Funny Because True

(scene opens in rainy dining room)

Beta: (shuffles up groggy) Did you get your other cards?

Me: (sips coffee) Yes.

Beta: (hands over pink envelope) I went to the store, looked at cards for ten seconds and decided this was the one.

Me: Oh boy.

Husband: (from kitchen) Thanks for getting me in trouble, Beta!

Me: He’s not wrong!

Code Names

(scene opens in dim kitchen)

Alpha: Who keeps tangling up the leash? (struggles with chain)

Me: I don’t know. (takes mug out of microwave, looks at clock) I guess I’d better go get small boy out of bed. (pauses, shocked look, starts laughing)

Alpha: What are you laughing at?

Me: (points to Alpha) Tall Boy. (points straight above) Chonk Boy. (points to dinning room) Not Boy. (points above the stairs) Small Boy. (points to dog at the door) Fur Boy. (dissolves into hysterical laughter)

Alpha: (with concern) Are you okay, mom?

Me: (wipes tears) No. No I’m not.

I guess he’s family now.

(flashback)

Me: So, do we call this one Epsilon?

Husband: (reprovingly) No. I want there to be some difference made between the kids and the dog.

Me: I’ve already called him Delta three times today.

Husband: (firmly) There needs to be a difference between the kids and the dog.

(cut-scene to evening dinning room)

Me: (settles self with hot drink, prepares to write, turns on Spotify)

Dog: (picks head up, side eyes) Woof.

Me: (looks over) What.

Dog: (deeper) Woof!

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, is my music bothering you? (shuts it off)

Dog: (more side eye, lays back down)

Me: Yeah, you’re Epsilon. I don’t know what Husband was thinking.

The children are our future.

(scene opens in brightly lit kitchen)

Husband: (preparing to cook dinner)

Carrot: (staying out of his way) I was reading this moderately alarming article about how Covid has tanked the birthrate. Add that to the Covid death rate, that’s a significant population drop. There’s going to be some massive demographic shifts fairly soon.

Husband: Now stop to think all the Millenials that can’t afford to buy houses and start families and that Gen Z isn’t going to be able to do that either.

Carrot: A faster and bigger drop. (thinks) Y’know – even though we have four kids, its very possible we won’t have any grandchildren.

Husband: (washing a dish) Oh, I don’t know about that. Alpha is good looking and prone to making bad decisions.

Carrot: (with adoration) Awww. Just like his father!

Husband: (turns, glares, kisses Carrot’s forehead) Nice.

Carrot: I know.

Understanding fate

(scene opens in the foyar)

Gamma: (looking at all the Christmas cards on the glass door) Momma? Who’s this?
Me: (surveys cards) That’s Krampus. He takes away all the bad children and eats them.
Gamma: (alarmed) Then how will you get me back?!
Me: ….I think you’re missing the point.
Gamma: (outraged) Then what happens to bad adults?!
Me: I think they become Krampus.