Fashionista

(scene opens in wind-swept parking lot, Carrot hand-in-hand with Delta. They both head to a kid salon. Delta has a sheep’s worth of blond curls on his head)

(cut scene to Carrot and Delta exiting salon, Delta possessing considerably less hairs, very nearly shorn)

Delta: (despondent) I don’t like my hair this way.

Me: (sympathetically) I know, baby. She took off way more than I expected. It’ll grow back.

Delta: I don’t think it looks good. I want my hair to be longer.

Me: (with compassion) I like long hair too. Dad thought you needed it out of your face because it was getting so moppy and bothering you at school. As you get older and as you get better at caring for it yourself, you can grow it longer.

Delta: (gloomy) It doesn’t look good like this.

Me: Oh honey, you’re still my handsome boy.

Delta: (with formal chill) Mother, don’t call me handsome looking like this. This is not handsome hair.

Carrot’s Inner Voice: Oh, my heart, she breaks!

Me: (resolute) You are handsome even with short little spikey hair. It will grow back quickly and you can let it shag out all summer long.

Delta: (partially mollified) Very well.

(Delta climbs into mini-van, scene fades to black)

Got me there.

(scene opens in cluttered dining room)

Delta: And my friend at school dyed her hair today!

Me: (mildly) Oh yeah? What color.

Delta: Purple! She looks like a brand new human!

Me: Did you want to color your hair again during Spring Break?

Delta: (delightedly) Yes! I want to dye it black!

Me: (makes a face) Black isn’t fancy. If you’re doing to dye your hair, you should do it a fancy color.

Delta: (determinedly) Black is fancy! Black is the color of suits and suits are fancy so black is a fancy color.

Me: (moderately impressed) Well then. I guess we’re going to dye your hair black

Delta: (gleeful once again) You lied!

Me: No, I didn’t lie. You just changed my thinking.

Schooled

(scene opens in dim dinning room)

Me: Come here, Gamma, let’s brush your hair. You look like a rat’s nest.

Gamma: (hides her head) No!

Me: I have the soft brush (holds up large boar bristle brush). Sit down in front of me.

Gamma: (relents, sits on floor in front of Carrot) Make me beautiful.

Me: You’re already beautiful. You’re just unkempt. (begins to brush)

Gamma: What does unkempt mean?

Me: To keep something is to tend it and make it nice, like “to keep your room clean”. For something to be unkempt it means you’ve let it get messy. (lets her mull that over, continues brushing) Its an old word.

Gamma: Makes sense. You’re kinda old.

Frickin’ Fabulous

(scene opens in Tricoci University, students working on clients and mannequins)

Me: (Flounces to counter, resplendent in galaxy colored hair, followed by compliments and murmurs of approval from students and instructors)
Old Lady: (turns to look who’s behind her at the counter)
Me: (smiles brilliantly)

(scene repeats several times, Old Lady looking back then away, trying to hide a smile, finishes up making her appointment)

Old Lady: (finally) I just wanted to tell you, you look like a unicorn.
Me: (delightedly sharing Old Lady’s glee) I know! It was the effect I was going for!
Old Lady: (surprised, recoils) Really!? (shakes her head in disapproval and totters off)
Me: (WTF look)
Fabulous Host: (muttering to himself) Like that would have happened on accident.
Me: Right? By the way, love the nails.
FH: Thanks! (waggles inch long glitter acrylics honed to a deadly point)

Camouflage

(scene opens at the park)

Me: (sitting on bench, running fingers through Gammas’s two-toned hair) The blue is starting to fade. I like the slate blue of it, it looks like stone. Maybe you’re an Earth Witch.
Gamma: (resigned patience) My hair isn’t stone, mommy.
Me: If we do the color again, what color do you want to do? Pink? Red? Green?
Gamma: Black.
Me: (oddly disappointed) Black? Why would you want black?
Gamma: Because I walk through shadow.
Me: Oh. I guess that’s okay then.

Too through

(scene opens in unexpectedly clean kitchen)

Alpha: (bent over sink, head under running water)
Me: …and I can tell when you don’t use shampoo when showering because it doesn’t look clean and smells greasy.
Alpha: What does greasy smell like? Fried chicken?
Me: No, not exactly. It smells like…
Beta: (shrieking from dining room) BEE! A BEE! (runs into kitchen) MOM! A BEE!
Me: (throws towel on Alpha, goes to dining room, sees exceptionally large paper wasp on the chandelier) It’s okay, guys. Everyone stay cool and get me a towel.
Alpha: (hands over damp hand towel from trying his hair)
Me: (twirls it, eyeing wasp on chandelier. Rethinking plan, steps up onto dining room table and crushes wasp into towel)
Beta: Yay mom! You got the bee!
Alpha: Way to go mom!
Gamma: You’re so brave.
Me: Yeah I was kinda scared there. (crushes towel tighter to kill wasp, drops it on kitchen floor after gasping in pain, runs to sink, puts hand under cold water) Quick! Who has their shoes on!?
Kids: (collectively panics)
Me: Damnit! Who has their shoes on?! (sees Alpha has one on) Alpha! Step on the towel! Still alive!
Alpha: (figuring it out) I will avenge the Mother! (stomps on towel repeatedly, declaring vengeance until wasp shoots out the side)
Kids: (scatter squealing)
Me: (feeling faint, resting head on faucet) Where is it?
Beta: Behind the door!
Alpha: I’m on it! (squashes wasp dead, cleans up carefully under direction)
Gamma: Are you okay mommy?
Me: (pulls hand out of water, surveys palm, determines it was just a tip, not a full sting) I’ll be okay. It only hurts a little now.
Beta: Mom? Why is your hairbrush on the stove boiling?
Me: (closes eyes against the morning) I found lice in my hairbrush today.
Kids (scatter squealing)

Excellent Customer Service

(scene opens in local CVS, oddly packed for the day and hour)

Guy at the Register: Next!
Me: (approaches counter, resigned)
Guy: Good evening! How are you tonight?
Me: (sighs, puts down a two-for-one brush combo and two boxes of de-louser)
Crowd: (backs up at least a step)
Guy: (starts sympathetic laughter) I’m so sorry. My daughter had lice once.
Me: Yeah, husband is already shaving heads and the washing machine is on hot.
Guy: Going to be a long night. Well, we have a well stocked liquor department.
Me: A little for me (mimes tipping back) and a little for me (mimes pouring it over the head). Alcohol kills bugs, right?
Guy: (more laughter) I’ll keep the beer cold for you.
Me: I’m within walking distance. I’ll probably be back.

Working one’s style

(Scene opens in cluttered dining room, angry industrial playing in background)
Me: (drinks coffee, watches wee hand carefully reach over the table edge, slide hair brush over edge and quietly disappears. Looks under table)
Delta: (squatting, pulls individual hairs out of brush, puts on head, pats in place)
Me: (watches for several minutes) This is what we’re doing?
Delta: (looks over, gives brilliant grin, goes back to putting loose hairs on his head)
Me: I’m not sure if I should be impressed you’ve figured out that’s where hair comes from or worried you think you can put it back.