Not Winning

(scene opens at cluttered dining room table)

Me: (cheerful) Something new for dinner tonight!
Beta: (preens)
Me: Mr. Picky Eater wanted to try something new for pasta night, so we’re having ALFREDO! (puts down bowls of noodles and sauce)
Beta: (shovels it in)
Alpha: (takes one bite gags, puts hands over mouth) Sorry.
Gamma: (watches brother, slowly puts down fork) I’m not hungry.
Delta: (taking cues from the herd) Not hungry, mama.
Me: …you’re serious? It’s just fancy mac’n’cheese!
Gamma: (slinks away from table) I’m going to get ready for Scouts.
Delta: I go too! (takes off)
Alpha: (still at table with hands over mouth) I’m sorry but…just…no.
Beta: (finishes his bowl, grabs Gamma’s, keeps eating)
Me: (stunned) I cannot believe this.
Beta: (mouth full) Right? It’s even better with chicken.

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We Ride

(scene opens in pristine and artistically eclectic dinning room. Table set with fine china.)

Me: Hey K, that blue lamp you have by the t.v. I love it. I want some of those mosaic glass lamps so bad.
Sister: I know, aren’t they fabulous?
Brother: (laughs) But you cannot have nice things.
Me: (wistfully) No, I cannot have nice things. I have a khalasar instead.

(four children and two dogs run through the room, yelling about chocolate)

Sister: Time to eat?

No Justice

Me: (enters, drops backpack and duffle bag)
Husband: (gives welcome home kiss) Did you have fun?
Me: Yes. I’m also starved. What was for dinner? (opens fridge, hunting left overs)
Husband: Bacon and eggs.
Me: (disappointed) Oh. (continues to look for something else)
Husband: I had gotten them for breakfast but we ended up having them for dinner because the kids let me sleep in.
Me: (snaps up straight, repeats as if tasting unfamiliar words) They….they let you….sleep in?
Husband: (working hard for straight face) I asked them why they did that. They said that I looked tired.
Me: (lets ‘fridge door drift close, repeats slowly as if to understand alien concept) They let you sleep in (pause, as if thinking) because you looked (significant pause) tired?
Husband: (gives in to helpless laughter) I told them you were going to be pissed.
Me: Pissed, nothing. I’m going to straight up murderlize them.

State of the Nation

(scene opens at the dinner table)

Me: (lights the first candle in the menorah and the first candle on an Advent wreath)
Beta: Why are we lighting the menorah if we’re not Jewish?
Husband: We’re not exactly Christian either.
Me: (firmly) Every culture has a celebration of lights during the dark of the year. The first week of Advent represents Hope, so tonight we focus on our Hopes for the season and the coming year. We light the menorah as a reminder that we stand with our Jewish cousins. In this country, people are still terrorized for being…
Husband: (calmly) When she says “terrorized” she means “being killed”.

(awkward pause)

Alpha: No way.
Husband: (to wife) Don’t you remember a few months ago? Eleven people shot at a synagogue?
Me: (thinks) I thought it was a shopping mall.
Husband: Starting to become hard to tell them apart, isn’t it?

(another awkward pause)

Gamma: (brightly) Let’s eat!

Nutritional Awareness

(scene opens in morning kitchen)

Me: (in bathrobe examining containers of leftovers) Beta? Did you have dinner last night after I left?
Beta: (from dining room) Yeah, why?
Me: (comes in with lettuce bag) Did you have taco salad?
Beta: (slowly) Yeah.
Me: The lettuce isn’t even touched. Did you put any lettuce in your salad?
Beta: I did. I ripped off two leaves about this big (makes a small square with his fingers and thumbs)
Me: That’s not salad, that’s garnish. You basically ate a big bowl of taco meat.
Beta: (defensively) It had cheese on it too.
Me: (deep breath) That would explain why all the cheese is gone.