Tag: movies

Emo Spoiler Alert

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Alpha: Mom? Did you want to come see “The Creator” with me? It opens at my theater today.

Me: Never heard of it.

(Alpha calls up trailer on Carrot’s laptop. They both watch.)

Me: Wow. That looks pretty. I’m going to have to decline. I know I’m too emotionally compromised for that movie.

Alpha: Because of the kid?

Me: In part. That movie is going to be a “What does it mean to be human?” type of story. Where humans are the bad guys for their lack of self-awareness and willingness to kill anything they don’t understand while the machines understand the sanctity of life and self-sacrifice for the greater good and survival of the species. Its a common sci-fi theme. I know I won’t be able to handle it.

Alpha: (slightly disappointed and skeptical) Okay. If you’re sure, I’ll go by myself.

(hours pass)

(Alpha returns home)

Me: (looks up to find a red-eyed despondent Alpha) You okay?

Alpha: (shakes head)

Me: (gently) Go upstairs and take a nice long hot shower and have yourself a good cry. You’ll feel better.

The gift that keeps on giving.

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(flashback)

Big Boys: (yelling) Die Hard is not a Christmas movie, dad!

Husband: It’s okay to be wrong.

(scene opens in Christmas flavored pandemic parlor)

Husband: (unwrapping present, pauses in wonder) Oh. You didn’t.

Big Boys: (yelling) Mom! You didn’t!

Me: (smug) Now every year we can read it on Christmas eve and remember the true meaning of Christmas.

Big Boys: (yelling) Mom!

Me: Maybe you’ll stop complaining about being forced to watch the Hogfather every Christmas eve?

Beta: I thought you loved us.

Me: I love your father more.

Important Distinctions

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(scene opens in cluttered parlor)

Gamma: (laying on the floor, watching Loki confront Thanos) Mom? I thought Loki was a bad guy. Why is he being a good guy now.

Me: (scrambles) Oh…uh…he’s not always bad. He’s what’s called a “Trickster”. They’re sometimes bad and sometimes good. You just never know what he’s going to do.

Gamma: (ponders) Loki is a sometimes friend. A Frenemy.

Me: Exactly.

We Brought it on Ourselves

On By carrotkhan1 Comment

(scene opens in cluttered dinning room)

Husband: (enters from kitchen) Hey, did you hear what Niece K wants to be when she grows up? (opens up laptop)

Me: (typing, doesn’t look up) I already made the reference and he didn’t get it.

(Husband plays Dentist Song from Little Shop of Horrors)

(Boys watch in WTF)

Alpha: What the hell was that?

Husband: A song from a movie.

Beta: What kind of movie has a song about a dentist hurting people?!

Husband: A movie about a plant. A talking plant. That eats people.

Beta: (pauses) It is not. You’re lying.

Me: He’s not. It was a play called Little Shop of Horror, they turned it into a movie. The the plant talks and is called Audrey Two.

Beta: (stares) You are both totally lying to me.

Me: (starts laughing) It does sound like something we’d lie about.

Husband: I wouldn’t believe me either.

Blaspheming

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(scene opens in brightly lit kitchen)

Husband: So Alpha, I’m compiling a list of movies for you guys to watch.

Me: (watching the microwave count down) Some of them need vetting.

Husband: You haven’t seen Indiana Jones yet, have you?

Alpha: One, two, three and four?

Me: (takes coffee out of microwave, slams door) THERE IS NO FOUR!

Alpha: (stares)

Husband: (shocked, trying not to laugh)

Me: (icily to husband) I will not have that in my house. (exits, head held high)

Alpha: (calls after her) Is that the one that…

Husband: Dude, just no. Trust me.

Potential Avenger Spoilers

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(scene opens in kitchen in the midst of a deep clean)

Me: (walks in from outside, carrying bucket of movie popcorn)

Husband: (looks up from cleaning the stove) Hey, how was it? Did you cry?

