Vague Similarity

(scene opens in doctor exam room, Beta and Gamma suffering each other’s existence, Carrot failing sanity checks)

Doctor: (enters) So, tests came back. They both have strep.

Me: (wearily) Not a surprise.

Doctor: I figured they both had it the way their voices were all garbled, but had to do the test to make sure.

Me: Yeah, they do sound like they have golf balls in their mouths.

Beta: Goth balls?

Me: Golf balls. Sounds like you’re talking around solid objects in your throat.

Beta: Oh, okay. That makes more sense. I was trying to figure out what goth balls are.

Me: Eh, it would probably still work as a descriptor. They’re dark and full of pain. (laughs)

Beta: (stares in WTF)

Doctor: (stares in professionalism)

Me: (sighs) Yeah…you don’t get why that’s funny. When can they go back to school?

College ready

(scene opens in surprisingly clean kitchen)

Beta: (coughing like a typhoid patient)

Me: Sorry Beta, time to give you the big drugs. (pulls out extra strength overnight NyQuil)

Beta: NO! I HATE THAT STUFF! IT TASTES LIKE DEATH! AND CHERRIES!

Me: (starts laughing, pouring out) That’s my new punk band name, “Death and Cherries”.

Beta: Wut?

Me: Nothing, drink.

Beta: NO!

Me: DO IT!

(Alpha walks in, sees the conflict starts chanting)

Alpha: DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!

Beta: TO VALHALLA! (slams NyQuill, chugs liter of water)

Me: I should be upset, but that was very well done.

Outer Limits

(scene opens in dim kitchen, Carrot on the floor holding screaming Delta)

Delta: (winding down to hiccuping sobs)

Me: You okay now?

Delta: (tearful nod) I just wan’ help.

Me: Honey, mom can’t help you with that. I don’t know how.

Delta: (tearing up) Make it so I can do it.

Me: (fraying sanity) Baby, I’ve never been able to solve a Rubik Cube. I want to help you but I can’t. I legitimately don’t know how!

Delta: (dissolves into wails of hopeless unending sadness)

Me: (closes eyes, rocks screaming toddler, practices deep breathing)

(pounding growing louder off stage)

Gamma: MOM! HELP ME! (Gamma runs through kitchen to bathroom, sounds of sick echoing off porcelain)

Me: (sighs, rolls weeping toddler off lap) Welp, at least this is something I can take care of.

(cue laugh track, fade to black, cut to car commercial)

Down with the sickness

(Scene opens in the cramped confines of a half bath, vomit cleaning supplies in the corner)

Alpha: Mom….if I die…
Me: Alpha, you’re not going to die, even though you feel like it.
Alpha: (ignoring me) Mom…if I die….tell Beta I do actually love him. He’s not a total jerk.
Me: (recalculates sickness level, contemplates ER)