Don’t Be That Guy

(scene opens in sewing room sweatshop, violin practice off screen)

Alpha: How was that? Am I all done?
Me: (puts down bodice) I think you could play a little bit longer, but it sounds good. I have to talk to you about something.
Alpha: (approaches hesitantly)
Me: Have you talked to Girlfriend recently?
Alpha: (wary brave face) Yeah. A couple of times.
Me: (tactfully lets it pass) We need to discuss the “Care and Feeding of the Girlfriend”. They’re not like houseplants where you talk to them once a month and everything is fine. Put your violin away then go upstairs and call her. You don’t have to plan anything, we’re probably busy this weekend, maybe you can meet at the park on Monday, but just tell her “Hey, thinking of you, wanted to see how things were going over your summer.”
Alpha: (tension ratchets down) You think so? Okay! (volin snaps into place, pounding upstairs offscreen)
Me: (licks finger, hash marks the air for a win)

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Smells like teen…wait, what?

(scene opens in a mini-van, Weird Al in the background)

Me: (rolling through daily lecture re-run) …and don’t argue with the teacher just because. If you did the homework wrong, just do it again and turn it in! You don’t have to make it a big fight, it just makes things worse for no reason! The best…(pause, sniff)…Alpha, are you wearing perfume?
Alpha: (takes small pink bottle out of his pocket) Yeah. Girlfriend gave it to me. I like the smell.
Me: (off balance) Er…it does smell nice. (deep breath) Y’know, Alpha, floral scents are traditionally thought of as female scents…
Alpha: (defensively) She thought I might like it. That maybe I should try it.
Me: (plowing forward) Yes! You should wear whatever you like to wear. If girls want to wear manly smells of pine and cedarwood, they should wear it! You wear whatever make you happy. I just wanted to warn you that some people might make fun of you and you can tell them to go to hell. People should wear whatever they like.

(Awkward silence, Weird Al continues on for a bit)

Me: It does smell nice. Stop arguing with your teacher.
Alpha: Ok.