Me: A couple of times.

Husband: A couple?

Me: The first time was…(voice starts to crack and waver) …was… (hard swallow) when Cap called the hammer. (tears start, looks away from audience) Hang on…hang on…wait…. (looks back, composed) Okay. Good. (deep breath) Right.

Husband: (nods in understanding) Hawkeye’s family.

Me: Yeah. (deep breath) Second time. Um, there was that one line up? (husband nods) And Gamma leans over to me and… (voice quavers again) ….and…and she says to me… (braces self) “Women make the best super heroes.” (tears start again)

Husband: (small voice) Oh. (face turns pink, looks away)

Me: Yeah. (sniffs) I was not prepared for the feelz.

Rise to the Challenge

On By carrotkhan1 Comment

(scene opens in tossed dining room)

Alpha: What are you reading?
Me: An article about how a movie theater is running all the marvel movies in order before Endgame.
Alpha: (unimpressed) Huh.
Me: Would you like to go?
Alpha: I already saw all of them.
Me: So? We could do it at home. We have all movies, we can spend all weekend watching them in order. A whole weekend! Think of all the popcorn we can eat!
Alpha: (grimace) I don’t really like popcorn.
Me: You break my heart. I’ll watch 59 hours of Marvel with Gamma. She still loves me. I’ll invite all my nerd friends and you can’t hang with us.
Alpha: Whatever.

Archetypes

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(scene opens in laundry strewn basement, Thor: Ragnarok on screen)

Beta: (feverish, weakly laying on couch)
Me: (folding all the laundry) Thor and Loki remind me of you and your brother.
Beta: (pathetically) Which one?
Me: (eyes Delta running up and down the stairs in some pretend game) If I have to tell you, you’re sicker than I though.
Beta: (weak cough)

(on screen, Thor and Loki battle to the ship hangar)

Me: Y’know, they keep trying to kill one another and they still find ways to work together. Maybe you and Alpha should try that for once.
Beta: (whispers) They have mini-lazer guns and are saving the planet.
Me: Maybe the two of you should save the planet known as Mom’s Sanity.
Beta: (mulls that over) Can we have mini-lazer guns?
Me: When Nerf sells them.

I am altering the deal

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in tossed parlor)

Me: Gamma, Delta’s therapist is coming in a few minutes, I want you to go downstairs until she leaves.
Gamma: But there’s nothing to do! Alpha’s playing Halo!
Me: (inaudible swearing, pounds on floor, older boys summoned)
Beta: What?
Me: Turn off Halo. Turn on Star Wars.
Alpha: What? Why?
Me: Today is May the fourth. Today is Star Wars day. You have to sit in the basement and watch Star Wars all day.
Beta: (suspicious) Seriously?
Me: Seriously. It’s May the fourth. And really, what else are you doing to do on a day off from school when its raining?

(Alpha and Beta share incredulous looks, run off to do mother’s bidding)

Me: (mutters) And how else am I going to keep from learning a force choke?

Move it, move it

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens at dinning room table)

Gamma: Is today a school day?
Me: No. It’s Sunday. You have school tomorrow.
Gamma: Tomorrow is a school day?
Me: Yes. (Pulls up calendar on laptop) See? You have school tomorrow, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and for some reason there’s no school on Friday.
Gamma: Is Friday a holiday?
Me: Not that I know of. But the school is closed on Friday.
Gamma: It must be King Julian Day.
Me: Probably.

Historical perspective

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(scene opens up in cluttered dining room, Alpha watching “The Great Escape” on the laptop)
Alpha: The guys without uniforms, who are they?
Husband: The gestapo.
Alpha: Were they military men?
Husband: They were not military men. They did not have the honor of a military man. They were civilians, a secret police, that worked with the Nazi party.
Alpha: Did they do bad things?
Husband: Very bad things.
Alpha: (thoughtful pause) Hitler was an ass.