(scene opens in cluttered dinning room)
Beta: Mom, I’m a failure.
Me: (caught typing, pauses) What?
Beta: I’m a failure. Remember the whole step-joke?
Me: Yeah?
Beta: I just figured out why it’s called a step-ladder. It’s a ladder. With steps.
Me: (covers face with hands) Oh god. Oh god, you’re kidding me.
Beta: Yeah. Sorry. Are you disappointed in me?
Me: (laughs in unbelievable are you serious) Maybe a little.
(flashback)
Big Boys: (yelling) Die Hard is not a Christmas movie, dad!
Husband: It’s okay to be wrong.
(scene opens in Christmas flavored pandemic parlor)
Husband: (unwrapping present, pauses in wonder) Oh. You didn’t.
Big Boys: (yelling) Mom! You didn’t!
Me: (smug) Now every year we can read it on Christmas eve and remember the true meaning of Christmas.
Big Boys: (yelling) Mom!
Me: Maybe you’ll stop complaining about being forced to watch the Hogfather every Christmas eve?
Beta: I thought you loved us.
Me: I love your father more.
(scene opens in dim dining room, homeschool hell in progress)
Me: (frowning, thinking, typing slowly)
Gamma: (comes around table to look over Carrot’s shoulder) Black Phoenix Alchemy? Is that for me? Because I like alchemy?
Me: (confused) What? No. Go back to your chair.
Gamma: (lingering) I’m curious.
Me: (sharply) Go!
Gamma: (flouncing away dramatically) Why isn’t it for me? Why won’t you let me do alchemy?
Me: (struggling to focus) Black Phoenix Alchemy is a perfume site, not alchemy.
Gamma: (bemoans) Why doesn’t anyone do alchemy any more?
Me: (trying to articulate) Now it’s called chemistry.
Gamma: Doesn’t sound as much fun as alchemy. I suppose I could do chemistry if I had to.
(Carrot puts head down on table, fade to black, cut to car commercial)
(scene opens in cluttered kitchen, Carrot helping Beta prep lunch)
Husband: Where’s the Vaseline?
Me: Metal cabinet? What do you need it for?
Husband: (holds up gauze square and Vaseline) Gamma hasn’t learned firestarting.
Me: Yes she has. (thinks) Okay, she might have memory lapse from that long ago. Dog memory.
Husband: No worries. We’re going to go firestarting. (heads out back door)
Me: (calls after) Twisted firestarting?
Husband: (shouts back) Maybe!
Beta: (stares in WTF)
Me: I’m a firestarter? Twisted firestarter? No? (sigh, grabs laptop) Hang on.
Beta: (watches required video in skeptical silence) Yeah. Sure. Okay. I’m gonna go make pizza now….
Me: You break my heart, Beta.
(scene opens in pandemic parlor, music server up way too loud)
Jethro Tull: (blasting) War Child dance the days, and dance the nights away.
Me: (at embroidery frame, taking slow careful stitches)
Gamma: (comes running in, begins to dance, flailing in a mad frenzy of arms and legs)
Me: (pauses, watches over top of reading glasses)
Gamma: (sees her mother watching, flees the room)
Me: (to no one) Should have seen that coming.
(scene fades to black, music roars to silence)
(scene opens in chaos filled parlor, video game war in progress)
Me: That’s it. (turns off Xbox, picks up remote) We’re going to watch something fun.
(collective groan from four children)
Me: Here. We’re going to watch the 2019 Marblelympics.
(silence as marble filled lego stands comes on the screen)
Alpha: (full of teen angst) What in fresh hell is this?
Gamma: I’m Green Ducks!
Delta: I’m Savage Speeders!
Beta: (scowls at the tv) This is cancer.
Husband: (rushes in) Who’s winning, did I miss anything?
Me: No, they just lit the torch.
Husband: This is very exciting. I hope Oceanics does well this year.
Alpha: That’s it, I’m going for a walk.
(scene opens in cluttered dinning room)
Husband: (enters from kitchen) Hey, did you hear what Niece K wants to be when she grows up? (opens up laptop)
Me: (typing, doesn’t look up) I already made the reference and he didn’t get it.
(Husband plays Dentist Song from Little Shop of Horrors)
(Boys watch in WTF)
Alpha: What the hell was that?
Husband: A song from a movie.
Beta: What kind of movie has a song about a dentist hurting people?!
Husband: A movie about a plant. A talking plant. That eats people.
Beta: (pauses) It is not. You’re lying.
Me: He’s not. It was a play called Little Shop of Horror, they turned it into a movie. The the plant talks and is called Audrey Two.
Beta: (stares) You are both totally lying to me.
Me: (starts laughing) It does sound like something we’d lie about.
Husband: I wouldn’t believe me either.
And that, dear readers, is how Carrot ended up explaining what a douche was to Beta Unit, in front of her mother, at Thanksgiving.
(scene opens in tossed parlor)
Me: Gamma, can you help me pick up all the Quirkle tiles? Delta threw them all over?
Gamma: Sure mama. (gets down to scoop them up)
Me: So, I need to make you a new dress this weekend. A friend of daddy and mine is going to be king soon, and we wanted to go to Coronation.
Gamma: (eyes wide) Your friend is king? What does that mean we’re going to do?!
Me: Going to be. Remember we get a new one every six months? So we’re going to go to Coronation to wish him well and be happy for him. But that means we all need new garb, especially you. Do you want a blue dress? A pink dress? Red? Green?
Gamma: (dreamy delight) I want a black one. With skulls.
Me: (starts to laugh) Black with skulls?
Gamma: (still dreamy) I was born to fight. (snaps back) I will do well in the SCA.
(Cue epic sound track, mother tearfully hugs daughter, fade to black, cut to car commercial)
(scene opens in cluttered parlor)
Me: (enters, sees Gamma on the computer) Gamma? What are you doing?
Gamma: Watching videos of games! (Pouty lipped cartoon character on the screen, with lipstick choices)
Me: (flinches inwardly) How about you watch something a little more intellectually stimulating than putting fake make up on a fake person?
(mother leaves, back momentarily, sees Gamma typing)
Me: Now what are you watching?
Gamma: I’m trying to find Kurzgesagt. Is that okay?
Me: (pauses, impressed) That’s fine.
