Tag: manners

My Compliments

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in a Party City, behind the counter in a fabulous array of balloons)

Me: (steps up to counter and places down items, still staring at the balloons)
Cashier: (in a voice deeper than Barry White and richer than James Earl Jones) Did you find everything you need?
Me: Oh, yes. (eyes still on balloons) Thank you. You have a very beautiful voice.
Cashier: (pleased rumble) Thank you.
Me: (realized what she just did, stares up at him) Oh my gosh. Was that inappropriate? I’m sorry.
Cashier: (counting change) No, you’re fine.
Me: Really? (panicked) I don’t want to create an unsafe working environment.
Cashier: (relaxes further, smile wider) Here’s your change. You have a beautiful day now.
Me: Thank you. You too, sir.

(scene cuts to sidewalk, Carrot squinting up at the sky)

Me: Well, there’s another store I won’t be able to go to for the rest of the year.

Path of Righteousness

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens at front door)

Elderly Couple: We’re taking a religious survey!
Me: (amused and soft hearted) Sure.
EC: (proceeds to grill on personal religious practices)
Me: (laying down a heavy layer of Catholicism)
EC: If you were to die right now, would you go to heaven?
Me: Of course.
EC: (skeptical look) What do you base that on?
Me: (brilliant smile) Clean living.
EC: (skeptical look intensifies) Here’s a brochure to our church. Hope to see you there.
Me: Thank you so very much. Have a good weekend.

(cut scene to kitchen)

Husband: (in pajamas) I missed my opportunity, didn’t I?
Me: You always do. (hands over Baptist Church recruitment pamphlets)
Husband: Clean living? Really? (tears them up)
Me: Couldn’t quite bring myself to say “Not being a judgmental prick” to someone’s grandparents. I’m nice like that.

Exceptions to every rule

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens at mostly empty table)

Beta: (shoveling ice cream into his face)
Me: (disgusted look) Beta. Dignity. Refinement.
Beta: (straightens up) What does that mean?
Me: It means you eat like an adult that has learned manners, not like a pig. Eat every meal as if you were dining with the President.

(awkward pause, looks are exchanged)

Me: Okay, how about the Pope?