Eat All The Things

(scene opens in brighter kitchen, partially clean)

Me: Tart chilling, cran-apple sauce chilling, butternut soup in the crock. Time for breakfast. (takes mini-cupcake off a tray) Please tell me you had one of these before I eat them all.
Husband: (washing dishes) No.
Me: They’re delicious. Pumpkin spice cake with cream-cheese frosting. You didn’t have any last time and I bought these specifically for breakfast.
Husband: (dismissive) You don’t have cupcakes for breakfast.
Me: (outraged) Why not?! There are breakfast burritos, no reason we can’t have breakfast cupcakes! (takes another mini cupcake) Besides, now its noon and so now they’re lunch cupcakes.

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Petty wars

Today’s Baby Carrots brings you the favorite rerun of Gamma sitting at the head of the table and declaring herself queen only to have Beta be outrageously offended by this whimsy and argue with her for an hour about how she’s not the queen of anything. New House Rule: Anytime two parties are arguing over complete and total petty crap, I beat both parties with a wooden spoon. Goddamn middle children, I tell you.