(scene opens in parlor, Carrot opening her suitcase)
Alpha: Glad you’re back home, mom. Did you get my Mother’s Day card.
Me: I did, sweetie, that was very nice.
Beta: I did you bring us anything?
Me: I did!
(pulls bag out of suitcase and hands it over)
(long silence)
Alpha: Are you serious?
Beta: What fresh hell?
Gamma: Mom? I don’t think that’s appropriate.
Delta: I want some!
Me: That’s my boy.
Husband: What are you, twelve?
Me: It made me laugh.
(scene opens in clean dinning room)
Beta: (runs in) Mom! Look!
Me: (looks up from laptop)
(Beta proudly wearing a Chicago Cop leather jacket)
Me: Oh my god. It fits you.
Beta: I know! Dad didn’t think it was going to fit!
Me: You should wear that to school.
Beta: Why?
Me: Because it’s cool and deserves to be worn. Your Aunt K painted the back of that jacket.
Beta: She did?
Me: Yeah. Your dad asked how much she charged and she said $100. $150 if she didn’t like someone. So your dad paid her $200.
Beta: That’s awesome. But why?
Me: Just in case.
(scene opens in cluttered dinning room, children waiting for pie)
Me: (looks up from lap top, calls out) King Charles just knighted Brian May.
Husband: (comes into dinning room with pie)
Beta: Who’s Brian May and why is he important enough to be knighted?
Me: (looks to husband) Want to tell him why Brian May is important?
Husband: Oh. He’s a champion.
Beta: (stares in WTF)
Husband: (prepares the set up) As a young man…
Me: (not seeing where it was going) He killed a man.
Husband: (changes track) Put a gun up to his head.
Me: He pulled the trigger.
Husband: Now he’s….
Beta: (interrupting) Okay! I get it! I get it! Stop already! (crosses arms, sinks into his chair) Geez, you could just tell me.
Husband: Way more fun this way.
(scene opens in dining room)
Beta: (tying shoes) I need to be dropped off at 6:30 and then picked up after the game.
Me: Okay, we can do that, but what time?
Beta: When the game is done.
Me: Yes. But what time does the game end?
Beta: I don’t know, how long does a basketball game go?
Husband: (holds two hands wide apart) From end to end.
(room pauses)
Me: (puts head down on table and laughs until she cries)
Beta: (scowls)
Husband: (quite pleased with himself)
Beta: Mom. Not that funny.
Me: (wheezes) Honey, the jokes with accidental set up are the best jokes.
Husband: Got another one for you. How do you tell the sex of an ant?
(silence)
Husband: You put –
Beta: Wait. Let me figure it out.
(more silence)
(Gamma enters the room from the parlor)
Husband: (gleefully) Gamma! How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Gamma: (measures the room and with resigned hopelessness) No. Just no. (leaves)
Carrot: (begins to laugh again, wiping tears)
(scene opens in early morning bedroom)
Me: (instantly awake, eyes fly open)
(seconds pass, Carrot nudges Husband repeatedly)
Husband: (sleepy) Huh?
Me: (carefully) I need you to reach up and turn on the light.
(Husband flails looking for the sconce above Carrot’s head)
Me: No! The one above you!
Husband: Oh. Right.
(light floods room, brown bat circling the ceiling, Husband and Carrot contemplate it)
Husband: We’re going to have to get our windows checked. Our bedroom door was closed.
Me: I can’t figure out how they know they can slither through a gap in a closed window but can’t figure out how to fly out an open one.
(scene opens in early morning dinning room, several bouquets of multi colored roses on the table)
Me: (reading email, drinking coffee)
Beta: (sees card, picks it up to read it, item drops out) Mom? What’s this?
Me: Your father gave that to me. We’ve been married twenty years today. That’s my golden watch.
Beta: (with relief) Oh good. I was hoping dad got this for you and wasn’t some toy of Delta’s laying around. You know that there’s no way he bought this by itself, right? That this was probably some Paw Patrol set and there’s a bunch of other Paw Patrol stuff just laying around the house somewhere.
Me: Going the extra mile for the joke is why I like your dad so much.
Beta: It kinda makes sense he’d give you a gold watch. I mean, you’re kinda retired. You don’t work.
Me: (mildly) I don’t work?
Beta: (recovering) You don’t work for money. Dad works for money and you kinda hang out here with him.
Me: (obviously laying a trap) Oh. I just hang out here and let dad do all the work.
Beta: (sweating) No! That’s not –
(footsteps off screen announces the arrival of Husband)
Husband: (blinking in the bright light of the dinning room) What are you doing up so early?
Me: (gets up, kisses husband) I was going to sneak out and get you a card, but I forgot that pandemic means nothing opens before 6 am any more. Beta loves the gold watch you got me. Said it made sense since I don’t work.
