(scene opens in cluttered kitchen)
Alpha: (hunting breakfast) Ha-HA! (pulls bag of leftover pizza from ‘fridge)
Me: (pointing) HA! Ha-HA!
Alpha: Ha-ha-ha-HA!
Me: HA! Hu-ha-ha-ha. HA!
Husband: You guys are dorks.
Alpha: (draws himself up) You married her. You made me.
Me: He does have a point.
Husband: I was cool once.
(scene opens in basement)
Me: (quietly walking up behind Bigs, checking laptop screens for shenanigans) Are you both in class?
Both: (doesn’t move, wearing headphones) Yeah.
(shot Beta’s screen tiled with screens bearing kids’ names)
Beta: I’m in music class, the teacher is about to start
Me: (to Alpha) What about you?
(Alpha’s screen a single shot of an empty room)
Alpha: I’m watching my favorite YouTube. “Drying Paint”
Me: (doubles up laughing)
Beta: (to Alpha) Wow. You made her laugh.
Alpha: I didn’t just make her laugh. I got the wheeze out of her.
(scene opens in cluttered basement, Supernatural on the tv)
Me: (walks through carrying coffee mug, stops)
TV: (Sam and Dean pick themselves up post-boss conflict)
Me: Which your favorite character? Sam or Dean?
Beta: (supposedly folding laundry) The car.
Me: (sips coffee approvingly) Good choice.
TV: (Dean puts two rounds into final boss)
Me: My favorite is Dean.
Beta: (heavy) Of course it is.
Me: What’d you say?
Beta: Nothing! Nothing. Nice weather we’re having.
(scene opens in sun drenched kitchen)
Beta: (throws up hands) Welcome to the one year anniversary of the two week lock down!
Me: (checks FitBit) Not yet. You have a couple of days. Unfortunately. (refreshes coffee)
Beta: Why unfortunately?
Me: We’ve been inside so long, I’ve forgotten how to people
Beta: (crouches down to scritch Doggo) Did you ever know how to people?
Me: (uses foot to knock him over) You’re a jerk. (starts to laugh)
Beta: (also laughs) I learned it from my parents!
Me: Not wrong. Still a jerk.
(scene opens in dining room, conversation in progress)
Husband: So, what you’re saying is that he’s a Tony Stark – he’s going to save the world, but it’s going to take him a little while to get here.
Me: (affecting a Look of No Surprise) Huh. (slurps coffee theatrically) Maybe?
Delta: (starts laughing) Mommy made a joke! Mommy is being funny! You’re funny mommy!
Me: (side eye) …..uh
Husband: I told you that you had to watch what you say around him.
Me: HE’S FOUR! HE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND THAT LEVEL OF DISCOURSE YET! WE ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!
(scene opens in tossed dinning room)
Husband: (points into the kitchen) Did you see the Scout coolers came home? We have to do do patrol shopping for the weekend’s camp out.
Me: (considers beat up coolers) Alpha’s or Beta’s? They both need the credit.
Husband: Not sure. (turns to holler off screen) BETA!
(second later, stair pounding is heard, Beta arrives in the doorway between kitchen and dining room)
Husband: You’re doing the shopping for the camping trip?
Beta: (sarcastically) Uh, yeah.
Husband: (frowns, lets it go) Who do you have to go with?
Beta: (more sarcasm) Uh, my Patrol Buddy. But I don’t know when because I have no way to contact him.
Husband: What do you mean? You can call him.
Beta: (full on sassomancer, puts imaginary phone to his ear) Oh hey, Patrol Buddy, I’m calling you on my imaginary phone to plan the shopping. (pretends to drop invisible phone)
(three heart beats of silence)
Husband: Beta, back up two steps and tell me what’s hanging on the wall.
Beta: (does so, sulks) A phone.
Husband: I pay a monthly fee for that phone. It ensures everyone has access to a phone. Go get Patrol Buddy’s phone number and call him.
Beta: (sulks deeper) I don’t have the number. I didn’t get it because I didn’t have a cell phone to call him from.
Husband: Huh. I guess you’re shopping by yourself this week.
(scene opens in dim early morning kitchen)
Me: Alpha, get your jacket, its cold out.
Alpha: It can’t be, it was 50 yesterday.
Me: Its also 5:15 am in the morning, hence colder than high noon. Also, welcome to winter in the Midwest. One day 50, the next day -50. Get your jacket.
Alpha: No, I’m good.
Me: 11 degrees. Jacket and gloves.
Alpha: No, I got pockets.
Me: I get that you think you’ll be fine, because you’re going straight from car to school, but having the jacket in case we break down is also a good idea.
Alpha: We’re not that far away, I can walk to school from where ever we break down.
Me: (paralyzed with lack of caring) Fine. Get in the car. Dad’s car. He’s parked behind me.
Alpha: Oh. The shitty cold car?
Me: Without seat warmers? Yeah.
Alpha: (leaves, standing ground on not getting jacket or gloves)
(cut scene to inside mini-van, windows edged with heavy frost)
Alpha: Is the heat even on?
Me: Yeah, its an old car, you have to give it a little time to warm up.
(time passes)
Alpha: Is the blower even working?
Me: Ayup. Takes a lot of work to warm up from 11 degrees.
(more time)
Alpha: Why is it so cold?
