Tag: toys

….and call him George

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

Beta: Hey mom? What’s Epsilon playing with outside?

Me: (distracted) I don’t know.

(Beta leaves, comes back)

Me: Oh. Epsilon 3, Bun-buns 0

Beta: Except for that one, he’s not hurting them. And that one I think was an accident. He’s just chilling with them. Like he doesn’t know what to do with it when he catches it.

Me: Well, he’s a herd dog. Maybe he’s trying to herd the bun-buns.

Beta: Maybe we should get him a rabbit stuffed animal?

Me: He likes to chew on things, I don’t want associating bun-buns with eviscerating stuffies.

How to talk to them

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in early cluttered dining room)

Delta: (suddenly alarmed) Where’s Narbles?!

Gamma: (in kitchen) Over here! (camera cuts to squishmallow purple narwhal on the counter)

Me: Thank you, for finding her…. Hey, is Narbles a boy or a girl?

Delta: Um…Narbles is from the sea and a sea creature, so both.

Me: Oh. What do you call someone who’s both?

Gamma: (comes out of kitchen) A helicopter.

Me: You don’t call them a helicopter! That’s silly.

Gamma: (seriously) No, they’re helicopters. (holds up hands at 90 degrees) Helicopters have the blades on top and blades on the back. See? Both!

Me: That’s pretty good logic, but you can just say “they” if you don’t know or they say they’re non-binary.

Gamma: What’s binary?

Me: Binary is when you only have two choices. Non-binary would be a third option.

Gamma: Cool. Can I have Nutella for breakfast?

Me: (sigh) And that concludes the lesson. Sure, share with Delta.

(two kids throw up their hands cheering and run off screen)

Threefold rule

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in crowded foyer, conversation in progress)

Gamma: I don’t want my toys to become voodoo!
Beta: No, your toys aren’t voodoo, there are dolls called voodoo dolls.
Gamma: But that’s scary! I don’t want voodoo dolls.
Beta: Your dolls don’t become voodoo dolls, they’re something totally different.
Gamma: But they hurt people! If you punch them don’t I get hurt?
Beta: I don’t know how it works actually.
Me: (rubbing forehead) It’s time to go, guys. Let me get my jacket on and I’ll explain sympathetic magic to you on the way to school, okay?
Gamma: Yay! Mommy is teaching us magic!

Scarred, I tell you

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in echoing Legoland cafe, filled with screaming kids)

Gamma: Mom, who’s that lady with the red hair?
Me: (turns, sees wall covered with portraits of superhero min-figs) That’s Poison Ivy. She and Harley Quinn are girlfriend-girlfriend.
Gamma: Huh. Which on is Batman’s girlfriend?
Me: Catwoman.
Gamma: Oh. Can I have goldfish with my pizza?

Power of a name

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in toy tossed bedroom)

Me: Enough, Gamma. I’ve been after you all week to pick up.
Gamma: But I did!
Me: (enhancing her calm) You have not. Look, I’ll help.
Gamma: But it is!
Me: (ignoring, pointing to books) Put these on the shelves. (pulls out bin) Put the dolls in here. I’ll collect the dirty laundry.
Gamma: (uncertain) Okay.
Me: (picks up jeans to reveal an Elves Lego min-fig) Here. Put David Bowie in the Lego box.
Gamma: David Bowie? How do you know his name is David Bowie?
Me: That’s the Goblin King. Everyone knows the Goblin King’s name is David Bowie.
Gamma: Thanks mom.

Dress for the job you want

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(scene opens in moderately neat kitchen)
Gamma: (hands Delta a white unicorn beanie baby)
Delta: (hugs it)
Me: That was very nice of you Gamma.
Gamma: I thought he would like it, I can’t have unicorns.
Me: Why not?
Gamma: Because they’re white. I’m the Burning Reaper. Black and white are for different things.
Me: I see.