Tag: dad joke

That’s our cue.

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in cluttered dinning room, children waiting for pie)

Me: (looks up from lap top, calls out) King Charles just knighted Brian May.

Husband: (comes into dinning room with pie)

Beta: Who’s Brian May and why is he important enough to be knighted?

Me: (looks to husband) Want to tell him why Brian May is important?

Husband: Oh. He’s a champion.

Beta: (stares in WTF)

Husband: (prepares the set up) As a young man…

Me: (not seeing where it was going) He killed a man.

Husband: (changes track) Put a gun up to his head.

Me: He pulled the trigger.

Husband: Now he’s….

Beta: (interrupting) Okay! I get it! I get it! Stop already! (crosses arms, sinks into his chair) Geez, you could just tell me.

Husband: Way more fun this way.

The Dad Joke

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in dining room)

Beta: (tying shoes) I need to be dropped off at 6:30 and then picked up after the game.

Me: Okay, we can do that, but what time?

Beta: When the game is done.

Me: Yes. But what time does the game end?

Beta: I don’t know, how long does a basketball game go?

Husband: (holds two hands wide apart) From end to end.

(room pauses)

Me: (puts head down on table and laughs until she cries)

Beta: (scowls)

Husband: (quite pleased with himself)

Beta: Mom. Not that funny.

Me: (wheezes) Honey, the jokes with accidental set up are the best jokes.

Husband: Got another one for you. How do you tell the sex of an ant?

(silence)

Husband: You put –

Beta: Wait. Let me figure it out.

(more silence)

(Gamma enters the room from the parlor)

Husband: (gleefully) Gamma! How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Gamma: (measures the room and with resigned hopelessness) No. Just no. (leaves)

Carrot: (begins to laugh again, wiping tears)

Please hold, your call is important to us.

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in cluttered dining room Beta sitting next to Carrot at the table)

Me: The reason you’re failing is that you’re not turning in your work. That’s it. You’re passing all your tests. Just turn in the goddamn work.

(Husband approaches the table)

Husband: (in calm receptionist voice) Thank you for calling Parent Phone. Press 1 if you want to be yelled at by Dad. Press 2 if you want to be yelled at by mom. Press 3 if you want a vague sense of parental disappointment.

(pause)

Beta: What does four….

Husband: (yelling) I TOLD YOU IF YOU WANTED TO BE YELLED AT BY DAD YOU PRESS 1! DO YOU EVEN LISTEN?

Carrot: (puts head down and laughs)

Beta: What’s wrong with you?

Carrot: (crying) I’m blogging that and you can’t stop me.

Well, you asked.

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in mini-van)

Beta: I think Dad jokes aren’t funny. I bet mom jokes are funny. Mom, tell us a joke.

Me: (wearily) I’m well rested.

Husband: (uproariously laughter behind the wheel)

Me: (takes cue) My children are well behaved.

Husband: (increased laughing) Oh my god! That’s hilarious! I’m laughing so hard I’m crying!

Me: I never have to yell at them to do homework.

Husband: (booming fake stage laughter) It’s too much! Stop! I’m going to have to pull over if you keep going!

Me: My house is clean.

Husband: (pulls over to side of the road, puts head down on steering wheel, hysterical fake laughter)

(cut scene to four kids and a dog staring flatly at the front seat)

Beta: I’m sorry I said anything.

Husband: (to Carrot) Dear, that was wonderful. You should do stand-up.

Here’s the wind up…

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in dim kitchen)

Gamma: Look at that chonky squirrel! I want a squirrel as a pet!

Husband: (looks out window) Eh, you can’t really have a squirrel for a pet. They’re not domesticated animals.

Gamma: Can I domesticate it?

Husband: You could tame one, but that’s different than domesticating.

Me: (looks up from making coffee) I don’t know how many generations it takes to domesticate something. Gamma, what you really want is to make some Crow Friends.

Gamma: How do you do that?

Me: Well, you need to feed them, but there are so many squirrels here, you’d need to call them to the yard first and then feed them.

Gamma: (skeptical) How do we do that?

Me: You can get a Crow Call on the internet.

Gamma: (skepticism deepens) A Crow Call?

Husband: Yeah! A Crow Call. Watch. (cups hands, leans towards window) HEY CROW! COME HERE CROW!

Gamma: (stares)

Me: (closes eyes) Seriously.

Husband: (laughs himself silly) I’m helpy!