(scene opens in gloomy dining room, dusted with Easter grass)
Beta: Where are all the eggs?
Me: I don’t know. You’ll have to look.
Beta: (looks out window, sees 100 plastic eggs on the yard) Oh my god.
Alpha: (turns to look) Dear lord.
Me: (sips coffee, smug)
Beta: How did our eggs get outside?!
Me: I don’t know.
Alpha: That’s never happened before. Why didn’t the Easter Bunny come inside?
Me: Dunno. Maybe the door was locked and he couldn’t get in.
Beta: Then where are our eggs if he couldn’t get the house?
Alpha: And where did he get all those eggs if he couldn’t get ours?
Me: He’s the Easter Bunny. He’s magic. Maybe he pooped them out.
Alpha: Well, I’m not touching them.
(scene opens over dish washing)
Beta: Mom, explain this groundhog thing to me.
Me: On the second of February, the groundhog comes out and it’s bright and sunny, he sees his shadow, gets scared, goes back to his burrow and its six more weeks of winter. If he comes out and it’s cloudy, no shadow and he just tools around doing his groundhogy thing, then winter is over and spring has arrived.
Beta: That doesn’t make sense. It should be the opposite. If the sun is out and the weather is nice, winter is over and winter is still here if it’s cold and cloudy.
Me: (mental sigh as she tries to find the words) Groundhog Day is a…poetic conceit? The cultural game we all play and pretend to go along with. No one actually believes it, we just go along with it.
Beta: But what happens if the groundhog says it’s spring?
Me: He never does! It is always six more week of winter because it is six weeks from February 2nd to the March 21st, which is when spring starts.
Beta: Then why do we do it?
Me: (starts up lecture of the cultural forerunners, Imbolc and Candlemas, then realize that no one is listening to her) Because humans are silly.
Beta: Oh, that makes sense.
(scene opens in much more tidy dining room)
Beta: Why aren’t we opening presents!?
Me: Your father is still sleeping.
Beta: But it’s Christmas!
Me: That’s what he wanted for Christmas, to sleep in.
Beta: We’re dying!
Me: Wait until the cinnamon rolls come out and then you can go jump on him.
(Scene opens with Beta Unit doing the Every Goddamn Morning The Same Question because he has no concept of the passage of time or the ability to read a calendar)
Beta: What’s today?
Me: May the Fourth.
Beta: What’s tomorrow?
Me: Revenge of the Fifth.
Beta: (pauses, puts the references together) You’re funny mom. No, really, what day is it today?
Alpha: Today is Star Wars Day! I’m going to do nothing but Star Wars stuff when I get home from school!
Me: (considers the cultural importance of the day against her relative disinterest) Okay. After homework.