Same Time Same Channel

(scene opens in early morning bedroom)

Me: (instantly awake, eyes fly open)

(seconds pass, Carrot nudges Husband repeatedly)

Husband: (sleepy) Huh?

Me: (carefully) I need you to reach up and turn on the light.

(Husband flails looking for the sconce above Carrot’s head)

Me: No! The one above you!

Husband: Oh. Right.

(light floods room, brown bat circling the ceiling, Husband and Carrot contemplate it)

Husband: We’re going to have to get our windows checked. Our bedroom door was closed.

Me: I can’t figure out how they know they can slither through a gap in a closed window but can’t figure out how to fly out an open one.

Wild Frontier

(scene opens in dinning room, half recovered from Thanksgiving, Carrot at table still in bathrobe)

Gamma: Can I have bread?

Delta: Can I have cookies?

Beta: I’m just going to have another one of these sugared cranberries. Is that okay?

Alpha: Why is Gamma having bread? Did you say that was okay?

Me: (suffering, trying to write, hands over headphones that are clearly not loud enough) Oh. My. God. Please. Go. Eat. There is food everywhere. None of you are young enough that I have to be involved in the feeding of you. Scavenge. Forage. Whatever. I don’t care. There are no rules any more. It is a lawless time –

Alpha: (alarmed) No! Please! There have to be rules! Please make some rules!

Me: (stares, starts to laugh)

Alpha: (defensively) If you don’t make rules there will be chaos.

Carrot’s Inner Voice: I’m sorry, do I know you?

Me: (moar laughter, some tears)

There Will Be a Test

(scene opens in dim kitchen)

Me: Beta, surprise quiz. If someone told you they supported White Supremacy then said “lol, just kidding”. Are they White Power or not?

Beta: They’re White Power.

Me: Why?

Beta: Because anyone who said that is just trying to cover it up. If they weren’t White Supremacists they wouldn’t joke about being one.

Me: Excellent critical thinking skills there. This goes back to the Two Rogers Rule….

Beta: (interrupts) I don’t know that one.

Me: If Mister Rogers and Steve Rogers wouldn’t do it, neither should you.

Beta: So I should jump out of an airplane without a parachute?

Me: Well, Mister Rogers never jumped out of a plane without a parachute, so I’m thinking you shouldn’t either.

Beta: Fair

Surprise!

(scene opens in dentist waiting room)

Dental Assistant: (leading out grumpy Beta) He did great. Had no idea what he was here for.

Beta: You lied to me.

DA: (joins in laughter)

Me: (evil laugh) I did!

Me: Show me the tooth.

(close up on baby tooth with roots still present)

DA: Yeah, that wasn’t going to be coming out on its own any time soon. Now there’s room for the adult tooth to come in.

Me: Excellent. Thank you so much.

Beta: You lied to me. I thought I was getting a cleaning.

Me: You did. We cleaned out an old tooth you didn’t need any more. Don’t you feel cleaner?