Gotta stop it early

(scene opens in messy kitchen)

Gamma: (excited) Beta! I’ve been watch Minecraft YouTube! I know more Minecraft now!

Beta: (sweeping the floor and shitty about it) Oh yeah, how many blocks does it take…


Beta: (pouts)

Me: Hey Beta, do you know Dr. Who?

Beta: (pauses, lies badly) No.

Me: (knows his game) Try again. Hey, Beta, do you know Dr. Who?

Beta: Yeah.

Me: Oh yeah? Name them all.

Beta: (guilty grins)

Me: Oh, I guess you don’t know dick about Dr. Who. (gives the “understand?” look) That’s what it sounds like. Don’t. Do. It

(looks at the camera, breaks the fourth wall)

Me: Parents, don’t let your kids Gatekeep. It’s a dick move.

On being that mom

(scene opens in snowy school yard)
Me: (waits for flood of kids to be released to waiting parents)
Teacher: Please come inside.
Me: That’s never good. (swims up stream of fleeing children)
Gamma: (grinning, wearing snow boots, new winter hat, new snow gloves sewn up that morning from yet another destructive daughter moment, no winter coat)
Teacher: (begins highly repetitive, condescending lecture on sending daughter to school with appropriate jacket as if new to parenting)
Me: (sighs) Gamma, how’d you manage that? (takes off 9 ft long Dr. Who scarf, winds it around her, waving off sketchy loaner jacket) We live a block away, she’ll be fine.
Teacher: (re-loops highly repetitive lecture.)
Me: Bye! See you tomorrow! (leaves)