(Scene opens in parlor. Carrot is reading a restaurant menu advertisement, Husband and Beta are listening)
Me: Hmm. The “Pistoleer”. Italian beef, au jus, and toasted roll. Wait. How is that different from the “Big Daddy”? Oh, the “Big Daddy” has mozzarella and provolone. That’s what makes it a “Big Daddy” apparently, the cheese.
(Carrot and Husband lock eyes over the menu)
Both: Cheesy Skillet.
Beta: What the F was that?
Me: (carelessly, eyes on menu) Beta, one day you’re going to fall in love and you’ll know it’s the real thing when the two of you end up developing your own secret language. Its why I can never leave your father. No one else speaks my language.
Husband: Or you’ll just have to spend another twenty years learning a new one. (pause) Christine Aguleria.
Me: Everyone get your belts on. OH! That reminds me, I found a new playlist for the car.
(picks up phone, begins to fiddle)
Beta: (skeptically) Is it kid friendly?
Me: (smug) Yep.
Beta: A kid friendly list that you like? This can’t be good.
(Carrot begins to drive and a cover of Danzig’s “Mother” begins to play)
Beta: (stunned) What the hell is this? Alpha? Are you seeing this? It’s a playlist in Klingon. We’re listening to Klingon pop music!
Alpha: (unconcerned) You think this is the weirdest thing she’s ever done?
Me: (giggling madly)
Beta: (appalled) You know, just because it’s in Klingon doesn’t mean that it’s kid appropriate.
Me: They’re covers of 80s music. Its unlikely there’s any swears in there.
Beta: Klingons don’t swear?
Me: Oh, I’m sure they do. But I don’t know if there’s a Klingon version of “F you, you F’ing F”. I think they’d just insult your honor or say something like “Your starship is a garbage scow.”
(scene opens in early morning dinning room, several bouquets of multi colored roses on the table)
Me: (reading email, drinking coffee)
Beta: (sees card, picks it up to read it, item drops out) Mom? What’s this?
Me: Your father gave that to me. We’ve been married twenty years today. That’s my golden watch.
Beta: (with relief) Oh good. I was hoping dad got this for you and wasn’t some toy of Delta’s laying around. You know that there’s no way he bought this by itself, right? That this was probably some Paw Patrol set and there’s a bunch of other Paw Patrol stuff just laying around the house somewhere.
Me: Going the extra mile for the joke is why I like your dad so much.
Beta: It kinda makes sense he’d give you a gold watch. I mean, you’re kinda retired. You don’t work.
Me: (mildly) I don’t work?
Beta: (recovering) You don’t work for money. Dad works for money and you kinda hang out here with him.
Me: (obviously laying a trap) Oh. I just hang out here and let dad do all the work.
Beta: (sweating) No! That’s not –
(footsteps off screen announces the arrival of Husband)
Husband: (blinking in the bright light of the dinning room) What are you doing up so early?
Me: (gets up, kisses husband) I was going to sneak out and get you a card, but I forgot that pandemic means nothing opens before 6 am any more. Beta loves the gold watch you got me. Said it made sense since I don’t work.
Husband: (gives Beta “you done messed up” look)
Beta: (dramatically flails arms)
Me: (sitting, picks up coffee) Also told me that you work, and I just kinda hang out.
Husband: (dramatically alarmed, looks at Beta) Run.
(Husband flees off stage, not pursued by a bear)
Beta: (mean mugs Carrot) That’s not what I meant! I know you work hard!
Me: Extra mile for the joke, honey. Have a good day at school.
(scene opens in cluttered dining room Beta sitting next to Carrot at the table)
Me: The reason you’re failing is that you’re not turning in your work. That’s it. You’re passing all your tests. Just turn in the goddamn work.
(Husband approaches the table)
Husband: (in calm receptionist voice) Thank you for calling Parent Phone. Press 1 if you want to be yelled at by Dad. Press 2 if you want to be yelled at by mom. Press 3 if you want a vague sense of parental disappointment.
(pause)
Beta: What does four….
Husband: (yelling) I TOLD YOU IF YOU WANTED TO BE YELLED AT BY DAD YOU PRESS 1! DO YOU EVEN LISTEN?
Carrot: (puts head down and laughs)
Beta: What’s wrong with you?
Carrot: (crying) I’m blogging that and you can’t stop me.
Gamma: Look at that chonky squirrel! I want a squirrel as a pet!
Husband: (looks out window) Eh, you can’t really have a squirrel for a pet. They’re not domesticated animals.
Gamma: Can I domesticate it?
Husband: You could tame one, but that’s different than domesticating.
Me: (looks up from making coffee) I don’t know how many generations it takes to domesticate something. Gamma, what you really want is to make some Crow Friends.
Gamma: How do you do that?
Me: Well, you need to feed them, but there are so many squirrels here, you’d need to call them to the yard first and then feed them.
Gamma: (skeptical) How do we do that?
Me: You can get a Crow Call on the internet.
Gamma: (skepticism deepens) A Crow Call?
Husband: Yeah! A Crow Call. Watch. (cups hands, leans towards window) HEY CROW! COME HERE CROW!
