Beta: What’s this for?
Me: Because you done good, kid.
Tag: gift
The gift that keeps on giving.
(flashback)
Big Boys: (yelling) Die Hard is not a Christmas movie, dad!
Husband: It’s okay to be wrong.
(scene opens in Christmas flavored pandemic parlor)
Husband: (unwrapping present, pauses in wonder) Oh. You didn’t.
Big Boys: (yelling) Mom! You didn’t!
Me: (smug) Now every year we can read it on Christmas eve and remember the true meaning of Christmas.
Big Boys: (yelling) Mom!
Me: Maybe you’ll stop complaining about being forced to watch the Hogfather every Christmas eve?
Beta: I thought you loved us.
Me: I love your father more.
Best. Birthday. Ever.
(scene opens, Carrot walking out of restaurant with her mom)
Host: Are you a Marine?
Me: (touches hair self-consciously) Uh…no?
Host: Oh, your sweatshirt says “Enterprise” on it. That’s a Navel vessel.
Me: (looks down at her brand new StarFleet hoodie) Oh! No – this is a Star Trek thing. Its a future Enterprise, not the current Enterprise.
Host: Oh, okay. (laughs and salutes) Thank you for your service, Captain.
Me: (salutes back) Carry on.
Premium American Import
(scene opens in mostly empty Post Office)
Lady behind the counter: Next!
Me: (walks up with large box and custom form, hands both over to Postal worker)
LBtC: (looks at form) You’re sending Cheesy Poofs to England? I love Cheesy Poofs. How do they not have any in England? (begins to type)
Me: Right? They have Starbucks and McDonald’s, what’s with no Cheesey Poofs?
LBtC: (points to monitor) Go ahead and accept the price on the screen and sign your name.
Me: (blinks in sticker shock, signs anyway) I’ll have you know, its cheaper to send Candy Corn to New Zealand.
LBtC: How do they not have Candy Corn in New Zealand?!
Me: That’s what we’d like to know!
Spirit of the Wolf
(scene opens in girl’s tossed bedroom)
Me: (shakes blanketed form) Gamma, time to get up for school. (notices sheet hammock from top bunk) What’s this?
Gamma: (rolls over, still sleepy) All my dogs.
(shot inside shows Wolfenoot gift, smaller stuffed dogs, including a mini-Fluffy from Harry Potter)
Me: That’s cute. They’re all nice and warm in there.
Gamma: (gets up, points at Wolfenoot wolf) All my dogs were orphans until he took them in and now they’re a dog family.
Me: (overwhelmed, kisses Gamma’s forehead)
Lame Start
(scene opens in early morning parlor)
Gamma: (still in pjs with sequined sleep mask) Mom! I looked everywhere for the presents and there isn’t anything!
Me: (confused, re-heating yesterday’s coffee) Honey, Christmas isn’t for another few weeks.
Gamma: No! Wolfenoot! There’s supposed to be presents!
Me: Oh honey, yesterday was Wolfenoot. Its on your birthday. That’s why you got a stuffed wolf.
Gamma: (crushed) When’s the next Wolfenoot! Do I have to wait another year?!
Me: Yes, you have to wait another year. Things got busy this month, I promise next year the Spirit of the Wolf will do a better job.
Gamma: (slumps out of the room) That was the worst Wolfenoot ever.
Me: (calls after her) It was the first Wolfenoot ever! We’ve not had enough practice! (to self) Man, no love for the Wolf Mom.
I am altering the deal
(scene opens in tossed parlor)
Me: Gamma, Delta’s therapist is coming in a few minutes, I want you to go downstairs until she leaves.
Gamma: But there’s nothing to do! Alpha’s playing Halo!
Me: (inaudible swearing, pounds on floor, older boys summoned)
Beta: What?
Me: Turn off Halo. Turn on Star Wars.
Alpha: What? Why?
Me: Today is May the fourth. Today is Star Wars day. You have to sit in the basement and watch Star Wars all day.
Beta: (suspicious) Seriously?
Me: Seriously. It’s May the fourth. And really, what else are you doing to do on a day off from school when its raining?
(Alpha and Beta share incredulous looks, run off to do mother’s bidding)
Me: (mutters) And how else am I going to keep from learning a force choke?
