Fluent in Sarcasm

(scene opens in dining room, conversation in progress)

Husband: So, what you’re saying is that he’s a Tony Stark – he’s going to save the world, but it’s going to take him a little while to get here.

Me: (affecting a Look of No Surprise) Huh. (slurps coffee theatrically) Maybe?

Delta: (starts laughing) Mommy made a joke! Mommy is being funny! You’re funny mommy!

Me: (side eye) …..uh

Husband: I told you that you had to watch what you say around him.

Me: HE’S FOUR! HE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND THAT LEVEL OF DISCOURSE YET! WE ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!

Potential Avenger Spoilers

(scene opens in kitchen in the midst of a deep clean)

Me: (walks in from outside, carrying bucket of movie popcorn)

Husband: (looks up from cleaning the stove) Hey, how was it? Did you cry?

Me: A couple of times.

Husband: A couple?

Me: The first time was…(voice starts to crack and waver) …was… (hard swallow) when Cap called the hammer. (tears start, looks away from audience) Hang on…hang on…wait…. (looks back, composed) Okay. Good. (deep breath) Right.

Husband: (nods in understanding) Hawkeye’s family.

Me: Yeah. (deep breath) Second time. Um, there was that one line up? (husband nods) And Gamma leans over to me and… (voice quavers again) ….and…and she says to me… (braces self) “Women make the best super heroes.” (tears start again)

Husband: (small voice) Oh. (face turns pink, looks away)

Me: Yeah. (sniffs) I was not prepared for the feelz.

Rise to the Challenge

(scene opens in tossed dining room)

Alpha: What are you reading?
Me: An article about how a movie theater is running all the marvel movies in order before Endgame.
Alpha: (unimpressed) Huh.
Me: Would you like to go?
Alpha: I already saw all of them.
Me: So? We could do it at home. We have all movies, we can spend all weekend watching them in order. A whole weekend! Think of all the popcorn we can eat!
Alpha: (grimace) I don’t really like popcorn.
Me: You break my heart. I’ll watch 59 hours of Marvel with Gamma. She still loves me. I’ll invite all my nerd friends and you can’t hang with us.
Alpha: Whatever.

All the colors

(scene opens in gloomy tossed dinning room)

Delta: Batman, mommy! Batman!
Me: What? (sees Delta with hair clip and pink baby blanket) Oh! Okay!
Gamma: (from under the table) What does he want?
Me: (putting blanket around Delta’s shoulders) He wants to be Batman, so I’m putting a cape on him.
Gamma: Batman doesn’t wear pink.
Me: It’s Pride. He’s Pride Batman. Pride Batman can wear pink.
Gamma: That’s not a thing.
Me: You wanna bet?

(scene ends with Delta zooming around the room in naught but diaper and pink cape)

Scarred, I tell you

(scene opens in echoing Legoland cafe, filled with screaming kids)

Gamma: Mom, who’s that lady with the red hair?
Me: (turns, sees wall covered with portraits of superhero min-figs) That’s Poison Ivy. She and Harley Quinn are girlfriend-girlfriend.
Gamma: Huh. Which on is Batman’s girlfriend?
Me: Catwoman.
Gamma: Oh. Can I have goldfish with my pizza?