Husband: (gives Beta “you done messed up” look)
Beta: (dramatically flails arms)
Me: (sitting, picks up coffee) Also told me that you work, and I just kinda hang out.
Husband: (dramatically alarmed, looks at Beta) Run.
(Husband flees off stage, not pursued by a bear)
Beta: (mean mugs Carrot) That’s not what I meant! I know you work hard!
Me: Extra mile for the joke, honey. Have a good day at school.
(scene opens in dining room, Carrot wincing as she ices the sole of her foot. Husband enters from kitchen.)
Husband: (expansively) You picked the best weekend to go camping with the Girl Scouts tomorrow!
Me: (wearily) Oh yeah? Heat index out of control?
Husband: No! Its because I have to be up all night!
Me: (suspicious) Why?
Husband: Sandman drops today and I have to binge watch!
Me: (outraged) Not without me!
Husband: I’ll watch it again a dozen times over!
(camera swaps between Carrot’s Murder Face and Husband’s look of Chaotic Glee a half dozen times)
Me: (sighs, checks watch) All the kids are in bed by 8. We’re pulling an all nighter.
Husband: On the big T.V.?
Me: Of course.
(scene opens in dinning room, Beta shuffles in)
Me: (looks up from laptop) Good morning! Glad to be back home?
Beta: (groggy) Yes.
Me: Tell me what else you did at Sea Base? I want all the stories.
Beta: Well, we were on that primitive island and you get a chuck box. There’s the ‘Chuck Box Challenge’.
Me: Oh dear. I know where this is going.
Beta: (warming to tale) So, the challenge is that you have to eat everything you packed in. We didn’t have much time left so I look in the box and pull out the maple syrup and chug it.
Me: (starts laughing) Ohmigod. Go tell your father.
Beta: Why?
Me: I think he might be proud of you.
(time passes, cut scene to later, Husband walks into dinning room)
Me: Did Beta tell you about the food challenge?
Husband: Yes. I told him he should have put the maple syrup on something. Like an apple.
Me: Oh yeah? What’d he say?
Husband: Said that’s what Alpha did.
Me: (proud) I love our knuckleheads.
(scene opens in cluttered kitchen)
Alpha: (hunting breakfast) Ha-HA! (pulls bag of leftover pizza from ‘fridge)
Me: (pointing) HA! Ha-HA!
Alpha: Ha-ha-ha-HA!
Me: HA! Hu-ha-ha-ha. HA!
Husband: You guys are dorks.
Alpha: (draws himself up) You married her. You made me.
Me: He does have a point.
Husband: I was cool once.
(scene opens in cluttered kitchen, conversation in progress)
Me: I’m really sorry they’re moving. I wanted to hang out with him more and make fun of each other.
Beta: (attempting to be witty) You’re bald! (crickets) And I’m out! (turns to leave)
Husband: Beta, come here.
Beta: (nervously edges toward the door room) No!
Husband: I said come here. (crosses room)
Beta: (whimpers)
(Husband embraces Beta gently, pats him on the back)
Husband: Sorry I missed your concert tonight. I heard you did a great job.
Beta: (confused, whimpers again) What just happened?
Husband: (lets him go, picks up tea mug, smiles)
Me: Good night, Beta.
Beta: (edges out of the room, slightly panicky) I don’t know what’s going on.
Me: (sotto voce) There is nothing he can do to you that is worse than your own imagination.
Husband: (smug humming)
(scene opens in cluttered dining room Beta sitting next to Carrot at the table)
Me: The reason you’re failing is that you’re not turning in your work. That’s it. You’re passing all your tests. Just turn in the goddamn work.
(Husband approaches the table)
Husband: (in calm receptionist voice) Thank you for calling Parent Phone. Press 1 if you want to be yelled at by Dad. Press 2 if you want to be yelled at by mom. Press 3 if you want a vague sense of parental disappointment.
(pause)
Beta: What does four….
Husband: (yelling) I TOLD YOU IF YOU WANTED TO BE YELLED AT BY DAD YOU PRESS 1! DO YOU EVEN LISTEN?
Carrot: (puts head down and laughs)
Beta: What’s wrong with you?
Carrot: (crying) I’m blogging that and you can’t stop me.
(scene opens in frantic parlor, three out of four spawnlings in scout uniforms.)
Me: Everyone got their shoes on? Uniforms on? Find your coats.
Husband: Gamma. Fix your belt.
(camera cuts to Gamma in Webelo uniform, scout belt all twisted)
Gamma: (struggles with scout belt)
Husband: Did you miss a belt loop?
Me: (aggravated) Here, let me help. This part is…. (hesitates) Gamma? You somehow managed to tuck your pants into your pants.
(everyone pauses, exchanges looks)
Husband: (sighs) I’m getting in the car. Head out when you two are ready.
