(Carrot leaps up and heads to basement, cut scene to top of the stairs)
(Alpha looks up helplessly, Epsilon noses something suspicious on the floor, manages a doggy smug)
Me: (exasperated) Alpha, its just poop. If you guys walked him more this wouldn’t…
Alpha: (tremulously) Mom. It’s not poop.
(Carrot descends stairs for better look)
Carrot’s Inner Voice: Please, oh god, don’t be a rat.
Carrot: Looks a little big to be a mouse, and there’s no tail. (gets closer, sighs gently) Oh honey, its a baby rabbit. A very baby rabbit.
Epsilon: (wags tail and pants smugly)
Alpha: (tearfully) Is it dead?
(Carrot picks up small animal, wet and slick and black. It kicks slightly)
Alpha: (jumps) It’s not dead!
Carrot: Well, this makes things a little more complicated.
Editor’s Note: Said baby appears to have been claimed. Given the cruelty of Mother Nature, we are continuing to believe that said baby was claimed by the mama.
Me: Perfect. The only gripe I have is that they didn’t put the Admiral pins on the sleeve.
Husband: (pause) You’re bothered by the fact that your cheap silkscreened knock off sweatshirt from China isn’t cannon accurate to the franchise it was taken from.
Me: (resigned) Okay, smalls, the school has encouraged twenty minutes a day on each of your two learning programs to make sure you’re all caught up for the fall. I don’t want any arguing. You can play video games after your work. Capisce?
Gamma/Delta: (in cheery chorus) Yes mom!
Gamma: Can we have snacks?
Me: Yes, as long as you work.
Gamma/Delta: (wailing) WE’VE BEEN WORKING FOREVER WHY AREN’T WE DONE!
Me: Its twenty minutes of work, not twenty minutes staring and the screen. You’ve done one question! Finish the rest of the questions and you’ll be done!
Gamma/Delta: (moar wailing) THE CLOCK SAYS WE’VE BEEN HERE FOR THIRTY MINUTES WHY WON’T YOU LET US PLAY VIDEO GAMES!?
Me: (trying not to cry) You’ve only done two questions! You have to do all the questions in the practice session!
(dramatic music, fade to black, cut to White Girl Wine Commercial)