A Day of Service

(scene opens in mini van drive through)

Me: (hands over McDonald’s reward) Here you go. And thank you again for helping out and mowing lawns.

Beta: No problem. Nuggies! (stuffs one in his mouth)

Me: (starts to drive) I’m serious. If more people were willing to be that helpful and generous to the people around them, the world would be a better place. At the very least they’d all be wearing their goddam masks.

Beta: (slurps frozen Coke) Y’know — if everyone in the world was that helpful and generous, there’d be no objective way to determine who was a good person.

Me: (extreme close up, over dramatic side eye, long pause)

Beta: (mouth full of food) I mean right? It’d just be normal.

Me: What website did you get that off of?

Beta: Just though it now.

Me: (falls silent, continues to drive)

Man vs Nature

(scene opens in cluttered kitchen)

Me: (enters, passes by open porch door where Beta lurks, stops) What?
Beta: (red faced teary eyed, chokes up) I…I just…the grass…

(over grown yard half mowed behind him comes into view)

Me: (interrupts) Look, this is nothing to cry about. This is mowing the lawn. If you just go and cut and stop coming here to cry about how hard it is every five minutes, you’d be done by now.
Beta: (redder face, tears building)
Me: This is a challenge. Rise up and defeat it. Pretend the grass is an army you’re slaughtering. Say to them “Behold, grassy army, I will destroy your legions and defile your grassy corpses and revel in my victory.”
Beta: (stares)
Me: I want it on record that ten year old me would have had this done in twenty minutes. You can verify that with my brother. Begone.
Beta: (slinks away)