Vague Similarity

(scene opens in doctor exam room, Beta and Gamma suffering each other’s existence, Carrot failing sanity checks)

Doctor: (enters) So, tests came back. They both have strep.

Me: (wearily) Not a surprise.

Doctor: I figured they both had it the way their voices were all garbled, but had to do the test to make sure.

Me: Yeah, they do sound like they have golf balls in their mouths.

Beta: Goth balls?

Me: Golf balls. Sounds like you’re talking around solid objects in your throat.

Beta: Oh, okay. That makes more sense. I was trying to figure out what goth balls are.

Me: Eh, it would probably still work as a descriptor. They’re dark and full of pain. (laughs)

Beta: (stares in WTF)

Doctor: (stares in professionalism)

Me: (sighs) Yeah…you don’t get why that’s funny. When can they go back to school?

Child of Darkness

(scene opens in mini-van, silently listening to the radio)

Me: Oh, this is one of my favorites. (turns up volume on Faith and the Muse’s “Cantus”

(cue all the children talking loudly and with no reason, just to make noise)

Me: (enraged, turns it up to eleven)

Delta: MOMMY! TOO LOUD! TURN IT OFF!

Me: (bitterly turns off the radio) Seriously guys. You were quiet for five damn songs in a row, and as soon as one I like plays you start running your damn mouths?

(cue three meaningless apologies)

Delta: Mommy, why you turn it up so loud?

Me: Because I really like that song. I like the way it makes me feel, not just the sound of it, but the way it reverberates in my bones. It makes my heart sing. It’s beautiful the way it soars.

Delta: Oh. Okay. Turn it up to one hundred, mommy.

Me: That’s my boy.

(“Cantus” roars, fade to black, cut to car commercial)

A Whole New World

(scene opens in busy mall. Carrot walking with purpose, Alpha and Beta trotting along behind)

Me: (stops in front of Hot Topic) Okay, here we are. Go in there, look for your cool edgy hoodies. I’ll be back in five minutes.

Alpha/Beta: Got it!

(cut-scene)

Me: (wanders up, finds both boys leaning on the railing) Did you find what you were looking for?

Alpha: (dismissive) No, its where all the emo teens shop. Nothing there for me.

Me: (raises eyebrows, said cooly) Then it was totally your shop. (peeks in) I’d wear half that stuff if it was in my size. No wonder you didn’t like it. (thinks) Okay, there’s one other place we can try.

(montage of wandering through difficult crowds, uneven floor plans)

Me: (stops in front of Spencer’s Gifts) If you don’t find anything befitting your tough teen image, we’re back to the internet. (sails calmly past a shirt display full of profanity and pot leaves)

(Alpha and Beta edge carefully in, skittishly pick through the store)

Me: (discovers she lost her shadows, back tracks, finds them at the lava lamp display) I always wanted one of those.

Beta: (hopeful) Me too. Think we can get one?

Alpha: Uh…mom? I have questions.

Me: (looks up, follows Alpha’s gaze behind her to the Bachelorette section. Contemplates a row of turgid and rainbow colored lollypops for a moment.) Well. I have answers.

Alpha/Beta: (laughs nervously)

Me: What, embarrassed of a few penises?

Alpha/Beta: (more nervous laughter)

Alpha: (turns to brother) We will never speak of this again.

(both boys turn on their heels and march out of the store. Carrot follows humming a jaunty tune)

The Music Speaks to Them

(scene opens in chaotic mudroom)

Me: Ohmigod, its going to be 50 today (starts stripping Gamma of arctic layers)
Alpha: Maaaam!
Me: (sighs) What?
Alpha: Beta turned the song into a gothic rock song!
Me: What? What song?
Beta: No I didn’t!
Alpha: He did!
Me: (exasperated) Beta, what song?
Beta: (summoning a voice from the gravel pit) Mary had a little Lamb! She cooked it until it was no more!
Me: Oh, that’s not gothic rock. Might be a little more Viking Death Metal. And that’s okay.
Alpha: (disappointed)
Beta: (preens)

Camouflage

(scene opens at the park)

Me: (sitting on bench, running fingers through Gammas’s two-toned hair) The blue is starting to fade. I like the slate blue of it, it looks like stone. Maybe you’re an Earth Witch.
Gamma: (resigned patience) My hair isn’t stone, mommy.
Me: If we do the color again, what color do you want to do? Pink? Red? Green?
Gamma: Black.
Me: (oddly disappointed) Black? Why would you want black?
Gamma: Because I walk through shadow.
Me: Oh. I guess that’s okay then.