(scene opens in early morning kitchen, everyone in pjs)

Husband: Did you have fun on your trip yesterday?
Me: (fumbles tiredly with coffee cup) Oh yeah. We had a blast. Everyone was disappointed we weren’t spending the night, but I feel like I passed a test with all these road trips I’m suddenly being invited along on.
Husband: (sips tea) Oh yeah?
Me: Maybe I’m easy to travel with? I don’t have any feeding restrictions. I can sleep anywhere. I have no conversational filters and have limited hot button issues. I’m always up for an interesting side trip. I can tolerate a wide range of music.
Husband: (mildly) You are good at putting up with being annoyed.
Me: (ignoring implications) Oh, that reminds me. Pregnant Friend told me I’m #2 on her speed dial for when she needs back up on going into labor. Apparently husband faints at the sight of blood and not am I the only one she knows who’s done it a few times, but she’s betting I’m perfectly fine with casual random nudity.
Husband: You’re like the Universal Donor of Friendship.



(scene opens in messy kitchen)
Me: Gamma. Why are you not being nice at school. The teacher says you’re hitting, kicking and calling people names. Don’t you want to make friends?
Gamma: No.
Me: (pause) Why not?
Gamma: Alpha and Beta are my friends.
Me: (tries new angle) Kids aren’t going to want to talk to you, do you want that?
Gamma: Yes. I want Alpha and Beta to talk to me.
Me: (Throws up hands) Gamma! Alpha and Beta are at home, you need friends at school!
Gamma: I don’t need friends. I have Alpha and Beta.
Me: (grinds molars and tries not to blaspheme over Beta only wanting to be friends with Alpha and Alpha having no fucks to give for any sibling) I wish everyone had similarly functioning loyalty in this house.