Me: Gosh. If only there was an article of clothing you could have brought with you that would have kept you warm. Maybe with sleeves and a hood? What’s that thing called? A ja-quet?
Alpha: (non-committal teen-age harumph)
Me: (smug)
(cut scene-flashback, opens in foyer of Universal Studios hotel, two people having a conversation)
Me: (quietly) Beta, you’ve been talking about food all day.
Beta: I’m hungry all day.
Me: (epiphany moment) Beta, do you eat your feelings?
Beta: (serious face) Yeah. (dork face) Its because they’re so delicious.
Me: (letting it go, talks for other times) Well, its because you put cheese on them.
(flash forward, six people in parked van, most red eyed from crying)
Everyone: (collectively mired in personal misery and sorrow)
Husband: (reaches out, touches wife’s arm gently to get attention, mimes eating)
Me: (nods, collects self, sits up straighter, calls over shoulder) Beta? Do you want to go put cheese on our feelings?
Beta: That’d be great.
Me: (waves to husband to work the car machine)
Gamma: Why are we putting cheese on our feelings?
Husband: I think we’re getting something to eat.
(scene opens in tossed dining room)
Me: So how was school? Any homework? (sips coffee)
Beta: Yeah, English. I have to find a word that describes me that rhymes with the sound of my name.
Me: (pause, confused) You have to find a descriptive word that rhymes with your name? Or one that starts with the same letter?
Beta: (instantly exasperated) Rhymes with my name!
Me: (pretty sure he’s wrong) There aren’t going to be any descriptive words that sound like your name, honey.
Beta: (falls apart, verge of tears) It has to rhyme with the “L” sound.
Me: (staying calm, grits out) Rhyme is the wrong word. Rhyme is “bat, cat, rat, prat”. Starting with the same letter is completely different. (Points to computer) Get on Thesaurus.com and look up a word.
Beta: (hysterical) But I don’t even know what word I’m looking for yet.
Me: (slams hands on table) Would you just trust my judgement for once and get on the computer!
Beta: (does so, stares at blanks screen for five minutes, quivering with tears)
Me: (sighs deeply, leans over to type)
(close up on screen shows word “argumentative”)
Me: There. (conversationally reads) Belligerent. Combative. Contrary. Litigious. Litigious is a good word. That starts with the letter “L”.
Beta: (bright and cheery) Yeah! It is a good word.
Me: (stares into the blackness that is her coffee)
(scene opens on a front porch)
Gamma: I have a map, mommy! Look!
Me: (distracted glance, picking up a trike and screaming Delta) Lovely, honey.
Beta: (from inside) She can’t follow that map!
Gamma: I’m hunting for buried treasure! (pokes at X)
Me: Pirate treasure? (carries trike and Delta down the stairs to the sidewalk)
Beta: (comes to the door) That map is totally wrong!
Gamma: This is going to be an excellent adventure! It’s even written in my favorite pink color!
Me: I’m sure you’d have a great time. (paces slowly after Delta, walking his trike)
Gamma: Bye mom! (runs down the block)
Beta: (storms out of the house, yelling) Mom! You can’t let her follow that map! It’s totally wrong! She’ll get lost!
Me: For the sweet love of god, Beta, she’s not going to get lost.
Beta: (hysterical) Didn’t you see it? It was just a scribble on a page!
Me: (matching tone) Could you try to have an imagination? She’s not going to get lost! People call it “pretending” and she’s going to pretend to follow the map, run to the park, come right back and probably tell us how she sailed over the ocean and climbed a mountain and find pirate gold!
Beta: (undecided and pouting) There aren’t any mountai….
Me: Get back in the house before I slap some sense into you.
(scene opens in a sound dampening cubical, the atmosphere weirdly and institutionally oppressive)
Gamma: (delightedly sits in her own soundproof booth, grinning through the viewing window)
Doc: (puts on her own headphones) Okay, Gamma, when you hear a beep, you raise your hand, okay?
Gamma: (nod behind the thick glass, gives a thumbs up)
Doc: (fiddles with buttons, dials, and levers, frown deepening) Gamma? Can you repeat my words? Airplane.
Gamma: (tinny voice over the speaker) No.
Doc: Cupcake.
Gamma: No.
Doc: Birthday. Book. Dog.
Gamma: No. No. No. I have a hearing problem, don’t you get it? It’s why I didn’t raise my hand when it beeped!
Doc: (turns off microphone, holds clipboard before face, starts to laugh) “Its why I didn’t raise my hand when it beeped!” What a card!
Me: (hides face in shame) I have two more at home just like her.
Doc: (looks at a confused Delta in the stroller, starts laughing harder) Her hearing is fine, just in case you were worried.
(scene opens at messy breakfast table, kids arguing)
Me: (coming to foggy awareness) What are you fighting about now?
Gamma: (mangles some words)
Beta: (talking over her) She took the crayon box upstairs to her room! Now how am I going to be able to my homework when all the pencils are in her room?
Me: (stroking out) Oh my god, Beta! How ever will we manage! There is no way any human could possibly ever climb all those stairs to the second floor for a pencil! No one could ever survive the arduous trek up a flight of stairs for a pencil! No way could you ever manage to bring one home from school! You’re going to fail school and forget how to write your name! We’re all going to die!
Beta: (furious, pounds up stairs, retrieves crayon box, grabs backpack and leaves for school)
Delta: (WTF look, staring after them)
Me: This is why mommy drinks.
