Me: (looks up from laptop) Good morning! Glad to be back home?
Beta: (groggy) Yes.
Me: Tell me what else you did at Sea Base? I want all the stories.
Beta: Well, we were on that primitive island and you get a chuck box. There’s the ‘Chuck Box Challenge’.
Me: Oh dear. I know where this is going.
Beta: (warming to tale) So, the challenge is that you have to eat everything you packed in. We didn’t have much time left so I look in the box and pull out the maple syrup and chug it.
Me: (starts laughing) Ohmigod. Go tell your father.
Beta: Why?
Me: I think he might be proud of you.
(time passes, cut scene to later, Husband walks into dinning room)
Me: Did Beta tell you about the food challenge?
Husband: Yes. I told him he should have put the maple syrup on something. Like an apple.
(scene opens in cluttered dining room Beta sitting next to Carrot at the table)
Me: The reason you’re failing is that you’re not turning in your work. That’s it. You’re passing all your tests. Just turn in the goddamn work.
(Husband approaches the table)
Husband: (in calm receptionist voice) Thank you for calling Parent Phone. Press 1 if you want to be yelled at by Dad. Press 2 if you want to be yelled at by mom. Press 3 if you want a vague sense of parental disappointment.
(pause)
Beta: What does four….
Husband: (yelling) I TOLD YOU IF YOU WANTED TO BE YELLED AT BY DAD YOU PRESS 1! DO YOU EVEN LISTEN?
Carrot: (puts head down and laughs)
Beta: What’s wrong with you?
Carrot: (crying) I’m blogging that and you can’t stop me.
Me: Perfect. The only gripe I have is that they didn’t put the Admiral pins on the sleeve.
Husband: (pause) You’re bothered by the fact that your cheap silkscreened knock off sweatshirt from China isn’t cannon accurate to the franchise it was taken from.
Its been a while since I’ve shared my oh-so important thoughts about anything, but you really need to see this.
That, my dear readers, is Duke Cannon’s Offensively Large Sunscreen Lip Balm. Don’t be surprised when I tell you…it is offensively big. I can’t tell if I feel like a tiny little child playing with mommy’s lipstick or if I mistakenly grabbed Delta’s glue stick. It does give good coverage. At a mild SPF 30, I feel like I could easily hit my cheekbones and nose in an extra swipe it’s so large.
Okay, backtrack a bit. I am not receiving any goods nor monetary inducement to give this review, just the hilarity in my black little heart.
It smells a little minty but it doesn’t burn the mouth the way menthol related medicated lip balm does. Once I get used to the feeling of putting on clown makeup, I think I’m gonna love it. Also, way harder to lose when its that damn big. Takes up almost the entirety of my girl pockets. I’m giving this a: Worth the Extra Cargo Space.
Continuing on this shameless promotion: The reason I ended up this monstrosity is because I was hunting a replacement jar of Bloody Knuckles Hand Repair Balm. I got a jar for Husband a while back, for he dislikes scented things. Lotions tend to be on the perfumed side and few of them are acceptable, even to for me. It is a scentless lotion that is super creamy and does not leave the hands gross and oily and slick and slimy. Or all of them. And it works really well. Trust me, I’ve got dragon skin. This gets a: No Joke, You Need Some.
Yes, yes, the entire site is Hyper Masculine Marketing. Men can’t have lip balm, they must have tactical lip balm! They don’t use soap, they use Thick Ass Soap! (which I did get myself, but have yet to use) But something deep inside of me tells me that they don’t actually believe their over the top testosterone laden product blurbs. Its part of the joke?
As a final bit of review, I got myself some solid cologne. Yes. For me. It smells of vetiver and oakmoss and now you know what they used to make English Leather cologne (for those of you old enough to have fathers that wore such a thing). One does not buy perfume/cologne without knowing the preferences of the recipient, so I was unwilling to order for any of my stinky boys. So I will share, if they are inclined to be headed into the world of Manly Smells(tm). Meanwhile, I get to smell like a forest god. It’s quite intimidating. And this is a rather large solid tin, so it’s going to last me quite a while. This is rated: Maybe Too Much
Me: It is. So, I heard of a lovely Wolfenoot tradition from a friend of mine, H the Bard*. You hide gifts around the house and play “Hungry Like the Wolf” on repeat until everyone finds a gift.
Beta: Sounds fun. We should do that.
Me: Except that your father hates Duran Duran.
Beta: Huh. I should take forever to find a gift then. Just put it under my chair and sit there going “I wonder where it could be?” while he stands in front of me going “It’s right there!”.
Me: (starts laughing) You’re a terrible child.
Beta: (pleased) I wonder where I get it from.
(*Names blurred out to protect the guilty, but not very well.)
Me: (to husband) I found one of Gamma’s stories in my Google Docs. I don’t know if it got emailed to me or what.
Husband: Yeah?
Me: It was amazingly complicated. There’s a deep and wide ranging mind in that child. Alarmingly and creatively intelligent.
Husband: I know. I’ve read some of her stuff.
Me: (looks out window, Gamma running around in circles talking loudly to herself and swinging a scooter by the handle) Y’know how some of our other friends have really smart and clever and deep children?
Husband: (warily) Yeah?
Me: How come they’re all self-possessed well spoken polite little mini-adults and ours is swathed in chaos?
Baby Carrots 