(scene open in mini-van, everyone dressed for arctic conditions)
Me: Okay, now when we get to the campsite I want you to behave yourself. This is a new troop, don’t overwhelm them.
Gamma: (bouncing with excitement) Okay, mama. When are we going to get there?
Me: We’re here. (turns into camp ground) This is where you’ll be camping for the weekend. It’s going to be super cold, remember to wear all your layers.
Gamma: (moar bouncing) Okay, mama. I can hardly wait to say good bye to you!
Me:
(scene opens in rainy dining room)
Beta: (shuffles up groggy) Did you get your other cards?
Me: (sips coffee) Yes.
Beta: (hands over pink envelope) I went to the store, looked at cards for ten seconds and decided this was the one.
Me: Oh boy.
Husband: (from kitchen) Thanks for getting me in trouble, Beta!
Me: He’s not wrong!
(scene opens in cluttered basement, Supernatural on the tv)
Me: (walks through carrying coffee mug, stops)
TV: (Sam and Dean pick themselves up post-boss conflict)
Me: Which your favorite character? Sam or Dean?
Beta: (supposedly folding laundry) The car.
Me: (sips coffee approvingly) Good choice.
TV: (Dean puts two rounds into final boss)
Me: My favorite is Dean.
Beta: (heavy) Of course it is.
Me: What’d you say?
Beta: Nothing! Nothing. Nice weather we’re having.
(flashback)
Big Boys: (yelling) Die Hard is not a Christmas movie, dad!
Husband: It’s okay to be wrong.
(scene opens in Christmas flavored pandemic parlor)
Husband: (unwrapping present, pauses in wonder) Oh. You didn’t.
Big Boys: (yelling) Mom! You didn’t!
Me: (smug) Now every year we can read it on Christmas eve and remember the true meaning of Christmas.
Big Boys: (yelling) Mom!
Me: Maybe you’ll stop complaining about being forced to watch the Hogfather every Christmas eve?
Beta: I thought you loved us.
Me: I love your father more.
(scene opens in dim dining room, pandemic homeschool in session)
Delta: (climbing into his chair) Mommy, I was made for two things.
Me: (clutching coffee mug) Oh yeah?
Delta: Yeah. Eating chocolate and playing games!
Me: Those are good things.
Delta: And loving you! (big cheese five year old grin)
Me: (sound of heart melting) That’s three things.
Delta: Yeah. I made a mistake.
(scene opens in mini-van in the rain)
Delta: Mommy? Are you going to tell me a secret?
Me: What? (laughs in mom) No. I don’t have any secrets.
Delta: (incredulous) You’re not going to tell me secrets about love?
Me: What?! (scrambles) Uh…you can’t make people love you.
Delta: (dismissively) I already knew that. I want a different secret.
Me: (panicky) I don’t know how to explain this to a five year old. Uh…well…someone’s love won’t complete you. You have to be a whole person all by yourself.
Delta: That’s a good secret.
(ten minutes drive in silence, split screen between confused Carrot and contemplative Delta)
(pulls up in front of school, Carrot hops out to unbuckle Delta)
Dela: People forget the secrets their family tells them. I sometimes forget.
Me: (uneasy) It’s okay to forget sometimes.
Teacher: (walks up with digital thermometer for daily check) Looks like you’re good to go, buddy! Ready for a new day of kindergarden?
Delta: No. (walks slowly inside)
Me: (drives home in WTF)
(scene opens in cluttered dining room)
Me: (head in hands, giving up)
Husband: Is there anything I can do to make it better?
Me: (morose) No. Nothing went right this week and I’m raising wild and incompetent meat puppets.
Husband: (sits down along side, wraps arms around wife) You’re a good mom.
Me: (pathetically) Really?
Husband: Not the best mom.
Me: Seriously?
Husband: (going for broke) Probably not even in the global top ten. Realistically, above average. But you’re a good mom. I mean, technically your only job is to keep them alive! So far all that hard work is really paying off, despite their best attempts otherwise.
Me: (weak laugh)
(scene opens in tossed parlor)
Gamma: Mom! I want to go play with Christopher! Or Malia!
Me: (exhausted) Okay. Be home by 3 and if no one is home, come back right away.
Gamma: (rockets out the door)
Delta: Metoometoometoometoo! (runs over with shoes)
Me: (sadly) No, honey. Gamma is going to play with her friends. You’re too young.
Delta: (infinite sadness) Too young?
Me: Yes, too young. You can’t go.
Delta: (infinite sadness + tears) Want Gamma! WANT GAMMA! WANT GAMMA! (runs to screen door and pounds on frame) NEED GAMMA! I NEED GAMMA!
Me: (hides face) How comes kids only love the siblings that won’t play with them?
