Explaining the joke

(scene opens in messy kitchen)
Alpha: Mom, I don’t understand why this joke is funny.
Me: What’s the joke.
Alpha: It says Captain Kirk has three ears: left, right, and frontier. What’s a frontier?
Me: (with immense sonorous gravitas) Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Her five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before.
Alpha: (silence)
Me: (goes back to washing dishes)
Alpha: Wow. I’m going to have to start watching Star Trek.
Me: Indeed.

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Pure poetry

(scene opens with mom brushing daughter’s long wet hair)
Husband: Tell mommy how much you love daddy.
Gamma: (holds up pinched fingers)
Husband: Now show mommy how much you love her.
Gamma: (throws arms open wide)
Me: Sorry Husband.
Gamma: Mom, you win at love.
Me: Yes, some call me the gangster of love.
Gamma: (with heavy sarcasm) Really? You said that?

Culinary delights

(scene opens with Carrot behind the wheel, post-graduation slurpees in everyone’s hand)
Husband: Try this one. Airhead Extreme Cherry.
Me: (Sips. Salivary glands implode.) Harsh.
Husband: I think the Sour Patch slurpee was better.
Me: That had a stronger punch, smoother finish. I like that we can use wine terms to rate slurpee flavors.
Husband: This is not a slurpee for drinking…
Me: This is a slurpee for laying down and avoiding.