(scene opens in harried morning parlor)
Delta: (picks up sticky gummy hand, swings it around) Look mom! I’m armed! Armed and dangerous!
Me: Ha ha. You’re funny. Go get your shoes on.
Delta: I am funny. That was the only reason I was born, was to be funny. I’m humor personified.
Me: That’s a good reason to be born. Go get your shoes on.
(scene opens in cluttered dinning room, children waiting for pie)
Me: (looks up from lap top, calls out) King Charles just knighted Brian May.
Husband: (comes into dinning room with pie)
Beta: Who’s Brian May and why is he important enough to be knighted?
Me: (looks to husband) Want to tell him why Brian May is important?
Husband: Oh. He’s a champion.
Beta: (stares in WTF)
Husband: (prepares the set up) As a young man…
Me: (not seeing where it was going) He killed a man.
Husband: (changes track) Put a gun up to his head.
Me: He pulled the trigger.
Husband: Now he’s….
Beta: (interrupting) Okay! I get it! I get it! Stop already! (crosses arms, sinks into his chair) Geez, you could just tell me.
Husband: Way more fun this way.
(scene opens in dining room)
Beta: (tying shoes) I need to be dropped off at 6:30 and then picked up after the game.
Me: Okay, we can do that, but what time?
Beta: When the game is done.
Me: Yes. But what time does the game end?
Beta: I don’t know, how long does a basketball game go?
Husband: (holds two hands wide apart) From end to end.
(room pauses)
Me: (puts head down on table and laughs until she cries)
Beta: (scowls)
Husband: (quite pleased with himself)
Beta: Mom. Not that funny.
Me: (wheezes) Honey, the jokes with accidental set up are the best jokes.
Husband: Got another one for you. How do you tell the sex of an ant?
(silence)
Husband: You put –
Beta: Wait. Let me figure it out.
(more silence)
(Gamma enters the room from the parlor)
Husband: (gleefully) Gamma! How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Gamma: (measures the room and with resigned hopelessness) No. Just no. (leaves)
Carrot: (begins to laugh again, wiping tears)
(scene opens in cluttered dining room Beta sitting next to Carrot at the table)
Me: The reason you’re failing is that you’re not turning in your work. That’s it. You’re passing all your tests. Just turn in the goddamn work.
(Husband approaches the table)
Husband: (in calm receptionist voice) Thank you for calling Parent Phone. Press 1 if you want to be yelled at by Dad. Press 2 if you want to be yelled at by mom. Press 3 if you want a vague sense of parental disappointment.
(pause)
Beta: What does four….
Husband: (yelling) I TOLD YOU IF YOU WANTED TO BE YELLED AT BY DAD YOU PRESS 1! DO YOU EVEN LISTEN?
Carrot: (puts head down and laughs)
Beta: What’s wrong with you?
Carrot: (crying) I’m blogging that and you can’t stop me.
(scene opens in mini-van)
Beta: I think Dad jokes aren’t funny. I bet mom jokes are funny. Mom, tell us a joke.
Me: (wearily) I’m well rested.
Husband: (uproariously laughter behind the wheel)
Me: (takes cue) My children are well behaved.
Husband: (increased laughing) Oh my god! That’s hilarious! I’m laughing so hard I’m crying!
Me: I never have to yell at them to do homework.
Husband: (booming fake stage laughter) It’s too much! Stop! I’m going to have to pull over if you keep going!
Me: My house is clean.
Husband: (pulls over to side of the road, puts head down on steering wheel, hysterical fake laughter)
(cut scene to four kids and a dog staring flatly at the front seat)
Beta: I’m sorry I said anything.
Husband: (to Carrot) Dear, that was wonderful. You should do stand-up.
(scene opens in dim kitchen)
Gamma: Look at that chonky squirrel! I want a squirrel as a pet!
Husband: (looks out window) Eh, you can’t really have a squirrel for a pet. They’re not domesticated animals.
Gamma: Can I domesticate it?
Husband: You could tame one, but that’s different than domesticating.
Me: (looks up from making coffee) I don’t know how many generations it takes to domesticate something. Gamma, what you really want is to make some Crow Friends.
Gamma: How do you do that?
Me: Well, you need to feed them, but there are so many squirrels here, you’d need to call them to the yard first and then feed them.
Gamma: (skeptical) How do we do that?
Me: You can get a Crow Call on the internet.
Gamma: (skepticism deepens) A Crow Call?
Husband: Yeah! A Crow Call. Watch. (cups hands, leans towards window) HEY CROW! COME HERE CROW!
Gamma: (stares)
Me: (closes eyes) Seriously.
Husband: (laughs himself silly) I’m helpy!
