doorway) Delta gets upset because the show ends and he wants another one.

Alpha: (outraged) And he doesn’t tell me what he wants, he just cries for what he wants! We already showed him out to use the remote!

Me: (sighs, rubs forehead) He’s four, guys. He needs help using the remote for a smart TV. That’s a little above his pay grade.

Beta: (indignant) He can do lots of things above his pay grade. He should be able to use a smart remote!

Me: (with salt) Almost like how, as teenagers, you should be able to brush your teeth twice a day without me yelling at you, yet for some reason that seems to be way beyond your pay grade.

(camera cuts to three way stare down)

Alpha: (sighs, takes Delta’s hand, head to tv room) I’ll fix it for you, Delta.

Me: (silent and strategic retreat)