Tag: holiday

Holiday Spirit

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(scene opens in packed gym)

Me: (wearily signing out of a session)

Trainer: (chipper) Can you believe it’s December already? Have you finished all your Christmas shopping?

Me: Almost. My kid said the weirdest thing to me the other day. You know how when we were kids, we wanted everything? Nothing was ever enough? Wanted the whole damn toy catalog?

Trainer: Oh yeah, totally.

Me: I asked him what he wanted and he said, “Well, you got me an Occulus for my 18th birthday, my Steam account is full of games, I already have everything I want. So…maybe a new pair of flannel lined jeans.”

Trainer: (stares in Are You Serious?)

Me: (stares back in I Know, Right?)

Trainer: Kids these days. They’re so weird.

Me: Gives me a little hope for the future. I mean, yay! down with unfettered capitalism and all that. But…at the same time….really? Well, okay, I guess I’m getting him the the really good jeans for Christmas.

Trainer: Yeah, no knock offs for that kid. See you Monday.

Inescapable fate

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(Scene opens in Christmas parlor, tree being set up)

Me: (bringing in boxes) Okay kids, none of you remember a tree with ornaments on them because when the boys were babies, we had a little tree and everything was in storage. When we moved out of the city, the first big tree we had, Alpha broke a bunch of my ornaments. I decided that we wouldn’t have any ornaments until you guys could handle Christmas responsibly. So this year (Carrot pulls out a German blown glass ornament) I’ve decided we’re going to try these.

Beta: Oh, those are pretty. When did we get those.

Me: I’ve been buying one for each of you since you were born. They’ve been boxed for the last nineteen years.

Delta: Which one are mine?! (begins to hop up and down)

Me: You don’t have very many, you’re only eight. And this one, (Carrot pulls out crowned peacock with long feathered tail) is the very first ornament I bought for Alpha’s first Christmas. It’s got a clip on it, so you can clip it right to the branch.

(Alpha takes it gingerly)

Me: Okay, we need to put hooks on the rest of them because they’ve never been hung up –

Alpha: Oh shit.

(room freezes, turns to look at Alpha with the clip in pieces in his hands)

Me: Are you $#%*@$ kidding me.

Alpha: (hands it back to Carrot) I’m going to play video games. (exit stage left)

(room awkwardly stares at a despondent Carrot)

Beta: (helpfully) How about we concentrate on the ones that need hooks?

(Rest of scene has Beta and Delta hanging ornaments and candy canes)

Experiential Wisdom

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(scene opens in Christmas mall, Carrot wandering between Alpha and Gamma)

Me: This was the mall that I used to hang out at as a kid.

(Alpha and Gamma side eye Carrot)

Me: When I was your age (pokes Alpha) our parents would drop us off at a particular door, tells us to be back there at a certain hour, and just leave us here with our friends to wander, hang out, and shop. It was like teenage day care.

Gamma: (excitedly) Did you ever buy anything?

Me: (snorts) With what money? No, it was mostly hanging out. At Christmas, before internet, you’d make lists of things you wanted and shared them with the family. Then the whole family would go to the mall, you’d get your list, and then separate to go buy things for everyone.

Alpha: (confused) Why don’t we do that?

Me: What kid had enough money to buy everyone presents? Presents that were “good enough”? It used to make your Auntie K and I so anxious with the pressure of getting the “right thing”. I never wanted that for you, that expectation that you have to buy people gifts just because. So I never pressed you guys to buy gifts for one another. I want you guys to grow up giving gifts because you like the person and want to do something nice. Something special. The holidays are stressful enough as is. And you kinda need a source of income before you can do that anyway.

Gamma: Can we hang out at the mall anyway? (shock and awe) Did you see the food court?!

Alpha: (skeptical) What’s fun about hanging out at a shopping place?

Me: (sighs) It was a different time.

Alpha: Your childhood was wierd.

SC937-0176CEC

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(scene opens in cluttered dinning room)

Husband: Do you like it?

Me: I love it it.

Husband: Does it fit okay?

Me: Perfect. The only gripe I have is that they didn’t put the Admiral pins on the sleeve.

Husband: (pause) You’re bothered by the fact that your cheap silkscreened knock off sweatshirt from China isn’t cannon accurate to the franchise it was taken from.

Me: I’m still gonna wear it.

Husband: (tolerant sigh) Merry belated Christmas, dear.

Day In the Life of the Pandemic

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(scene opens, Carrot at lap top)

(camera close up on email from Scout Master saying post-meeting positive case)

(back to Carrot, thinking and frowning and drinking coffee)

(camera close up on second email from school detailing positive case with close contact)

(back to Carrot, puts down coffee, grabs keys leaves)

(ridiculously long driving montage and multiple store visits)

(cut scene to Carrot, in CVS pharmacy)

Stock Lady: Here, I found these in the back. (hands over a stack of tests)

Carrot: (relief) Oh thank god. You’ve saved Christmas.

(cut scene to mini van, Carrot driving past hospital with large protest outside with signs and American flags)

Protester #1: (yelling, waving sign saying “Murder! Jesus Judges!”)

Protester #2: (chanting, bobbing sign saying “Crime to withhold proven treatment!”)

Protester #3: (holding up sign saying “Let them take ivermectin!”)

Carrot: (tearfully) Sweet Zombie Jebuz, we’re never fucking getting out of this.

You Had Options

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(scene opens in deconstructed kid’s room)

Me: (tucking an exhausted, overwhelmed, weeping Delta into bed) Okay, sweetie. Get some sleep I’ll see you in the morning.

Delta: (pauses, explodes into fresh wailing)

Me: What’s wrong?

Delta: (sobbing) I didn’t eat anything tonight!

Me: (patiently done) Honey, there was food everywhere and you didn’t want anything.

Delta: (moar sobbing) I didn’t eat anything tonight!

Me: That’s not true. You had two deviled eggs and a huge bowl of banana pudding.

Delta: (pauses, remembers, less sobbing) I didn’t eat anything tonight.

Me: (pulls up blanket, kisses forehead): I got a chocolate mousse pie in tribute tonight. Get some sleep and you can have some for breakfast.

Delta: (gulps, sniffles) Okay.

(Carrot leaves room, turns off light)

Wild Frontier

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(scene opens in dinning room, half recovered from Thanksgiving, Carrot at table still in bathrobe)

Gamma: Can I have bread?

Delta: Can I have cookies?

Beta: I’m just going to have another one of these sugared cranberries. Is that okay?

Alpha: Why is Gamma having bread? Did you say that was okay?

Me: (suffering, trying to write, hands over headphones that are clearly not loud enough) Oh. My. God. Please. Go. Eat. There is food everywhere. None of you are young enough that I have to be involved in the feeding of you. Scavenge. Forage. Whatever. I don’t care. There are no rules any more. It is a lawless time –

Alpha: (alarmed) No! Please! There have to be rules! Please make some rules!

Me: (stares, starts to laugh)

Alpha: (defensively) If you don’t make rules there will be chaos.

Carrot’s Inner Voice: I’m sorry, do I know you?

Me: (moar laughter, some tears)

Life Lessons

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(montage of setting the Bigs to tasks, finding them half finished, calling them back)

Me: (standing in dinning room, pointing) So. Those dinning room chairs you were going to put back around the table after you vaccum?

(cut to one chair at table, rest in the parlor)

Beta: (sheepishly) Oh. Yeah right.

Me: You guys need to be boomerangs. Come back to me. Not arrows and stick where you land.

Alpha: We’re Wal*Mart boomerangs.

Me: No. Strive to be top shelf boomerangs.

Alpha: We’re made in China. Not well made. (heads upstairs)

Me: (calls up after) You were most definitely not made in China. You were made in the U.S. It means you’re too expensive and no one will buy you!

That’s Nutrition!

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(scene opens in partially clean kitchen, Carrot standing in front of open refrigerator)

Me: (talking to herself) Sugared cranberries done. Cran-applesauce done. Pumpkin pie in oven. Need more apples for apple pie. Need oranges for turkey brine. Prosecco for….

Delta: Mommy? What’s in that box?

Me: (absently) The rest of Gamma’s birthday cake.

Delta: Can I have cake for lunch?

Me: That’s not a healthy lunch.

Carrot’s Inner Voice: It would make more room in the ‘fridge for the deviled eggs.

Delta: Please? I can show you my cutest face ever? (fists under cheeks, eyes very wide, lips pulled into hopeful pout.

Me: Fine. There’s no such thing for responsible eating for the next month anyway.

Sins of the Father

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(scene opens in mini-van)

Me: Its your sister’s birthday today.

Beta: Its also Wolfenoot.

Me: It is. So, I heard of a lovely Wolfenoot tradition from a friend of mine, H the Bard*. You hide gifts around the house and play “Hungry Like the Wolf” on repeat until everyone finds a gift.

Beta: Sounds fun. We should do that.

Me: Except that your father hates Duran Duran.

Beta: Huh. I should take forever to find a gift then. Just put it under my chair and sit there going “I wonder where it could be?” while he stands in front of me going “It’s right there!”.

Me: (starts laughing) You’re a terrible child.

Beta: (pleased) I wonder where I get it from.

(*Names blurred out to protect the guilty, but not very well.)

Ouch

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(scene opens in mini van, pulling away from kindergarten pick up line)

Delta: Is today Mother’s Day?

Me: No, yesterday was Mother’s Day.

Delta: Mother’s Day is only one day?

Me: Yes. Only one day.

Delta. Only one day a year?

Me: Yes. Mother’s Day is only one day a year.

Delta: So only one day a year you have a life?

Me: (quiet, merges into traffic) Yes. Thanks for pointing that out, Delta.

Delta. (happily) You’re welcome, mommy!

Funny Because True

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(scene opens in rainy dining room)

Beta: (shuffles up groggy) Did you get your other cards?

Me: (sips coffee) Yes.

Beta: (hands over pink envelope) I went to the store, looked at cards for ten seconds and decided this was the one.

Me: Oh boy.

Husband: (from kitchen) Thanks for getting me in trouble, Beta!

Me: He’s not wrong!